May 30, 2013

Small Circle

Assalamualaikum. Warm regards.


Some people will never thought such a coincidence could lead us somewhere. 


Stick this on your head -- Expect the unexpected.


Because we'll never know maybe that one second unexpected moments could twist our path for a lifetime.


Today-- We fight with a stranger.
Tomorrow-- We have one new good friend.


Having a companion is one of the best thing I could ever have in my life. I can't stand loneliness for quite a long term. If its a day or two, its bearable. If its more than that, thats it. Bij please I'll look for someone to stand my mouth and talk to me for hours.


I just love to share some laughs and tears with someone who willing to stay beside me through thick and thin of our life.


I can turned up from fucked up mood to happy and glorious mood just when someone is here to listen to me. I do appreciate most when you put your 'listening' mode when I'm telling you all my craps and rubbish. I find it way too lovely and valuable. 


And thats what friends always did.


Grateful for having a small circle of good friends. I'd rather stayed in this small circle than go out and being hated by a big crowd of plastics.


Thank you. For listening. Sayang. Peluk sekuat mungkin.

May 27, 2013

Bahasa Bisu Untuk Dia

Assalamualaikum.


Pertama kali aku kenal dan bercakap dengan dia ialah semasa aku jaga kaunter baju baby. Ayat pertama aku - " Saya tolong susun plastik ye. "


Dia pandang sekilas. " Kau duduk jelah kat sini. Biar aku ambik plastik kat sana. " Aku blur. Duduk situ sampai dia hulur plastik.


Lepas buka kaunter tunggu costumer datang, sembang. Borak. Ayat cliche. Umur berapa, duduk mana, belajar mana. Dia 18. Muda setahun dari aku. Dan aku pun kalau dah jumpa orang pangkat 'adik-adik' ni mulalah pening kepala. Aku biasa bahasakan diri aku 'akak' walau dengan orang muda setahun. Tapi dia sembang dengan aku macam member-member. Macam tak kena pulak kalau nak cakap 'aku kau' kan. Fikir punya fikir sambil dia menceceh cerita kat aku pasal sekolah dia, aku decide untuk ikut resmi budi bahasa. " Yelah akak tau.. "


Satu jam duduk sembang, aku perati je budak ni. Suka main-main. Menganjing nombor satu. Sikit-sikit gelakkan aku. Tapi ada satu benda aku perasan pasal dia - Bila costumer datang kat kaunter, automatically dia akan berubah jadi orang lain. Lembut. Sopan. Ayat tersusun.


Dua tiga kali aku perhati. Memang betul. Tapi bila costumer pergi, dia start cari peluang gelakkan aku balik -___-


Berjam-jam aku sembang dengan dia. Dan satu lagi benda aku perasan, dia minat nak sambung belajar. Mungkin result SPM dia tak seberapa. Tapi dari cara dia dengar dan pandang aku waktu aku cerita pasal universiti -- Aku tahu dia memang teringin nak rasa semua itu.


Sambil aku cerita, sambil aku pandang riak muka dia. Sambil aku buat statistik dalam kepala. Budak ini, boleh pergi jauh.


Beri dia satu peluang dan dia boleh pergi jauh.


Walau banyak kali dia mengusik aku sampai naik darah. " Kak, kau ni duduk kaunter baby terus perangai pun macam baby ye? "


Walau banyak kali dia menganjing aku yang lurus bendul. " Ada 15 minit lagi kau punya masa rehat kak! Skema gila kau masuk kaunter awal. Rugi kot! "


Walau banyak kali dia buat aku rasa nak hempuk dia dengan kerusi. " Kau ni kabutlah kak. Aku kacau sikit je kau dah distract. Kau tak boleh jadi pakar psikologi ni. "


Walau banyak kali aku sabar dengan mulut dia. " Ini discount ye kak. DISCOUNT. Bahasa melayunya potongan harga. Hai kak MUET dah ambik pun tak lulus english lagi ke?? "


Walau banyak kali dia buat aku geleng kepala sengih lebar. " Kau ni, tak dijangka lah kak. Unexpected. "


Bila aku dengar dari mulut dia beberapa hari lepas tu kat kantin, " Kak aku tak dapat UPU lah. "


" Aku frust gila doh. Aku dah semangat beli barang kot. "


" Aku bajet UITM aku dapatlah. Ni satu pun tak dapat. "


" Apa dorang ni semua amik bebudak stok straight As ke kak? Kitorang yang tak pandai ni nak campak mana? "


" Kau cakap senang ah kak. Kau tak rasa apa yang kitorang rasa. "


Lagi. Dan lagi. Aku diam -- Tak tahu apa yang boleh aku cakap untuk cantikkan suasana. Tak tahu apa yang patut aku cakap untuk buat dia faham yang aku dengar semuanya. Sambil cakap, dia gelak. Mengekek macam biasa. Tapi aku faham. Aku letakkan tangan halimunan atas bahu dia. Tepuk. Secara halimunan.


