Jul 31, 2014

Roses And Eid

I couldn't figure out why but I found the beauty in roses which amazed me, since I'm not the type of girl that received flowers from anyone.

Roses are beautiful.
No matter they're in pods form or bloomed form.

I wish I could be one.

And loved.

Jul 30, 2014

Too Much Information (TMI) Tag


Few days ago I watched Bethany Mota's channel and she's doing a TMI tag in one of her latest videos. So I've been Googling this TMI questions and decided to answer it, since I'm quite bored and got nothing to do.

Just kidding.
Even if I got plenty of tasks to do, I'm still going to do this anyway hehe. I'm that kind of person that is determined enough to do something once I decided I want to. Good quality I guessed, but sometimes bad as well!

So, here it is!

(Super Saiya Aqila is typing with a speed of a thunderbolt)

1: What are you wearing?

: Right now, its a pink cotton long nightdress from Tesco. I kinda wear pyjamas, long nightdress and even baju kelawar almost everyday and everytime whenever I'm at home. Even siang buta yang panas pun aku masih suka pakai tshirt dan seluar tidur bila duduk dalam rumah, jadi orang selalu keliru sama ada aku baru bangun tidur atau baru nak tidur hehehe.

2: Ever been in love?

: With my family, every single days. With my friends, right after I knew them inside and outside. With my cats. With myself, my dreams and my mind forever as long as I live. But when it comes to love for the opposite gender, twice.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

: Once.

4: How tall are you?

: 156 cm and the number doesn't changed since I was in Standard Six.

5: How much do you weigh? 

: The range goes from 50-59 kg. But right now its 56. I never put any serious attention for my weight anyway.

6: Any tattoos?

: Nop.

7: Any piercings?

: Once, for my earings but unfortunately I'm allergic with any types of metal earings so the holes at my ears remain empty.

8: OTP?

: Last time I talked with somebody on the phone is with my mom, and she reminds me to do the laundry.

9: Favorite show?

: Plenty of em. But on top of the list is Hunter x Hunter anime!

10: Favorite bands?

: Plenty of em too. But mostly on my playlist are A Rocket To The Moon, Mayday Parade, All Time Low, Lifehouse, The Click Five, Vampire Weekend, He Is We, Simple Plan, Linkin Park and The Script.

11: Something you miss?

: My past.

12: Favorite song?

: Right now, its Road Untraveled from Linkin Park and Joshua from Lifehouse.

13: How old are you?

: 20 on 22th of July :)

14: Zodiac sign?

: Cancer.

15: Quality you look for in a partner?

: Someone who knows how to say "Yes" and even "No", although the truth sometimes hurts. Someone who can read all my writings and poems and still smile at me even if he didn't understand any of it.

16: Favorite Quote?

: Be the changes you wanted the world to be.

17: Favorite actor?

: Maya Karin! Hands down it will always be her! (fangirling mode is on)

18: Favorite color?

: Pastel colours and white.

19: Loud music or soft?

: It depends on my mood.

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?

: Most of the time, this blog. I tend to write more every time sadness hits me.

21: How long does it take you to shower?

: 10-15 minutes? Sometimes more but I don't usually take a long shower, unless when I wanted to be alone and bathroom is the only place unoccupied. 

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

: Hehehehehehehehehehe. No matter how early I wake up from my sleep every morning, I will always finished myself at 7.30 am.

23: Ever been in a physical fight?

: I once punched a guy and slapped a girl. But don't worry, that was several years ago.

24: Turn on?

: Words, writings and poems. Basically any small gesture of kindness.

25: Turn off?

: Betrayal and people with no stand to fight for.

26: The reason I joined blogspot?

: I like to write and I often express my thoughts in words form. Simply because I found it much more beautiful and meaningful.

27: Fears?

: Anything that belongs to Nematode, Trematode and Cestode.

28: Last thing that made you cry?

: The death of David Amos in my story.

29: Last time you said you loved someone?

: I said it in my mind, all the time.

30: Meaning behind your blog's name?

: Nothing. Aqila Syahiena is just a name.

31: Last book you read?

: Mars and Venus Starting Over - A Guide For A Painful Breakup and Loss Of Loved Ones.

32: The book you’re currently reading?

: The Fault In Our Stars by John Green!

33: Last show you watched?

: Grown Ups.

34: Last person you talked to?

