Jan 4, 2013

Nothing

Dear Syifa, I miss you and your understanding words.


Dear Yam, I want to hug you and I need you for your motivational speech.


Dear Syasya, I hope you're here with your stories to cheer me up.


Dear Nina, I wish I could hear your calmy laugh and jokes to make me feel better.


Dear Zahra, I want to be by your side with you listening to my teardrops.


I never felt this alone in my whole life. I never knew I could endure such pain all by myself. I never felt this tired before. I never knew life could be so gloomy and I have to face everything with my pure little fragile heart. I never felt this rejected when I'm crying and people laughing at me for my idiotness. I never knew people can be this mean. And I never expected to meet them, alive.


I got nowhere to tell except in my pray every morning till night. I got nowhere to cry except in front of The Most Merciful One. I got nothing to read to calm my mind except the Love Letter from Him. I'm not lying when I said I wish my late twin still alive and here to comfort me rather than I comfort myself. Me, and my little broken heart.


I wish I'm not all alone here to feel rejected and questioning why every living person here got no empathy at all.


I'm not asking them to have a sympathy on me. I'm not hoping them to solve all the problems. Not at all.
I just, hoping someone could lend their shoulder and make me feel better. Is it too hard? Is it too tough to smile at me when I'm not? Is it harmful to be by my side? Is it wrong to show some appreciation at time when someone needed it the most?


Am I that filthy to be closed? Am I nothing here? Did every one will got infected by my ugliness and insecurities and every single bad sides of me if they befriends with me?


Is there anyone, I mean anyone that is sincere enough to love me and appreciate my presence? Is there anyone in this whole world that can accept me and my all bad sides? Is there anyone whom worth my life? Is there anyone that wouldn't make me feel that I'm nothing but a piece of dust?


If I said this to Farah, she will say " Its okay Qila just cry and I'll be here as long as you needed me "


Thats enough. One short sentence and I'll be fine. One short, sincere and full of love sentence will make me relief. Is it too hard? Is it waste someone's money and time and energy and every single damn thing?


Where is everyone when I need them the most?


Where is everyone who promised to be with me when I'm facing a tough times here?


Am I really nothing? Yes absolutely. I'm nothing. Nothing at all.


Go away everyone with your teasy smiles and making fun of other people's misery. Go away everyone with all your inconsideration of seeing someone sad but still laughing at them. Laughing at me.


Go away.


And now I wonder how Amanda Todd endure her pain and her tragic ending of story. Do I need to have the worse than her? Or worst?


1 comment:

cik zara :) said...

i always there for you, my dear <3