Apr 21, 2017

Perigi Mencari Timba

Aku dah malas nak fikir ayat. Malam ni aku nak tulis segala apa yang aku rasa.

Sebagai seorang perempuan, tipulah kalau cakap aku tak pernah berangan tentang hari bahagia aku. Membesar sebagai seorang yang melankolik, aku selalu berharap suatu hari nanti aku akan bertemu dengan kebahagiaan aku sebagai seorang perempuan yang nalurinya sukakan perasaan indah. Walaupun tak sempurna, tapi aku sentiasa letakkan sekecil kuman harapan untuk dihargai, untuk dipersembahkan akan betapa istimewanya aku dalam hidup seseorang.

Tipulah cakap kalau takde perempuan yang berangan untuk dilamar, diberi bunga, atau sekurang-kurangnya merasa istimewa walaupun sedikit. Dicari dan didekati dengan cara terhormat.

Aku selalu berharap untuk merasai semua itu. Tapi hari ini, saat ini, aku tak dapat apa yang aku harapkan.

Perlahan-lahan, sedikit demi sedikit aku mula buang satu persatu impian aku. Dari sebesar-besar impian tentang perkahwinan idaman hinggalah sekecil-kecil impian untuk hanya ditanyakan soalan "Sudi atau tidak untuk menjadi isteri?". Semuanya aku buang ketepi kerana aku tahu, dengan dia, segalanya takkan mungkin terjadi. Aku mengalah, sedikit demi sedikit aku korbankan segala kemahuan hati kerana aku harapkan segalanya akan berbaloi demi dia.

Tapi lama-kelamaan aku jadi penat. Aku kecewa. Sedih. Seolah-olah aku pula yang jadi lelaki. Aku yang sibuk berfikir untuk menjadikan hasrat itu realiti. Aku yang memulakan langkah. Aku yang mencadangkan itu ini. Dan aku juga yang bertanyakan soalan "Sudi atau tidak untuk menjadi suami?" itu.

Segala apa yang aku harapkan semuanya punah.

Campaklah kedalam sungai segala angan-angan untuk dilamar itu. Buang segala bayangan untuk dirisik atau didekati. Hancur segala apa yang sejujurnya semua perempuan harapkan untuk rasa walaupun hanya sekali.

Mungkin dimata dia, aku terlalu banyak meletakkan expectations. Aku berangan setinggi langit. Sama jelah macam lelaki lain. Semua menganggap perempuan tak berpijak dibumi yang nyata. Mengharap dan berangan tak sudah. Tapi dia dan mereka semua buta. Tak semua perempuan kisah tentang impian itu. Impian memang ada, memang tinggi, memang indah melangit. Tapi akhirnya yang aku dan kami semua harapkan hanya bahagia. Itu saja. Kami tak tamak.

Dan bahagia itu takkan datang kalau tak merasa dihargai. Tak merasa dipeduli.

Kadang kala aku terfikir, adakah aku membuat keputusan yang betul. Adakah berbaloi aku korbankan bermacam benda sedangkan dia sendiri tak pernah mahu memulakan langkah. Dari awal hingga akhir aku sajalah yang berani bersuara.

Sedih. Pedih. Kecewa.

Aku tak minta banyak pun. Aku nak rasa dihargai saja. Aku pun nak juga rasa perasaan dikejar dan dimahukan. Diusahakan. Tapi entah. Sampai ke hari ini pun cuma aku saja yang lakukan semua itu.

Bahagiakah aku bila hanya aku yang berusaha untuk jadikan hasrat ini realiti?

Mar 11, 2017

Hijab Doa


Semalam aku terbaca satu post di Facebook tentang bagaimana doa orang yang teraniaya, dianiaya dan tidak bersalah itu tiada hijab disisi Tuhan.


Ada masa on the spot Tuhan bayar cash.
Ada masa diberi nikmat sepuas hati hinggalah tiba-tiba ditarik serta merta tanpa belas.


Dari sudut pandangan aku, sebab itu dari dulu aku selalu pegang. Jangan menilai atau menjatuhkan hukum penilaian kepada seseorang jika kau tidak faham apa yang dilaluinya, selagi engkau tidak berada di tapak kasut yang sama dengannya.


Untuk bercakap memang mudah.
Tapi kita selalu lupa, hakikat satu-satunya yang lebih tajam daripada pedang itu ialah lidah manusia.


Dimata engkau mungkin tampak mudah, tampak remeh.
Tapi hanya yang menanggung di bahu hadam memahami bagaimana rasanya.


Hanya kerana engkau diberi sedikit kelebihan oleh Tuhan untuk tidak diuji pada titik kelemahan tersebut, tidak bermakna engkau bebas mencanang sana sini -


Betapa lemah, lembik, bodoh, naif dan malang seseorang.


Jika sahaja engkau sedar kehidupan ini tidak tetap, tidak statik. Sifatnya berubah-ubah. Ada roda untuk kau berada diatas dan sekelip mata menghumban engkau kebawah.


Jangan kerana kata-kata yang keluar daripada mulut atau tindakan engkau menyakiti hati seseorang hingga dia merasa dianiaya, merasa ditindas dan dipijak menyebabkan apa saja doa yang disebut oleh dia memanah tepat terus tembus kepada engkau. Jangan sekali-kali.


Kalau tak mahu memudahkan, jangan pula menyusahkan.
Mudah saja sifirnya.

Mar 10, 2017

Instead Of People, Tell God




I realized that people have a way of bringing you down even when they’re trying to lift you up. I realized that when you talk to people about what’s bothering you, they don’t try to understand where you’re coming from, they just want to hear their voice. I realized that people don’t always know how to comfort you when you’re crying or when you’re hurting because they simply don’t know the depth of your pain or what’s happening inside you.