: My cat, Wonka. 

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

: Friend. I never  have anyone to text other than my family or friends anyway.

36: Favorite food?

: Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Anything that has cheese on it!

37: Place you want to visit?

: Kampung Gajah, Perak. Because somehow I feel like I belongs there. A place I can called home. A place I first discovered myself. But I also wish to land my feet at Taj Mahal :)

38: Last place you were?

: Err, my college at Ipoh I guessed. I rarely go out of my house whenever I'm at my family's house.

39: Do you have a crush?

: For four years.

40: Last time you kissed someone?

: Just now. Its my cat again, Wonka.

41: Last time you were insulted?

: Directly in front of me was several years ago. But behind my back, how would I possibly know?

42: Favorite flavor of sweet?

: Vanilla :) I like the taste of it, the scent of it and I love everything with vanilla!

43: What instruments do you play?

: Instrumental guitar.

44: Favorite piece of jewelry?

: Small bracelet :)

45: Last sport you played?

: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe hehehe hehe he he he.

46: Last song you sang?

: Complicated by Avril Lavinge, in my bathroom just now.

47: Favorite chat up line?

: Take care (?)

48: Have you ever used it?

: Use what, that favourite chat line? Yup I kinda use it every single time I ended a conversation. But secretly, I like it so much when somebody said that to me lol weird Aqila.

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

: I don't think I ever hung up on anyone if I got my memories right.

50: Who should answer these questions next?

: I don't even care :)

Jul 26, 2014

Sembuh Bersama Waktu (Dark)

Kerana hampir setiap hari aku tidur dengan harapan esok hari akan lebih mekar berbanding hari ini.
Dan hampir setiap malam juga, kerap kali aku terjaga.
Peluh di dahi dan detak di hati.

Bukan niat aku mahu terus-terusan berselubung dalam gelap seperti ini.
Seperti mana tulisan yang aku coret sejak kebelakangan ini.
Aku tidaklah bodoh untuk terus hanyut dalam angan-angan dan harapan yang bercerai-berai.

Seperti yang telah aku katakan kepada sesiapa yang menegur dan menasihati ;
Biar dahulu aku menangis dan mencari haluan diri.
Untuk sementara waktu yang masih bersisa, aku mahu bersendiri.

Aku hanya perlukan waktu.
Untuk mencari semula cebisan diri yang telah pergi.
Untuk memacak semula harapan dan impian yang suram kelam hilang tak bertanda.
Untuk melakar kembali bunga senyuman yang pudar.

Tidaklah terdetik untuk membenci.
Kerana siapalah aku untuk melawan ketetapan Ilahi.

Jika ada yang memahami, mohon dihormati pendirian aku ;
Jangan dipaksa aku untuk melupakan.
Jangan didesak aku untuk melepaskan.
Jangan dihasut aku untuk berdendam, membenci atau menghina membabi buta.

Tidaklah menjadi hasrat aku untuk membenci orang yang pernah aku sayangi.
Kerana hati yang sudah sedia lopong ini tidak perlu digelapkan lagi.

Berikan aku waktu.
Aku mahu terbang setinggi mungkin.
Mencari haluan baru yang menjanjikan harapan hari esok.
Bersama sekeping hati yang masih pijar dan rapuh.

Luka ini perlu sembuh.
Perasaan ini perlu dipulangkan.

Jul 24, 2014


Its quite cold out here
Dark, too.

But mostly I have the stars ;
To reminds me of you.

I think about the others
The ones that hold you near
And get to feel your warmth.

Oh how I would love to get to know you!

But it doesn't really matter
Because I'm so far out of reach
For I am very small in your universe
Uncounted and betrayed 
And you are the reigning Sun
Almighty and praised.

A great distance from where you are
I crave to feel your presence
Because maybe someday when you dominate everything you love
I will be left, for you never knew me.

While I watched from a distance
Alone in our existence.

Its ironic really
For I am the one remembered for being forgotten.

I hope for a better day, where you'll know that I'm here
But for now I hope you're happy
And it should stay that way.

So even while you do not know me
You will forever be in my heart and stay
So hello my love, most call me Pluto.

Aqila Syahiena, with inspired by Pluto
For a sip of sadness that bounced back so sudden ;
At 3 am in the morning.

Jul 22, 2014


Today I'm twenty, and still blooming.

