Jun 29, 2013

Pelangi Dan Matahari

Assalamualaikum.


" Dia macam pelangi. Tak semua orang nampak waktu terang. Tapi dia akan ada lepas hujan. Untuk beri warna di setiap yang suram. "


" Kadang dia macam matahari. Panas, terang. Tapi kadang dia juga macam ais. Dingin, beku. "


" Dia berbeza. Cuma dia buta untuk tengok pelangi dan matahari yang selalu mewakili dia. "


- Hs, 2013 -



**********



Pelangi atau matahari. Aku cuma aku yang biasa.
Yang sedang belajar untuk jatuh cinta dengan diri sendiri.


Selalu bermain dengan bahasa.
Menulis untuk tuangkan semua sisi gelap yang ada.
Sebab itu aku tak pernah kisah kalau ada orang baca atau tidak blog aku yang ini.
Apa yang aku rasa : Aku curah semua.


Aku tak pandai susun kata ekspresikan apa yang aku rasa.
Kalau dulu mungkin ya. Aku selalu cakap berdegar-degar bahaskan apa yang ada dalam kepala.


Dulu aku pemantun. Pemidato. Pendebat. Kaki bahas berlawan kata. Hebat bercakap.


Tapi semakin aku dewasakan diri, semakin aku nampak semua itu bukan apa yang aku gemar.
Semua itu bukan apa yang boleh timbulkan teruja dan passion dalam diri.


Aku sudah hilang bakat untuk bercakap dan berucap.


Aku cintakan penulisan dari dalam diri.
Bukan karang novel atau cerpen yang mana watak dalam itu cuma fantasi.


Aku cintakan penulisan. Yang mana semua tulisan itu datang dari hati.
Semua perkataan yang aku tak mampu nak sebut.
Semua ayat yang tak pandai aku nak susun dalam realiti.
Semua cerita dan perasaan yang tak boleh aku luahkan.


Aku selesa mendengar. Pandang sekeliling. Senyum.
Dan tulis semula apa yang aku rasa bilamana aku terlihat sesuatu.


Aku selesa begini : Punya dua watak yang jauh beza.


Luar dunia tulisan, aku punya jiwa riang ria gembira yang boleh ketawa berdekah-dekah.
Boleh game orang ikut suka hati. Carefree and happy.
Normal -- Macam kebanyakan remaja yang lain.
Macam kau. Senyum kenyit mata ;)


Tapi bila aku hanyut dalam dunia tulisan, aku jadi penyendiri.


Jadi aku mohon. Jangan menilai aku complicated atau kompleks atau rumit.
Jangan dilabel aku susah difahami atau lain dari yang lain.
Jangan dibaca blog ini hanya untuk judge aku sebagai deep atau emotional.


Sebab aku normal. Cuma aku suka bermain dengan huruf aksara. Itu saja.


Dan blog ini antara tempat aku mencurah rasa.
Macam yang aku cakap :
Untuk bagitau seseorang "Aku sayang kau" pun aku tak reti susun lidah untuk cakap.


Jadi aku tulis.
Dan terus menulis selagi masih ada rasa itu.

Jun 27, 2013

Never Forget

Assalamualaikum.


Just consider of how many times a day you have to force yourself to remember something. 


Already by the time you get out of bed, there are many issues with which you have to keep your mind occupied. What is, though, you had actually forgotten about something greatly more important than anything else in your daily life?


This 'something' has to do with the reason of your existence in this world. Even believers may fail to remember this subject sufficiently because man is forgetful.


Engrossed in everyday routines, unless he wills otherwise, he may easily become distracted from the real issues to which he actually needs to pay attention --


He may easily forget that Allah encompasses him all around. 
That He watches him at every moment.
That He listens to him, and that he will one day have to give an account of his actions to Allah.


He may well forget about the certainty of death, the grave, Paradise and Hell, that nothing happens other than which is Allah's will.


And that there is ultimately a reason for everything.


* * * * * * * * * *


Every time I take a peak at Never Forget by Harun Yahya, I'll immediately remember Dilla.