Peluang masih ada, dik. Jangan putus asa. Akak akan pastikan kau dapat satu lagi peluang.


Tapi macam biasalah. Dengan orang yang baru aku kenal, aku agak emotionless. Heartless. Kayu. Aku tak boleh susun ayat dengan baik lalu aku cakap sendiri dalam hati.


Balik rumah, aku search pasal kolej-kolej kerjasama UITM. Aku jenguk yuran. Ambil nombor telefon. Jenguk lagi celah mana peluang yang boleh aku cari untuk beri dia sikit lagi harapan. Tanya kawan-kawan yang dapat second intake UITM tahun lepas.


Aku nampak peluang. Sukri ada peluang. Aku yakin. Entah kenapa aku yang teruja nak cari dia esok hari dan bagi dia semua maklumat tu.


Malam dinner dia duduk makan depan aku. Aku keluarkan kertas biru dari purse, aku hulur. Serba sikit maklumat yang aku dapat. Dia pandang aku dengan muka pelik. Aku tayang muka toya. " Ambik jelah. " Dia bukak dan baca. Sengih.


" Terima kasih kak... "


Senyum. Aku baru kenal dia tiga minggu. Dia selalu buat aku geram dengan mulut takde insurans dan suka gelakkan aku dari jauh kalau nampak aku terkial-kial pasang gulungan resit. Dia selalu bahan perangai aku yang lurus bendul. Dia selalu perli aku depan cashier lain. Dia selalu keluarkan ayat " Kau ni kak, itupun tak tau ke? Basic living skill kot! "


Tapi dia yang terus aku cari kalau ada masalah kat kaunter. Dia yang sabar ajar aku 'basic living skill' kononnya. Dia yang sibuk tanya pukul berapa aku masuk kerja. Dia yang tenang tolong aku selesaikan masalah dengan costumer. Dia yang selalu cari harga barang kat supermarket untuk costumer di kaunter aku. Dan walaupun dia selalu gelakkan aku yang tak reti pasang gulungan resit, sambil gelak dia tetap pasangkan untuk aku. Dan bila dia masuk kaunter dengan aku, dia akan tanya " Kau okay ke tak, kak? "


Dia baik. Mungkin lebih baik berbanding aku.


Geram aku pada dia, aku masih simpan harapan untuk tengok dia berjaya.


Menyampah aku pada dia, jauh dalam hati aku sayang dia. Sebagaimana aku sayang adik-adik aku.


Semua itu selalu buat aku marah dan meluat. Tapi aku ambil berat. Dan aku sayang. Itulah namanya adik. Menyusahkan, dan menyenangkan.


Moga jadi orang yang berguna. Moga berjaya capai cita-cita. Moga dipermudahkan semuanya.


Kalau ada rezeki kita jumpa lagi, akak nak baling gitar kat Sukri. Hahaha.


UPDATED 28 MAY 2013.


Pagi tadi baru aku tahu hari ini hari terakhir Sukri sebelum dia berhenti. Dia jaga kaunter baby. Aku nun jauh kat supermarket.


Waktu rehat pukul 11, aku ajak Zaini teman pergi kaunter baby tapi Kak Elis kata Sukri masuk pukul 12 nanti. Patah balik. Rehat pukul 4 aku jalan kaki lagi dari supermarket ke kaunter baby. Lima belas minit jalan, Kak Elis kata Sukri pun tengah rehat. Fedap aku dengan budak ni asyik takde je. Aku pesan kat Kak Elis - " Kak nanti tolong cakap kat Sukri, dua kali saya datang cari dia tapi dia takde. Saya dah taknak kawan dia. Akak tolong pesan kat dia, saya cakap good luck. " Kak Elis senyum, angguk. Aku jalan kaki balik.


Pukul 5 aku pusing supermarket pulangkan barang yg costumer tak jadi beli. Tetiba dari jauh aku dengar orang laung " Kak kau kenapa carik aku? " Aku buat muka toya. Tau pun nak turun carik aku budak ni.


Baru sempat sembang sepatah dua, Farah tarik aku suruh balik kaunter. " Nanti-nanti aku cerita dengan kau lagilah kak! " Aku angguk. Kalau kita jumpa lagilah kan.