By the time I've bloomed with the brightest colours, you'll be somewhere in the yesterday.

Jul 20, 2014

Linkin Park (Dark)


I've put this blog into private mode so yeah, this is basically me typing a post with no one to read but me. Just want to spill out something here without being known.

I wasn't cured, yet. I'm still dealing with this pain of being turned down by the one I trusted so much. Every single things that passed through my eyes, my ears and even my thought will reminds me of this broken hands of mine. I'm still living in a confined wall that I built to keep everything away from me for a while.

Up till one point, I just don't have the heart to feel anymore.

I was mad. Insanely mad. I even cursed, a lot. I know, not a typical Aqila to curse upon something or hurling my anger. To say something like "Bodoh" pun I even shut myself off because I don't like to use any kinds of bad words. But here I am, shouting every curse that I ever knew, in my mind.

I was screaming and cursing and shouting.
Though not verbally from my mouth.

I have these anger and hatred and frustration and rage that constantly engulfing my silence. Even if someone accidentally irritated me, I'll feel like stabbing him billions of times. Say a word that is sensitive for me, and I'll feel like punching her up till one point she became like a rotten mango (oh J don't worry, not your kind of mango!)

But as usual. As typical Aqila always did.
She kept her mouth shut and swallow all the negative thoughts.

Nothing's wrong actually.
Its just that, this month is kinda tough for me to deal with.

I'm being extra emotional and couldn't handle my mind properly as I always did. I'm losing bits and bits of my inner spirit and I still need some times to regain myself back.

Its hard.

I'm having my End Of Module (EOM) examination for Gastrointestinal (GIT) module this Wednesday. Thanks for adding yourself to my God-knows-how-huge-and-overwhelming-pressure list. With my recent sleep pattern, good luck in studying dear me.

So basically I'll build a higher and thicker walls around me, to keep pace with my stress and my study. I need to get back my momentum in this study, I really do. I can't afford losing anything anymore, even my passion in medicine.   Big no.

Oh and I'm starting to dwell myself into Linkin Park recently. I usually go for A Rocket To The Moon, Mayday Parade, Lifehouse, Vampire Weekend and The Click Five but Roads Untraveled by Linkin Park kinda suits my mind right now.

Pray for my healing.
Oh, I forgot this is a private blog.

By the time you read this, it could be several days after I've posted this.
So yeah. Good luck Aqila.

A Letter To Athena

Mereka katakan, "Tak perlu kau menunggu akan perkara yang tidak pasti."
Kau kembali duduk menunggu dia.

Mereka bangkit dan cuba untuk mengheret kau dari bangku menunggu
Kau berpegang erat pada bangku itu , "Jangan lepaskan."

Seorang pemuda menawarkan bantuan,
Menawarkan sebuah kerusi yang tidak perlu kau duduk dan menunggu lagi.

Kau senyum
Kau tetap kaku diatas bangku itu, menunggu dia.

Pemuda itu tersenyum, kagum 
Bertapa kuatnya kau berpegang pada janji yang telah kau ikrarkan dahulu.

Dua, tiga, dan seterusnya hingga kelapan
Semuanya menawarkan hati untuk diberi dan kau masih menolak segala kerusi kosong yang diberi.

Kau senyum 
Kau tetap kaku diatas bangku itu, menunggu dia.

Sedangkan kau sendiri tidak pasti bilakah dia akan pulang 
Sama ada dia akan pulang, atau tidak langsung.

Kau senyum,
Kau tetap kaku diatas bangku itu, menunggu dia. 

Ini dipanggil setia.
Jarang sekali untuk kita berjumpa dengannya.

Dia sangat beruntung mempunyai seorang penunggu yang setia seperti kau.

A Letter To Athena
Somewhere in 2011
Aqila Syahiena, in collaboration with Fakri Khairi.

Jul 17, 2014

Fikiran Yang Disorok (Dark)

" I've read your blog. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. "

Aku angguk. Kawan baik selama 13 tahun baru pulang ke Malaysia. Dan dia pulang untuk melihat aku mengilusikan diri sambil terperangkap dalam tembok tinggi yang makin kukuh aku pasak sekeliling diri.

" This is the second time I've ever seen you like this. The first one was back then in 2009. But you know what? You're much better. Much stronger. "

Aku angguk lagi. Separuh sedar.
Dia tak puas hati dengan reaksi batu depan mata.

