May 24, 2014

Bahu Yang Lemah

Assalamualaikum.


Amanah bukan satu perkara kecil yang boleh aku terima galas di bahu tapi kemudian di lain hari aku rasa terbeban dengan berat yang makin hari makin padu tanpa sempat aku letak ke bawah dan susun satu persatu.


Amanah juga bukan satu perkara mudah yang aku terima hanya kerana ingin mencukupkan markah kokurikulum dan menjadi satu sijil yang menunjukkan aku ini bukan sekadar seorang pelajar perubatan yang tunduk rendah pandang buku semata.


Amanah juga sudah semestinya bukan sesuatu yang boleh aku bangga dan canang sini sana kerana rasa diri lebih kental untuk bawa sesuatu yang tak semua orang sanggup rasa.


Amanah itu, jauh lebih besar berbanding semua yang aku rasa remeh semata.


Satu tugas.
Satu kepercayaan.
Satu kebajikan.


Sesuatu yang aku perlu lakukan tanpa sekelumit rasa ingin mengungkit mahupun mengeluh. Sesuatu yang perlu aku ikhlaskan hati walaupun satu dunia tak ambil peduli berat beban yang aku bawa atas bahu bongkok yang retak ini.


Ada masa aku kental terima semua dan terus pandang ke depan. Pikul semua amanah yang orang rasa kecil tapi bagi aku besar impaknya kalau tak dilaksanakan. Yang mungkin beri kesan dan kesusahan pada mereka yang cukup percaya akan amanah yang aku sedia galas.


Tapi itulah. Mereka tak tahu. Mereka tak faham.


Atau mungkin salah aku kerana tak pernah harapkan bantuan sesiapa dan keras kepala ingin lakukan semuanya seorang semata.

May 4, 2014

So Long Hello And Goodbye

Assalamualaikum.


Its been so long since Anna wrote few of her stories here. Some of you might not know whom she is, but around November 2012 Anna had wrote her first story here (click if want to) that left her heart longing for more, just to see how the ending of her story might lead her into.


And last week, on 23rd to 28th April she finally got to continue her story. A story that she will always remember and up till now, had been one of her most precious memories ever when it comes to him. David Amos.


The day she decided to go to India.
Because it reminds her so much of why she started to step her foot on that land in the first place ever.


Everything on that day was crystal clear.


**********


Few months before April 2014.


" And we would like to announce you our new programme for MEDSOC which is World Affiliation And Rapport Programme 2014, and this time, we're gonna visit USM-KLE which is located at Belgaum, India. "


She's having her daily nap on lecture theater when she woke up with that word India and rushed herself to give her name for joining that programme. No more thinking. No more considering. She just went off and marked her calender. She don't even care about Belgaum which is located far away from Bangalore, because as long as its India, she'll be okay. She'll be just fine.


As long as its the same land she stepped on with him, she feels enough.


**********


She looked at Anna, right into her eyes. Her glowing face. Her genuine smile.


" I just don't wanna see you get hurt when things will never work out the way it used to be. The way you expected. "


Anna stopped doing her laundry and lifted her face. Then she looked down and continued her work.


" I know. But hopes seem too promising, even with the slightest one. "


" Its been more than a year. And all this while I can see how much you're trying to put away your feelings. How much you've been hiding. How much you've trapped in the past. Have you ever considered yourself to move on and start a new story? "


She knows Anna too well. To well since she can't hide anything from her. Anna smiled and put her words, with a lower tone.


" I don't see myself trapping in the past. Just because I used to be so happy back then, doesn't mean that I'm not happy with who I am today. You knew how much I'm going to fight for every little hopes, right? "


She nodded. " You're a fighter, Anna. But I don't wanna see you got hurt with the ending of your story. "


" Then I will never stop looking for the happy part. "


And with that, Anna knew she made the right decision. The decision she made almost four years ago. The decision that she made unconsciously after she learnt to know how a person could make her presence seems so real and bright.