I remember how we circled Pekan Buku on that day. When we dropped by to library and too distracted to study, we decided to go to Pekan Buku and look for something.


And that was when we discovered there's a plenty of Harun Yahya's books at the bottom shelf.


We took 30 minutes to bump into each and every one of those books. We even sit on the floor because standing is too tiring! Hahahaha.


And I can never forget the day when I talked to you about my deepest hope. The one that shocked you the most. When we sit at the library's lobby and have a sip of hot chocolate in front of a mirror.


Bila aku fikir balik -- Aku dah takde apa-apa rahsia dengan dia.


Dari cerita manis sampai cerita pahit. Dari angan-angan sampai impian. Dari ketawa sampai air mata. Dari baik sampai buruk.


Even my deepest dustiest corner that I can never willing to see myself. Semua aku pernah cerita pada dia.


Somehow -- Despite our obvious differences, we do share a lot of common similarities.


Both of us were broken. Both of us were insecured. Both of us were torn apart sometimes.


Mujur Dia itu Maha Tahu. Bila dia down dan jatuh self esteem, Tuhan letak aku dalam keadaan positif dan boleh bantu dia bangun semula. Bila aku menangis teresak-esak, Tuhan letak dia untuk selalu lapang dan dengar tanpa jemu.


Jadi bila lepas ini kita sama-sama terpisah lorong kejar impian yg pernah kita sama lukiskan --
Aku doa moga Dia sentiasa bermurah hati beri kita ruang dan masa.


Ruang dan masa untuk masih lagi sudi ada sesama sendiri.




Till jannah, babe.

Jun 23, 2013

Ikhlas

Assalamualaikum.


I'm all awake for Subuh this morning when sudden realization hits me -
I dream about you last night.


I can picture all those scenes clearly in my mind. Like a beautiful sea choral under a pile of clear sea water. I can remember everything like it was never a dream. It was never meant to be just a dream.


I remember how in my dream, I saw your medical friends coming here to a festive where I'm involved. I remember a slight pound I felt in my heart when I think of you coming here to Malaysia. I remember the fear, the sadness, and hopes I've tried to throw away whenever it comes about you.


I remember how I forced myself not to look into each crowd of people, hoping to see you in one of those.
I remember to avoid my sight from any fair, tall and spectacles guy - Just in case it is you.


I'm standing there and did nothing to look for you. I'm pretending your existence here in this festival didn't bother me at all. I squeezed myself into a pack schedule and enjoying myself doing my duties for this festival.


That's when I remember, seeing Syed in front of me. Looking at me.
And clearly whispering something to me.


" Do you want to see him? "


I nodded. Silly stupid daydream version of me just nodded.


Things went as fast as a slight movement of air. Seeing your medical friends gathered at the back of a bus. Remembering how I just stand there like a statue - Too afraid to move. Too afraid to look for you.


And you're there. Right in front of my eyes.


Trying as hard as I ever could to hide away all my emotions from bursting out, I greet you with " Hi! "


" Hi! Hey its been so long since I met you! "


I'm quite confused as your reaction is far beyond my expectations. You're happy -
Way too happy and cheerful as if living at India had bring that happiness inside you.


So I just stand there and look at you while you're talking. Non-stop talking and laughing and grinning at me.
I can't remember seeing you any happier than this since -
Since the day we sit back to watch for a debate competition during Minggu Bahasa at Alor Setar.


The cheerful you. The playful side of you. The happy and bright version of you.


And I can't hold my anger anymore. I remember how in these two months you never speak to me and yet you're here in front of me, acting like it never happened and everything was just fine like it used to be fine months ago.


So I remember in my dream, how loud I scream at you. Right in front of your face.
" Hey!!!!!!!!! "


And I turned back. And walked away.


That's when a few moments later I received a text message (in my dream) from you :


" Ikhlas "


That's it. Just a plain word without any dots or commas or any expression.
Ikhlas.


And I woke up from my sleep. Trembling, and confused.