" Risau jugak kalau kau cuba nak bakar asrama macam dulu. " Kali ini aku tergelak. Terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala kenangan aku rempuh asrama lelaki STAR dan cuba bakar dorm Abu Bakar.

Itu kali pertama.
Dan walaupun bertahun-tahun sudah berlalu, walaupun luka sudah sembuh, aku masih tidak mahu melihat wajah itu lagi. Aku sentiasa tanamkan dalam diri bahawa dia sudah mati dalam hidup aku dan segala kenangan turut serta dibawa pergi.

Itu kali pertama.
Ketika perasaan aku berbalas walaupun cuma perasaan monyet. Dan seperti kebanyakan kisah monyet yang lain, dia berlalu pergi bersama salah seorang rakan baik. Cinta tiga segi kononnya. Aku ditikam rakan sendiri dan buat pertama kalinya, mula kenal apa itu patah hati.

Dan ini kali kedua.
Bezanya cuma perasaan ini tak pernah terbalas.

" Macam mana kau pernah sembuh suatu masa dulu, macam itulah aku yakin kau mampu sembuh untuk yang ini. "

Aku tahu.
Tapi entah kenapa yang ini lebih dalam lubangnya.

" Aqila yang aku kenal bertahun-tahun memang lembut orangnya. Tapi bukan lembik. Kau kena ingat itu. "

" Kau memang lembut hati. Paling cermat menjaga perasaan orang. Tapi kau keras kepala. Tak pernah sekali pun aku nampak kau give up bila kau dah set dalam kepala yang kau nakkan sesuatu. Kau orang paling keras kepala, paling degil, paling batu pernah aku jumpa. "

Dia tak puas hati tengok aku pasif.
Dia mula provok dan cabar muka kejung tiada emosi aku.

" Bertahun-tahun aku kenal kau. Kau boleh tipu semua orang kecuali aku. "

Aku angkat kepala dan ketap bibir.

" Kalau kau betul-betul kenal aku, kau akan tahu aku tak suka didesak dan dipaksa-paksa. Bagi aku masa. Aku kenal diri aku. Aku tau aku akan sembuh, cuma bukan sekarang dan bukan dalam sekelip mata. Bagi aku masa. Itu je. "

Dia pandang aku dan tersenyum. " Now Aqila that I knew had spoken. "

" Masa boleh bantu kau sembuh. Dan masa juga boleh tunjukkan pada kau yang sesuatu perkara itu boleh berubah 360 darjah. Dengan satu syarat. "

Aku angkat kening, menunggu.

" Kau longgarkan ikatan manusia dalam hati dan mula bergantung kepada takdir Tuhan. Kau dah usaha. Sekarang biar Dia tunjukkan rencana seterusnya. "

Senyum. Dia memang satu-satunya kawan yang paling telus membaca fikiran yang aku sorok daripada semua orang dengan alasan " Aku okey, seminggu dua lupalah nanti. "

Jul 13, 2014

Kebenaran (Dark)

13 Julai 2014.

Jika pada post akhir aku sebelum ini ada tertulis bahawa This Is The Pause Of Our Story, hari ini dengan sepenuh kekecewaan dan kerendahan hati, aku katakan bahawa ini pengakhirannya.

Dengan penuh rasa malu dan terhina, aku ucapkan terima kasih kerana menjadikan aku patung dan bayang-bayang selama empat tahun. Kerana membuatkan aku kelihatan seperti seorang gadis yang terdesak, dungu, senang ditipu dan seperti tiada jiwa.

Hari ini Allah telah membuka segala pekung dan rahsia yang hampir semua orang tahu kecuali aku. Hari ini Allah telah menunjukkan kepada aku warna sebenar orang yang aku sanjung selama empat tahun. Hari ini Allah telah bongkar setiap satu putar belit dan permainan orang-orang sekeliling aku, dimana aku menjadi watak dan aku juga lah permainannya.

Dengan penuh kerendahan hati dan rasa malu yang menggunung tinggi, aku mohon, lupakanlah setiap satu coretan yang tertulis dalam blog ini sekiranya ada bersangkut-paut dengan kisah seorang Aqila yang terkejar-kejar mencari si pemain wayang kulit. Lupakan semuanya.

Aku sudah tahu semuanya.
Sesiapa pun tak perlu berselindung lagi untuk sorokkan daripada aku perkara sebenarnya, dengan alasan tidak mahu aku bersedih.

