Jun 23, 2013

Ikhlas

Assalamualaikum.


I'm all awake for Subuh this morning when sudden realization hits me -
I dream about you last night.


I can picture all those scenes clearly in my mind. Like a beautiful sea choral under a pile of clear sea water. I can remember everything like it was never a dream. It was never meant to be just a dream.


I remember how in my dream, I saw your medical friends coming here to a festive where I'm involved. I remember a slight pound I felt in my heart when I think of you coming here to Malaysia. I remember the fear, the sadness, and hopes I've tried to throw away whenever it comes about you.


I remember how I forced myself not to look into each crowd of people, hoping to see you in one of those.
I remember to avoid my sight from any fair, tall and spectacles guy - Just in case it is you.


I'm standing there and did nothing to look for you. I'm pretending your existence here in this festival didn't bother me at all. I squeezed myself into a pack schedule and enjoying myself doing my duties for this festival.


That's when I remember, seeing Syed in front of me. Looking at me.
And clearly whispering something to me.


" Do you want to see him? "


I nodded. Silly stupid daydream version of me just nodded.


Things went as fast as a slight movement of air. Seeing your medical friends gathered at the back of a bus. Remembering how I just stand there like a statue - Too afraid to move. Too afraid to look for you.


And you're there. Right in front of my eyes.


Trying as hard as I ever could to hide away all my emotions from bursting out, I greet you with " Hi! "


" Hi! Hey its been so long since I met you! "


I'm quite confused as your reaction is far beyond my expectations. You're happy -
Way too happy and cheerful as if living at India had bring that happiness inside you.


So I just stand there and look at you while you're talking. Non-stop talking and laughing and grinning at me.
I can't remember seeing you any happier than this since -
Since the day we sit back to watch for a debate competition during Minggu Bahasa at Alor Setar.


The cheerful you. The playful side of you. The happy and bright version of you.


And I can't hold my anger anymore. I remember how in these two months you never speak to me and yet you're here in front of me, acting like it never happened and everything was just fine like it used to be fine months ago.


So I remember in my dream, how loud I scream at you. Right in front of your face.
" Hey!!!!!!!!! "


And I turned back. And walked away.


That's when a few moments later I received a text message (in my dream) from you :


" Ikhlas "


That's it. Just a plain word without any dots or commas or any expression.
Ikhlas.


And I woke up from my sleep. Trembling, and confused.


Ikhlas.


I know I've decided to stop writing about this story which I started to write about three years ago.
But then I guessed -
Some stories were meant to stay alive without any ending.


Or maybe it just me who couldn't find the right ending yet.






Ikhlas.

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