How a person could make her eyes seeing things in a vivid way.
How a person could make her, an Anna.


**********


23 April 2014 Malaysia, 24 April 2014 India.


She woke up from a deep sleep when she heard an announcement made by the pilot of AK 0053 at about 1.00 am Malaysia's time. She peeked at a window beside her and all she can see was darkness. She took a deep breath and fixed her appearances.


" Your hands are cold. " Lya smiled, in a teasing way. Anna smiled back and did her best to hide her feelings. Her excitement and her terror. Her genuine smile and her sadness. All mixed up.


Because she realized at about half an hour she will landed at Bangalore Airport. And somewhere around the waiting hall, somebody was there. 


Waiting for her, for the first time ever.


That's when at about 1.30 am Malaysia's time and 11.00 pm India's time, she could no longer felt her feet when the plane has safely landed at Bangalore Airport. She's excited, yet at the same time terrified. She almost stood there for a minute when Lya took her hands and together with other students, they walked to the arrival hall. Passed through the security point and immigration counter. And when finally they walked out to the waiting hall, Anna looked around to see a figure she always had in her mind.


And then she saw him. Standing at the outside gate with his fellow Malaysian friends. Smiling.


A figure compatible with an image she kept in her mind. A smile she could never erased from her memory. A pair of eyes that reflected both sadness and happiness and everything that came through between that.


A figure belongs to David Amos.


She came towards them and hugged Aisyah and Farah, her friends. And said " Hi " to Syed and his another friend she barely knew. Everyone, except for that one figure with red t-shirt and a spectacles. 


Have you ever wanted for the clock to freeze, but at the same time you wanted it to move faster so that you could run away and keep everything as a memory? Have you ever wanted to hurl something at someone yet at the same time all you ever wanted is to tell them how much everything was normal as they used to be?


That's what she had in her mind. That's when David came to her and gave her a simcard for India's number and some international plugs. As every words she ever practiced before dissapeared out of her mind, she decided to smile. She smiled, and this time its right in front of him.


As in her dream. She said nothing yet that nothing reflects everything.


And when her friends called her to get into the bus that will go straight for Belgaum, she waved at him. She gave a brief smile and walked away without looking back. She didn't know how long he's been there at the airport. But it delights her, because for the first time ever again, she's not the one whom is waiting for him at some place.


Along eight hours journey from Bangalore to Belgaum, Anna spent most of her times looking outside the window and reminiscing the past. Four years back and beyond.


**********


They got to be kidding.


They really got to be kidding her. She's on her way to Belgaum's shopping store when Dr Giri, their lecturer came to them and told her one shocking change in their schedule. He said something of " ..planning for Bangalore.. " and " ..spending more hours there.. " and " ..tour around Bangalore city. "


She literally fainted. Because their original schedule never included a tour around Bangalore. They were supposed to took a bus from Goa on Monday morning and straight for Bangalore Airport after spending four days at Belgaum. But the changes are they'll book a bus from Goa to Bangalore at 8.00 pm on Sunday and will be arriving Bangalore at about 8.00 am on Monday. Their flight to Malaysia is at 11.00 pm. So basically there were plenty of time to spend at Bangalore.


At first, the plan was somehow distracted with some problems like accommodation, transportation etc. But she went forward for Dr Giri and said " Don't worry Dr, we'll find some ways to make this through. I have a contact there and maybe he can help us. " Being a student whom frequently sleeping in his class, Anna quite brave for saying something out of her conscious like that. Dr Giri nodded and they're discussing it with others.


And the plan was on.


And she dialled an India's number right after the decision has been made.


**********


28 April 2014 both Malaysia and India.


Every ten minutes, she checked on her phone to see a text messages from David. He's on his class, but he promised to come for her right after his class finished. And he kept his words because he's there at Mantri Mall, when Anna and her friends came.