Pukul 11 malam masa semua orang tengah tutup kaunter, Syanisa datang. " Kak Qila, ada phone call untuk akak. Kak Elis nak cakap. " Aku lari pergi telefon kat kaunter bakeri. Tak pernah Kak Elis nak call aku. Aku syak ini kerja orang sebelah dia.


Aku angkat gagang, cakap hello. Aku dengar suara Kak Elis garau - " Ni sape? " Aku jawab " Ni Qila. "


" Ni aku, Sukri. Aku suruh kau call kaunter baby kau tak call pun kan? "


" Kak kau ada twitter ke, phone number ke.. Kalau ada pape nanti pasal urusan aku tu senang aku nak cakap dengan kau. "


Ayat last dia buat aku angkat kening. " Kau pandai main ice skating tak? " Aku jawab, pandai. Angkat kening.


" Ok bagus. Bye "


Balik rumah, ada text message ajak aku main ice skating minggu depan. Nak main sampai lebam katanya. Haih budak bertuah.


So aku tak perlu nak emotional sangatlah harini. Okay.


May 24, 2013

Accident

Assalamualaikum.


Its been so long yet this is the only time I've got to write something upon Syed's wedding.


Last 2 May, I went to Teluk Intan using bus and stayed at Siti's house. The next morning both of us and Dilla went to Ipoh using a car that Siti borrowed from her aunt. I was beyond excited weheee that was my first time visiting Ipoh and being in a car with my friends!









We reached Pasir Salak to get our SPM certificates. And yeah, acting like it was our last time visiting here. Err, maybe?


And we arrived at Syed's house at about three hours later due to crazy GPS and shitty roadway -,-




















And yeah, its not just a wedding. Its a reunion hoyeahh this is Sparta guyss!! I found my old lovelies and only God knows how much I miss each and every one of them :')






Imissiu Ilebiuuu Syifa and Zahra!


On our way back, it was raining heavily. As some of you might know, I've got this bad manners of not buckling up my seat belt. Therefore I was just sitting like a baws besides Siti the driver and Dilla was at the back seat.


As we arrived Teluk Intan, Siti wanted to drop Dilla when suddenly there was an unexpected thing ever in my life happened.


When I was holding my handphone, there was a big shock on my forehead and I realized I was jerking forward from my seat. In pain due to my knocked out forehead, I looked at Siti's face whom was pale like a death body and Dilla was just remained silent at the back. I quickly scanned the environment and the actual thing that was happening to us.


We've got into an accident.


We've bumped into a Honda car in front of us. Bloody hell I was fear to death but quickly resumed my facial expression as Siti looked like she was going to cry. I told her to calm down and don't think of the worst. Then I saw two guys coming out of that Honda car and heading to us.


This isn't good. We're dealing with several men while there are three of us.


That guy knocked my window and told us to stop nearby the Kolej Komuniti Teluk Intan. I nodded and Siti phoned her friend whom is also a guy. Its a good thing to do as we're all girls with zero knowledge of handling this accident. Only God knows how trembling my hands were when we're out of the car to face those guys.


Alhamdulillah things worked out quite well. I could write all of those moments here but I got a lifetime to do so. And frankly speaking, I'm quite lazy teheeeeeeeee I just get back from work and all I can see now is bed. Donno why I opened Blogspot instead -,-


Because the rest is just a history.






There. As good as new. Congratulations on your new-looking car Hisan!


Kerja Kita

Assalamualaikum.





Ramai costumer puji uniform baru AEON. Katanya cantik. Ada style. Aku tak boleh nak komen apa. 


Warna pink dah cantik dah. Sekali pakai tudung instant wahahahaha sembilan belas tahun hidup tak pernah sekali pun aku pakai tudung instant! For the first time, I feel weird. Something hard on my forehead and I keep touching it. 


Kali pertama pakai, aku asyik pergi toilet. Tengok dalam cermin, muka bulat semacam. Sibuk betulkan bucu tudung biar tajam sikit. Dua tiga minggu jugak aku nak sesuaikan diri pakai tudung instant ni.


Tapi sekarang aku dah pandai manage tudung tu biar nampak elok. Takdelah macam orang tak reti pakai tudung lagi. Hihihi.





This is my worst nightmare ever. I like putting makeup on my face but not super hot red lipstick -,-


So I bought this colour at Guardian. Not too red, and its matte. I prefer matte type rather than glossy because glossy lipstick will make my mouth looks weird. Macam muncung semacam je bibir aku karang.