Aku sudah tahu siapa, mengapa dan bagaimana boleh berakhir begini.

Orang yang disukai sebenarnya memandang orang lain. Dan selama ini aku dilayan hanya kerana aku dilihat seperti bayang-bayang seseorang. Cuma sebagai pengganti. Sebagai satu eskapisme.

Sebab pada pengakhirannya, aku hanya seorang Aqila yang naif, lurus, terlalu mudah memaafkan dan sentiasa berbaik sangka memberi peluang. Seorang Aqila yang tebal muka mengejar sedangkan SEMUA orang sudah tahu cerita sebenarnya.

Siapa sangka, mutiara putih dan bintang berkilau yang disangka rupanya cuma sekadar pasir tepian dan lampu malap di malam yang gelap.

Cukup-cukuplah perantau di India, berahsia dan bermain dengan jiwa.
Kelak termakan kata-kata.

Ketika itu baru beringat, rapuh hancurnya jiwa seseorang yang suatu masa dahulu pernah dilambung-lambung setinggi awan dan dibiar jatuh tak bersambut.

Kepada manusia mulia yang dihormati dan tanpa disedari sentiasa mengikuti perkembangan blog dan kisah ini, maafkan saya kerana tidak bijak membuka mata hati dan buta dengan perasaan sendiri. Maafkan saya kerana terlalu lama tidak berhubung, saya sangka saya sudah tidak diingati dan diambil kisah.

Kepada manusia mulia yang dihormati serta diingati dan disayangi, saya malu kerana mungkin pada pandangan cikgu dan rakan-rakan yang lain, saya ini rapuh orangnya. Tidak cakna mengatur rasa. Saya malu. Seakan satu dunia sedang berdekah-dekah ketawa melihat lurusnya seorang Aqila kerana menyangka bulan akan jatuh ke riba tanpa memandang cermin yang sedia ada.

Terima kasih kerana masih mengambil berat walaupun mungkin saya gagal menjadi seperti yang diharapkan. Maaf kerana diri penuh calar balar dan salah silap.

Selama ini saya sangka saya menulis atas angin dan syok sendiri tanpa ada sesiapa yang baca.

Ah tapi sama saja seperti perasaan ini. Syok sendiri melukis harapan tanpa sedar dunia berputar dan segalanya tak berpihak pada diri.

Manusia yang dihormati dan disayangi itu benar-benar seorang srikandi idaman. Semoga sentiasa dipelihara Allah akan kebaikan hatinya. Entah bila akan ada keberanian dan ketabahan untuk saya menunjukkan wajah selepas segala yang cikgu ketahui. Malu yang sesungguh rasa malu.

Mohon sesiapa yang memahami tolong berikan diri ini masa untuk pulih. Mohon jangan didesak atau dipaksa atau dilabel 'cepat lemah'. Anda tidak faham. Anda tidak berada di tempat saya.

Diri ini tidak berdendam. Tidak juga menyumpah seranah. Cuma mohon diberi kekuatan untuk tidak terlalu membenci dan hanyut dalam bisikan kemarahan.

Maaf, dan mohon.

13 Julai 2014. 

Dia akan pulang ke Malaysia. Dan itulah kepulangan terakhirnya yang akan aku sambut. Kerana selepas ini, tiada lagi nama dia atau David Amos atau segala yang berkaitan dengannya.

Kerana sebaik saja aku melangkah keluar dari balai ketibaan KLIA2, Anna dan The Fruitcake Special telah mati.

Jul 12, 2014

The Pause Of Our Story


" Aku tidaklah buta untuk melihat itu. "


" You once said that you're not good in words instead of writings, and guess what, I'm worst in both part. "


" Aku tak letakkan dalam hati lagi pasal itu, banyak lagi benda lain yang aku nak capai dan lalui. "


" p/s : There are still bunch of people with a good heart. Believe me, I have seen them and I'll try to become one. "

- David Amos, 7.12 pm 11th July 2014 -

* * * * * * * * * *

Those are parts of a long message I received late in the evening.

Thank you, for replying me although its several days late.
Thank you, for every words written.

I really found the beauty that lies within this pain.
It brought me smiling, in an ache that a heart will always mend.

I couldn't figured out how and why.
But somehow, somewhere in the depth of a hole in this heart, your words gave me hope.