Ikhlas.


I know I've decided to stop writing about this story which I started to write about three years ago.
But then I guessed -
Some stories were meant to stay alive without any ending.


Or maybe it just me who couldn't find the right ending yet.






Ikhlas.

Jun 22, 2013

Jumpa Peluang Kedua

Assalamualaikum.


Text message received :


"Hey! I wanna told you something. Please answer me!"



I'm that person we all knew way too hard to gain my consciousness once I opened my sleepy eyes.
Aku. Mamai. Teruk.
Aku. Kuat. Mengigau.


So when I talk with Sukri a few minutes later, I can't digest whatever he told me and just "Ohh" "Emm" "Okay" "Emm"


But seems like he knew me well enough to know I don't even realize I'm holding a phone. Hahahaha!


When I drifted back to sleep as soon as the phone call ended, another text message received :


" Aku dapat poli kat Sabak Bernam. Alhamdulillah dapat.
Thanks sebab motivate aku suruh bersabar. And aku promise
aku akan study rajin-rajin and aku taknak putus relationship 
dengan kau.. "


That was the time I'm fully awake. I made a phone call and he was " Aku dah tau dah kau mamai tadi! Sebab tu aku text balik. Kalau tak jangan haraplah kau nak ingat apa yg aku cakap! "


Funny yet peculiar. Hahaha.


It only took one day for us to know each other and chemically compatible to become good friends. Or siblings.


Sebab bila ada orang cakap " Korang dating eh? " 
Both of us will automatically " Siblings. Kakak dengan adik. "


Hahahaha.


The first time we talked, I saw a boy with a high ambition but lack of spirit and motivation. And almost gave up with his future.


And almost immediately, I care for him. The way I care for my brothers.


Aku tak nampak kenapa.
Cuma mungkin -- Aku lihat diri aku dalam dia. 
Aku lihat diri aku yg pernah rasa putus asa. Rasa hilang arah. Rasa hopeless.


And I swear I won't let him feel that way. 


You're one bright young man, dik. Alhamdulillah.
Allah beri satu lagi peluang. Untuk kau terus pandang depan.
Untuk kau tebus semua gagal yg pernah kau rasa.


Bersyukur, dik. Aku tumpang gembira untuk kau. Kalau kau selalu cakap kau bersyukur Dia temukan kau dengan aku --
Aku ribu kali syukur Dia temukan kita.
Walaupun mulut kau takde insurans tiap kali cakap dengan aku. Kekeke.


Deep down, aku tau kau baik.


" Kau kena selalu ada dengan aku. Aku perlukan orang untuk sentiasa
motivate aku "


" Beruntung aku jumpa kau. Kau dah macam mentor aku. "


" Thanks kat kau, banyak tolong aku. Sekurang-kurangnya sebelum kau sambung
belajar, kau dah ajar aku banyak benda. "


" Tak kisah lah kau dress up macam mana. Aku tak pandang pun, aku okay je. Aku suka kawan dengan kau. Sebab kau baik. "


" Kalau kau balik Malaysia, aku jemput kau kat airport. "



Hey Sukri.
Kau selalu ulang balik apa yg aku pernah cakap. Every single details.
Apa kau ingat ingatan aku tak kuat macam kau??
Hahahahahahahaha.


Kita berdua -- Akan sama pandang matahari.
Tak kisah berapa lama. Tak kisah berapa tahun.


Ada rezeki, kita sama pandang matahari.
Moga jadi pegawai bank yg berjaya, dik.


:)

Jun 21, 2013

Untuk Kita

Assalamualaikum.






Untuk Dilla. Untuk Sukri. Untuk semua yg pernah rasa gagal gelap jatuh tersungkur tersembam tak mampu bangun.


Untuk semua yg bertatih cari cahaya.


Untuk semua yg senyum lepas air mata.


Untuk semua yg tak putus asa cari dahan bangun semula.


Untuk aku.

Jun 16, 2013

What Appreciation Did To Us

Assalamualaikum.