And this is my ID card! Jangan bimbang. Muka aku dalam dunia realiti lebih cantik dan manis. Tak percaya? Cubalah---


Gila.


Tapi betul kot. Kekekeke.





And this is my mom's diamond ring.


Aku kerja di tempat yang penuh dengan ragam manusia. Tak salah nak beramah mesra. Tapi kalau agak melampau, aku rimas.


Kalau sampai dua tiga kali carik nak minta nombor, memang aku malas nak senyum lagi dah.


Bukan sombong atau memilih. Tapi cinta dan nafsu -- Ada beza.


Serius ada beza.


Gurau-gurau jugak. Chill lah kan. Aku okey je kalau nak beramah mesra bergelak sakan. Tapi kalau sampai nak tepuk tampar dengan aku, kirim salam ajelah.


Jadi ada akak senior bagi cadangan. Kalau nak kurangkan gangguan -- Pakai cincin emas.


Biarlah orang anggap aku Puan. Asalkan hati aku senang.


Dan alhamdulillah, kurang sikit costumer yang buat perangai. Especially Banglasssss wuwuwuwu sedih beta dalam ramai-ramai manusia Banglasssss jugak yang sudi nak pandang beta wuwuwuwuuu.


Jadi, Puan Aqila disini ye. Hihi!


May 21, 2013

Happy, And Thats Enough

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


Since I worked six days in a week and approximately nine to twelve hours per day, I rarely got the chance to spend my time with my friends. Its been three weeks and my life was really going hectic and havoc.


Everytime I came home, I quickly rushed myself to my bedroom and changed clothes. No bath wahaha I'm way too lazy to take a bath and it consumes lotsa times too! Then I'll switch on my wifi and take a sneak at what happened on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Or else Malaysia had been blown off and I still don't know anything.


At about nine o'clock, I'll sit in front of the television and play around with lil brother. Just when I feel like I wanna talk to someone, Hisan will disturb me in WeChat. Or Dilla, Farah and Daniel in our WhatsApp group. And sometimes Siti will texted me.They always made up my day. Though Dilla and Hisan always burned my ears by listening to them singing out loud, it still okay.


Sing. Just sing as loud and as much as you can. If its a sign that you guys happy and wanna spread it to me, I'll be gladly here to stay listen. It always remind me of my old days when music is a part of my life. Just keep singing and its okay.


Though working as a cashier is a tough job, I managed to stay happy and blessed. Encountering people's different attitudes and appreciate the value of money. It ain't easy for me to learn about that term 'saving' and 'budget' but mom's idea of putting me here really screwed out my shopaholic habits hahaha!


What can I say? My life is different than before. Different people surrounded me than the ones that used to stay here in my circle.


But I'm happy. And thats enough.


May 13, 2013

Look Terrible In Cosmetics

Assalamualaikum.


Recently I've started my first job this Monday. I work as a cashier at AEON Bukit Raja :)


Because during post-SPM holiday I didn't work at all and stayed at home like a bawwsss, so this is my first job of all. Omg I thought it was easy but its not :(


Sejak aku belajar kenal 123, aku memang tak pernah berkenan. Tak pernah rasa seronok bila sampai kelas math. Homework? Lagilah malas nak buat. Mungkin aku satu-satunya budak yang setiap kali kelas Add Math mesti tidur. Kuiz Add Math? 3/ 13. 6/20. Dan pernah juga 0/15. Tak tipu. Sampai PASUM, bila sampai tutorial Calculus malam tu mesti pinjam Hanum punya. Konon nak recheck. Padahal lepas dua tiga soalan terus copy bulat-bulat kekekekeke.


Ada sejarah kenapa aku tak suka nombor --


My mom is a Math teacher for my primary school. So back then when I was in Standard 4, my mom tought me Maths. At class. Yes my mom was my teacher :( So she always asked me to solve the problem in front of the class. AND I DID IT WRONG.


So my day at school will always ended up by my mom scolded me in front of my friends. Tak cukup kat sekolah, sampai rumah pun kena cubit dan ketuk dengan hanger " Berapa kali mama nak ajar takkan benda basic macam tu pun salah???!!! " Nightmare aku selama tiga tahun.


And I'm one of the person whom used a lot of my right side of brain. So literally I'm more towards memory and artistics, not logics. Thats why numbers are my biggest fear and Biology is my greatest obsession. And literature.


Dan sekarang aku jadi cashier.


Tuhan saja yang tahu apa rasanya macam orang bendul tak tau apa-apa pasal mesin kira-kira. Seminggu depa ajar aku. Macam-macam cara aku buat nak bagi cover kelemahan aku yang jitu ini tapi apakan daya. Aku memang lemah dengan nombor. Bukan tak reti, cuma lambat. Sangat.