But God knows, God understands the words you can’t speak, the feelings that are killing you and the extent of your pain. God knows what you’re hiding and why you’re suffering. God knows what you don’t yet know.


I realized that people will try to tell you how you should feel. They’ll say you’re too emotional or it’s our fault for expecting too much or find a way to blame you for putting yourself through this pain because if you were smarter, if you were wiser, if you were stronger, you wouldn’t have done this, you wouldn’t have put yourself in this situation.


But God doesn’t judge. God listens. God understands. God doesn’t point fingers. God knows what’s in your heart.


I realized that people will say things that don’t make you feel better, like ‘it will happen when you least expect it to,’ or ‘everything happens for a reason,’ or ‘you never know what the future holds.’ But they don’t hold you when you’re crying, they don’t check on you when you go home, they don’t call you to make sure you’re okay and they don’t care past a certain point, past a certain phase, past a certain moment.


But God stays with you when everyone leaves. God is not temporary. God will not say things He doesn’t mean. God gives you time and space to heal before He blesses you. God takes away some things because He’s planning on giving you something more.


I realized that when you talk to people about your problems, they make you feel worse. They make you feel misunderstood, they make you feel like you’re not allowed to be who you are or give in to your emotions. I realized that people only like you when you’re happy and light not when you’re sad and heavy. I realized that people only want you when you’re fun and loud not when you’re down and quiet and I realized that people will only be there for you for a little while before they move on and get sucked back into their own lives.


But God likes you in every state. God loves you anyway. Whether you’re happy or sad, whether you’re heavy or light, whether you’re angry or calm and whether you’re strong or weak. God doesn’t discriminate.


He doesn’t like one version of you more than the other. God accepts you. God keeps bringing you closer to Him because He wants you to learn that no matter how much people love you, you can’t depend on them to heal you and you can’t depend on them to fix you.


Because God is the only healer, He’s the only fixer and maybe all our problems are just different lessons to bring us to this awareness and bring us to this conclusion:


God is the only problem solver. God is the solution. 

Mar 9, 2017

Daddy's Poem


Few months back I strolled around Indira Gandhi Musical Fountain Memorial Park. Its about 20 minutes journey from my apartment at Gokula.


When I walked by a section of the park dedicated as a memoir for all Indian soldiers who fought for their life during World War 2, I came across a poem carved at a huge stone. And up till now, I can still feel the bitterness emotions when I read those lines.


Its a mixture of both sadness, and somehow proud in such beautiful poem.


--


Her hair was up in a ponytail, favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and couldn't wait to go.


There were daddies along the back wall for all to meet, at the hall.
One by one the teacher called the students from the class.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them searching, for the man who wasn't there.


From someone near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
With hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak,


"My daddy couldn't be here, as he lives so far away.
I know he wishes he could be, on this such a special day."


"He loved to tell me stories, taught me ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me fly the kite.
Though you cannot see him, I am not alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me, even when we are so far apart."


With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
With mother, somewhere in the crowd, standing, in tears.


When she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, a message so clear and loud,
"I love my Daddy so much, he's 'My Shining Star'.
And if he could he'd be here, but Heaven is just too far."


"You see, He was an Indian soldier, died just past year.
An enemy sniper got him in chest while advancing without fear.
When he died telling all Indians, never, ever to fear."


"Sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he's never away."
Then she closed her eyes, and saw him there, that day.


The her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
Room full of daddies and children, starting to close their eyes.
Perhaps for a mere second, they saw him too, at her side.


"I know you are with me Daddy."
To the silence she called out.


And what happened next, made believers of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain, for each had their eyes closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was his shining medal of gold.


And a child was blessed.
If only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
Given the gift of believing, that Heaven is never too far.


There are many children in same boat as this little girl.
Thanks to our brave soldiers, and their lonely families.
Ultimate sacrifice they make to keep our country free.
A thought to be remembered by those who now lives.


"For your tomorrow, they gave their today."

Mar 8, 2017

Pecah Kaca Pecah Gelas


I'm not a grumpy person by nature.


Dan walaupun berulang-kali aku terpaksa hadapi the same shit from the same person, I usually tolerate with em. Bagi aku, kalau nak ikutkan sakit hati yang membara ni, lambat laun aku akan turut serta berjangkit dengan semua negativiti tersebut. And I've had enough with mine already.


But recently I got easily frustrated.


Makin lama aku bertolak ansur, makin menjadi-jadi pula. Seolah-olah disebabkan aku selalu mengalah dan memilih untuk melupakan serta memaafkan, perasaan aku diabaikan terus. Aku macam patung yang boleh orang tolak sana sini sesuka hati.


Semua dengan satu jaminan,
"Alah Qila tu takpe, dia okay je."


Bukan meminta untuk dibalas setiap budi dan kebaikan, cuma kalau tak mahu memudahkan janganlah pula menyusahkan.


Aku tak pernah berdendam dengan sesiapa. Marah macam mana pun tak pernah sampai terlintas dalam kepala untuk membalas dendam.


Kalaulah nak ikutkan semua sakit hati yang terkumpul, aku boleh jadi lebih syaitan daripada segala syaitan yang wujud.


Beberapa hari ini aku kerap terkesan, hatta perkara kecil sekalipun.
Dan segala kemarahan, sakit hati yang tersimpan semua melonjak.


Apa yang aku boleh cakap, jangan dicabar sabarnya orang yang sentiasa sabar.


Selagi tiada kata maaf yang aku terima, selagi itu aku takkan halalkan segala apa yang dilakukan. Jangan menilai aku jahat kalau engkau sendiri tak pernah baik pada aku.