Not a kind of hope that I always put on every time I think about you.
Not a kind of hope that you've left me when you first land your feet at India.

This is a kind of hope that is promising.
A kind of hope that meant to be for tomorrow and the future.
A kind of hope that gave me reassurance, and inspiration.

To slowly let go.
And give the time, some time.

By means of letting go, I'm not giving up on us. I will never be.
I'm just giving us some space. And faith.

Who knows what is waiting for us in the future?
Who knows what will happen next?
Who knows in which way both of us will grow up and becoming a person we inspired to be?

Who knows the continuation of our story?
Nobody knows. Well, for humans.

By means of letting go, I will put my faith solely to Allah. 
Just like you have said, there's so much to experience. There's so much to dream and to achieve. There's so much in this world that we need to see, to feel, to embrace. We didn't have to rush upon ourselves. We didn't have to force ourselves with the things we haven't prepared for.

By means of letting go, I believe in faith and time. 
If it was meant to be, it will be. If it wasn't, I pray Allah so that my heart will still be filled with hopes, loves, dreams and endless trusts. Time will heal everything. Time will give us some space to grow up and fulfill our life goals.

When the right time comes, I believe Allah will arrange a random place with a random scene and a random acquaintance ; that we will meet with each other and having our first new conversation together.

When both of us are ready to move on with the next stage of our story.

By that time, both of us could introduce ourselves with smiles and perhaps, I could sense my first heartbeat. Just like I used to feel four years ago when I first saw you in the class.

And if the right time comes with both of us already having a person we both loved, I hope we could cherish all the time we've been friends and embrace the happiness that lies within our dead story, even if we're not meant to be together. Even when both of us ended up with someone else.

Until that time comes, may Allah bless your journey.
May Allah grants you with endless efforts to achieve what you wanna be.
May Allah leads you to the right path, and gives reminder to you every time you slip out of way.

May Allah heal all of your sadness.
May Allah covers your dignity and sins.
May Allah puts you in a test you can always win through.

I believe in you. I will forever have my faith in you, that you could be anything you ever wanted to.
I will stand behind you, even from afar. I will always supporting you in any ways I ever could.

You used to be one of my inspiration.
And guess what, you will always be.

Go anywhere you like. Go as far as you can. Find yourself. Build yourself.

And I will be here, doing the same thing as you.
Healing my heart. Reconnecting my faith. Chasing my highest dreams.

We'll go for our own ways from now.
So basically this is me, saying goodbye to my feelings for you.

My four years crush.
My one-sided love story.

With tears streaming down my cheeks, yet I'm smiling.
Because right now, though I'm sad, but I'm happy to do so.
Within the pain of choosing this decision, somehow I feel relieved.

I knew, this is the right thing to do.
I have this confidence that this is what Allah wanted us to be. This is Allah's way to show His love for us. This is how Allah teach us to be a better person from who we used to be. This is a test, a chance, an opportunity for both of us to reclaim our faith towards Him.

I send my whole love for you to Allah.
As He will always keep it enclosed, safe from anything belongs to this world.

I thanked Allah for finding you.
And I thanked Allah for giving me the strength to put all my faith in Him regarding this decision.

Until next time, you'll be remembered.
As I am letting you go, with both tears and smile on my face.

This is the pause of The Fruitcake Special story.

Aqila Syahiena and Anna
4.39 a.m, 12th July 2014 (14 Ramadan 1435)

Jul 10, 2014

Mak Mok & Jawa


Aku teringat apa yang Mak Mok (nama panggilan kepada mak angkat aku) bualkan dengan aku beberapa jam lepas. Aku berjalan kaki ke rumah dia petang tadi dan duduk sekejap untuk lepas rindu lepas beberapa bulan tak berjumpa.

Rasanya kali terakhir aku jumpa Mak Mok pun waktu raya tahun lepas.
Makin sayu bila terlihat kedut tua yang tak pernah berkurang hari demi hari.

Aku duduk depan tv sambil menemankan Mak Mok melipat kain yang menggunung tinggi. Cucu dua orang takde di rumah, mungkin sebab itu rumah agak sunyi dan Mak Mok boleh duduk bersembang dengan aku.

Kalau tak Mak Mok tak pernah duduk diam.
Ada saja kerja yang nak dibuat. Somehow I got part of my OCD pun because of her, I think. 