-___-


One of the policy of working here is -- AS A CASHIER, YOU MUST APPLY AS MUCH MAKEUP AS YOU CAN HAVE.


Omg yeah I like to put some makeup on my face but during certain function only. And most of the times I just apply some compact powder and lip balm, thats all. I rarely used a blusher and if I did, I used as minimum amount as I can get. I hate seeing my face like a joker.


Tapi kat sini, aku perlu tepek semua yang ada pada muka. Dari foundation, eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, blusher and lipstick. Sapu biar orang berdiri tiga batu jaraknya pun boleh nampak bibir merah kau. Yeah aku rasa macam badut. Sebab bila aku curik-curik pakai mekap nipis, mesti akan ada akak senior yang tarik aku then tepek sebanyak mungkin lipstick merah mak ngah sampai dia puas hati. Aku pejam mata tanda rela.


What can I say? Hahahahaha.


Hanya mampu berdoa moga tiada siapa yang aku kenal cam muka aku disini.


Dan jangan tanya kenapa aku ambil keputusan untuk kerja disini. Aku cuma ada kenangan berjalan kaki tepi highway pukul tiga pagi. Dan aku tak tahu kenapa aku rasa sangat dekat dengan Jalan Plumbum Seksyen 7.


Sangat dekat dengan dia versi Malaysia.


Tampar diri sendiri. Hidup dalam kenangan lepas.


Aku nak sambung calit mekap kat muka ni. Berbaloi-baloi beli lipstick IN2IT. Sekali pakai dah tak payah touch up lagi. Tak kuasa aku nak ulang-alik pergi tandas touch up mekap. Ahahahahaha!


May 1, 2013

I Just Want To Spill The Truth Of Terrible Me


Assalamualaikum w.b.t


Almost three weeks after PASUM ended yet I still here, sit and sleep like a total hippo yawww.


And I’ve been hiding myself for about two weeks from any social network. Be it Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Blogger.


Aku--
Perlukan masa.


I’ve got no problem and my life went fine, just fine. I just want to reminisce and learn more about everything.


Have you ever wondered what will happen if you die one hour after this?
Ok itu random. 


Aku pun, jarang terfikir begitu.
Sebab dunia sedia maklum kita lemas dalam lagha dan kosa kata ‘masih sempat’
Malam semalam aku duduk depan cermin dan sikat rambut.
And suddenly it hit me--
What will happen if I die one hour after this?


Aku terfikir--
Satu jam terakhir ini aku mahu habiskan dengan apa?
Menggelabah carik mak ayah dan peluk mintak ampun?
Call semua orang dan menangis-nangis ucap selamat tinggal?
Duduk tepi katil dan kunci bilik?


Atau--
Cari Tuhan?


Aku, kau dan kita semua.
Bila sudah susah baru nak cari Tuhan.
Ambil pisau cucuk dalam-dalam.


And suddenly it hit me again.
On the deepest part.


I've done so many wrongs towards people in my past.


Aku rasa macam nak rodok perut dalam-dalam setiap kali teringat semua yang pernah aku buat.
Kalau boleh aku pusing masa, aku lempang diri aku empat lima tahun lepas.
I wanna drag every single person and asked for forgiveness from them.


Zaman kegelapan aku ialah semasa Form 2 and Form 3.


Tak perlu nak dinyatakan apa yang aku pernah buat.
Cukuplah sekadar engkau yang kenal aku maksima dua tahun lepas--
Tahu bahawa aku bukan membesar dengan perangai baik.


Aku pernah jadi orang tak baik.
Aku pernah buat banyak benda tak baik.
Dan sekarang pun aku bukannya betul-betul baik.


Cuma aku bernasib baik--
Tuhan masih tutup aib aku.


If I was given an hour, just like I said.
I wanna seek forgiveness from them.
And then I will seek forgiveness from Allah.
May they forgive me and let me gone with peace.


I'm truly sorry.
For everything that I've done.


To all of you whom share the same terrible and dustiest past as I am--
You know how hard it is to move on and let go our mistakes.
Because the mistakes itself will always follow us.
Make us felt dirty.
Felt unacceptable.
Felt ashamed.
And worst of all--
Unable to forgive ourselves.


You're not alone.


I'll tell you how finally I'll be able to forgive myself.


Semua manusia pernah buat kesalahan.
Dan Dia itu Maha Mengampuni kesalahan.


Figure it out.