From what I've read from Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus by John Gray, I simply found a sentence that covered everything.


" Men will be motivated when they feel needed, and women will be motivated when they feel cherished "


Simply true.


Selama ini aku fikir perangai aneh aku yg suka sangat kalau ada orang mendengar bila aku bercakap itu -- Pelik. Dan. Merimaskan.


Because I do feel cherished and appreciated when somebody listened to me in whatever state I am. Sebab jenis aku -- Kalau aku rasa geram, aku akan simpan. Tapi bila ada yg mulakan conversation dengan " Kau kenapa, okay tak? " Yeah. Be prepared for my mumbling mouth and disgusting facial expression.


Sesabar mana pun aku -- Tetap rasa nak bising bila ada benda yg lari jauh dari expectation aku. Cuma buka mulut atau tidak itu, bergantung kepada siapa yg bertanya.


Strangers will see me as an optimistic and rational-but-clumsy Qila. But only a few whom know how broken I am at the inside. 


Dan manusia -- Seperti kebanyakan kita yang lain.
Sangat sukakan penghargaan. 


Walaupun sudut pandangan orang kepada diri kita adalah berbeza berbanding cara kita pandang diri sendiri.
Hey, mata setiap satu daripada kita tak sama!


Kelam gelap suram berhabuk yg kita rasa, tetap ada orang lihat sisi cerah yg ada. Bukankah itu ribu juta  kali lebih baik berbanding mereka lihat sisi hitam yg kita ada?


Bila kebaikan kita yg dipercakap dan dihebah -- Bersyukurlah. Walaupun mungkin agak hiperbola. Hihi.


Kerana aku sama seperti kita semua yg lain. Rasa termotivasi bila ada yg pandang diri ini dgn kata adjektif yg baik-baik.


Thank you Syiru. God knows how much I appreciate your words. Alahai bataknya! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


But hey,
YOU DID MENTION MY EATING HABITS! Hatechiuuu :(

Jun 15, 2013

Beautiful Souls

Assalamualaikum.


Dear Dilla -- I care for you as if anything ever happened to you, it hits me too. I know you don't do any crying stuffs, but at least when you got nowhere to spill it out, I'm here. Forever as long as you need me to.


Dear Syiru -- My ever funny bright side of life. Just stay as weird as you can, because I rather it was you who made me laugh than being alone and cry. Purified heart and sparkling honest.


Dear Farah -- Pure heart as you ever got. I do hope this happiness that you got stay last and fullfill your life. Nobody has the right to hurt you, because I'm here to support you.


Dear Daniel -- My ever soul little brother whom I care and loved. If anything ever happened to you, it hurls back at me. Reckless, immature and childish. But you got me to stay with you.



Beautiful souls. 

Jun 14, 2013

Sama Pandang Matahari

Assalamualaikum.


Aku tahu perit pedih bilamana kau gagal dalam semua perkara yg kau cuba.
Bila diidam satu lagi peluang dan peluang itu tak datang.


Aku tahu besar kesal yg kau rasa.
Bila dulu kau sia-siakan semua masa dan sekarang menagih ulangan.


Yg dulu akan sentiasa jadi 'dulu', dik.
Was takkan berubah jadi is.


Sebab itu bila dikurnia satu lagi 'kini', usah dipersia.
Jangan duduk baring dalam sesal lama sampai kau tak lihat masa kini yg kau masih ada.
Jangan kau harap untuk betulkan silap yg lepas sedangkan kau punya peluang betulkan hari esok yg masih belum kunjung tiba.


" Don't define your future based on your past. Define it based on whom you are today.
And what will you do tomorrow. "


Dik,


Moga sentiasa terlindung dari kecelakaan masa lalu yg pernah kau rasa.
Moga senyum tawa yg kau selalu beri kekal sampai esok dan seterusnya.


Moga esok -- Bila ada garis masa kita berjumpa semula.
Kau aku boleh ketawa bersama lihat cerah matahari yg kita sama rasa.


:)


Jun 13, 2013

Jalan Pergi Sana

Assalamualaikum.