He walked Anna around the mall. He even followed her into some stores and accompanied her buying several things. They talked a lot and Anna frequently laugh, being genuine and silly and clumsy as she always did. Half and hour seems so short and few minutes before Anna had to leave that mall, he bought a pillow for her. With all the awkwardness and rushings and suddens, Anna took it and smiled. That yellow pillow has some sort of unique Indian cartoon characters on it. Something she probably will not buy for herself since she's more into flowers and feminine designs. But this one pillow is different, and she kinda liked it.


She swore, that time she felt infinite.


Before she ran to the van with everyone's waiting for her (she was the last person that came out from the mall and she took more than the time they should be there), she looked at him and yelled, " Aren't you coming to the airport tonight? "


Which he said, " I am. "


**********


Within few minutes before entering the airport, Naddy came for her and hugged her.


" Everyone knew and saw how much you're happy today. Especially at the mall. "


Anna smiled and said nothing. Naddy sat beside her, looked straight into her eyes. " How can you like someone that much? " 


" I don't know. I just did. "


Naddy looked confused. " How long have you've been in a relationship with him? "


Which Anna replied, " Never had one between us. "


" So basically there's no relationship at all? I thought he's your boyfriend. " Anna laughed when Naddy burst out like that.


" I don't need a relationship to prove how significant he can be in my life. If there's no beginning, there will be no ending.  " 


Naddy nodded.


Naddy told Anna to tell everything she wanted to if it ever makes Anna feels better, but Anna herself didn't know what to say anymore. She came to a point where she couldn't speak of anything from her mouth but her heart. Just like a year ago when she was at KLIA, sending David off to India for the first time. She said nothing back then. And she didn't knew if she could do the exact opposite things this time.


David came right on the time before they needed to check in for the immigration.


She gave him an envelope with 500 rupees in it (to replace his money for buying her India's number and international plugs), and a note. A single piece of paper with her words written there.


She looked at him, with thousands of unspoken words from her eyes. All she ever wanted to do was yell and throw away her passport. She really wanted to. But she didn't. Fortunately.


She couldn't bear another goodbye. She didn't know if anything like this will ever happened in the future. She just couldn't know. Her story was unpredictable. Her story was flappable. Her story was not fixed with plots and climaxes and conflicts. Her story just, continuously going on with she longing for David from afar. With she struggling to make herself better and always be there to welcome David when he finally came home to Malaysia.


So when he finally said " Take care ", she replied with " Wait for me here, next year. " 


And she waved at him before came inside to the check in center. Gave him her purest smile with loads of unspoken words and hopes. And doesn't look back, as usual.


For the first time ever, it wasn't she whom was left behind.
For the first time ever, it wasn't she whom had to see he's leaving her.
For the first time ever, she felt appreciated. 


And for the first time ever, she got someone who waits for her and send her off with a promising smile.


A kind of smile she hopes to see again on her next flight to Bangalore, somewhere around next year. When she further her clinical years at Salem, India.


Along with the 11.15 pm flight of AK 0052 Bangalore-Kuala Lumpur, she closed her eyes and restraining herself from crying. She wrote all her feelings in her heart, deep inside. She remembered how these past four years she had been looking for the same person and everything about him just makes sense. She remembered all the laughs, all the tears, all the happiness and sadness he'd brought into her life. And by that, she captured David's figure with her mind and keep along with all the memories there. Tall, black t-shirt, thick hair, fair skin with spectacles and a pair of eyes that always saw the beauty and kindness in others.


Everything on that day was crystal clear.


There's so much ways to say how much you're longing for someone. So much ways to express those feelings in words form. So many ways people could have choose to say, express or even write for their worth ones.


Yet Anna chose to write " Its still you. " in the note she gave him in that envelope together with 500 rupees money.


Its still him.
From 2010 up till now.


Sayonara daisukina hito, David.


**********


" And it's quite alright.
And goodbye for now.
Just look up to the stars,
and believe who you are,
'cause it's quite alright.
And so long, goodbye.. "


23-28 April 2014
Belgaum - Goa - Bangalore