13 June 2013. Having an interview with UniKL Royal College of Medicine Perak-Vinayaka Mission University.


That word Vinayaka. Okay. Aku tahu apa yg terlintas dalam kepala kau yang tahu kisah aku.


Alhamdulillah the interview went just fine. It was held at Ipoh. I thought I'm the only one from UM who came here and try my luck since UPU is far beyond my achievement -___-


But hey, Miera Juji and Daniel was there too!


The first session was group interview which five of us, the candidates, were being interviewed by three panels from RCMP. The session was a lil bit informal. I'm trying my best to look less awkward and act as I'm handling a talkative costumer at my counter when I was a cashier at AEON hahahaha!


But then, I've tried my best. So yeah, yay for Qila.


The second session was Medical Entrance Examination.
I. Thought. It. Was. Just. An. Ordinary. Science. Questions.


100 questions and one essay in 1 hour 15 minutes.


Bij please I can't remember some of the medical terms and Chemistry facts! And I don't even know what the hell lack of Vitamin B12 lead for!


I was so mad while answering those questions. Mad at myself. Why I always expect the less from anything? Aaaaaaa I thought the medical exam was slightly easy wuwuwuwuu :'(


But I'm trying my best to answer those. Alhamdulillah.


The result of this interview will be up within few days. Next Wednesday. Ya Allah please lead me to the right path. You're the Only One and You know how much I'm willing to devote myself if only I was given one more chance. Ya Allah You're The Most Merciful and only to You I shall put my faith on.


Amin amin Ya Rabb.


One step closer, Qila. One step closer.



* * * * * * * * * *


" Kenapa mesti India? "


Sebab program tu memang twinning dengan India.


" Dia tau tak kau mohon nak pergi sana ni? "


Tak. Sebab aku bukan pergi kerana dia.


" .... "


Banyak perkara yang tak sempat diperjelas.


Aku -- Masih seperti dulu. Masih tulis kisah yg aku mulakan tiga tahun lepas. Masih duduk dalam gua lama tak pandang luar.


Tapi nampak gaya sekarang kita berjalan atas dua jalan yg berbeza cabang. Kau terus ke depan, terus maju dengan hidup yg gemilang. Aku -- Macam biasalah. Bertatih. Berlari pun aku masih tak dapat kejar untuk sama tinggi macam kau.


Cuma dalam bertatih-tatih aku, aku mula belajar. Belajar pandang depan tanpa gunakan kau sebagai navigation atau map.


Dua bulan terputus khabar -- Mungkin kau sangka aku sudah lupa semua yg aku pernah cakap.


Takpelah. Anggaplah aku apa saja. Anggaplah aku dah pandang depan dan lupa terus pada kau.


Cuma kalau kau anggap aku dah hilang perasaan -- Besar kemungkinan kau silap.


Aku ingin berhenti menulis tentang kisah ini--
Aku ingin mula menulis kisah syukur aku atas setiap hari yg berjalan.
Aku ingin mula menulis kisah cinta sayang aku kepada orang-orang sekeliling yg aku ambil berat dan peduli.
Aku ingin mula menulis titik jalan aku genggam impian.
Aku ingin mula menulis tentang dunia yg aku masih belum nampak luas.


Aku ingin mula menulis tentang hari-hari seterusnya selepas aku lepaskan apa yg sebelum ini aku fikir milik aku.


Lepaskan. Dan biar Dia saja yang tentukan.
Moga Dia ganti perit sedih aku ini dengan yang lebih baik.


Sebarkan bahagia. Jangan ada duka yg terjangkit.

Jun 12, 2013

Senyum

Assalamualaikum.





Bila fight untuk sesuatu yg kau rasa berbaloi--
Fight sampai habis.


Supaya walaupun kau gagal di pengakhiran, kau masih boleh senyum lebar dan cakap --


" Aku dah cuba semampunya. "


Dan kau akan gembira walaupun kau kalah.


Senyum. Dan pilih gembira.


:)