Waktu aku seronok melayan sinetron Indonesia depan tv, Mak Mok cuit aku.

" Kapan arek gowo wong e nang omah? " 

Aku yang masih tak perasan hala tuju perbualan pun menjawab sambil mata masih pada tv. " Wong nang di? "

Tapi lepas itu aku menyesal sebab jawab.
Nampak dah apa sebenarnya yang nak ditanya.

" Mak kuwe wes ceritain kambek Mak Mok. Wong e nang India yo? "

" Sopo-sopo wae lah mak. Aku orak ono wong meneh. "

Mak Mok masih melipat kain. 
Tapi tak berhenti tutup tajuk itu. 

Aku dah tak tau nak berlakon khusyuk pandang tv macam mana lagi.

" Wes sayang, ojo di orak in. Kapan arek teko ngomah? "

" Kawan wae lah mak. De'e orak sayang aku. Aku wae sing sukak kambek de'e. "

" Yo sampei mak kuwe ngomong kambek Mak Mok kok orak bener. Wong di? Teluk Intan? "

Aku angguk je. Malas nak melayan sedih yang mula mendatang.

" Ono jodoh e yo ono. Mak Mok kuwe wes tuo, kepingin arek teko kenduri kuwe. Kuwe yo wes kambek anak e mak. Kapan entek belajar e? "

" Aku ono papat tahun meneh mak. Lomo meneh mak aku arek mantu. "

Mak Mok memang pantang kalau aku cakap macam tu.

" Ojo lah ngomong kayok gitu! Kuwe melis wong e, ono wae sing arek gae mantu. "

Tergelak besar aku. Jauh benar 'melis' dengan diri aku. Kalau cakap 'ayu' ke 'ono rupo' ke boleh lagi. Melis? Tak berhenti geleng kepala.

" Orak lah mak. Ono yo ono. Orak ono kok aku arek paksa. "

" Keperiye wong e? "

" Mak arek deluk? Ono nang telefon aku. " 

Aku capai phone atas meja.
" Kiye. "

Mak Mok yang rabun dekat pun tolak phone aku jauh-jauh sambil kerut muka. Pandang satu gambar yang terpapar pada skrin phone aku.

" Rupa ne kayok kuwe sitik. Tapi kuwe itam meneh. "

Aaaaaa sampai hati Mak Mok cakap kulit aku hitam! :(

Tak lama kemudian Kak Zah (menantu Mak Mok) pulang dengan dua orang anaknya. Disebabkan Kak Zah orang Kelantan dan tak pandai cakap Jawa, aku takdelah cakap Jawa dengan dia. Tersenyum-senyum Kak Zah bila nampak Mak Mok 'interview' aku sampai macam tu sekali.

Biasanya Mak Mok cakap bahasa Melayu dengan aku.
Tapi kalau ada benda serius, mesti Jawa jugak yang terkeluar dari mulut.

Aku dilahirkan dalam keluarga Jawa tulen. Kedua-dua mak dan ayah aku memang berketurunan Jawa dan masih lagi berkomunikasi dalam bahasa Jawa. Mak Yang (nenek) dan atuk aku tak berapa pandai bercakap dalam bahasa Melayu, jadi setiap kali pulang ke kampung yang jaraknya cuma sekangkang kera, aku memang akan bercakap Jawa secara penuh. Makcik-makcik dan pakcik-pakcik aku pun hampir kesemuanya berkahwin dengan orang Jawa. Jadi setiap kali ada majlis besar yang melibatkan ramai orang, memang riuh dengan Jawa.

Sampaikan aku jadi kesian pada ahli keluarga minoriti yang berketurunan Melayu hahaha. Ternganga mulut tak faham suami sendiri cakap apa.

Tapi generasi aku dan seterusnya di bawah aku sudah kurang mahir berbahasa Jawa. Aku sendiri pun, kalau nak bercakap Jawa kena fikir sekejap dalam kepala merangka ayat.

Anak-anak buah aku lagi lah.
Kuwe (engkau) dan de'e (dia) pun tak tau.

Aku sayang bahasa Jawa yang melekat pada lidah aku.
Aku tak kisah mengaku darah Jawa yang masih pekat mengalir dalam badan aku ini pada orang lain.

Kadang aku terfikir sendiri. Dalam perancangan aku nak buka pusat rawatan harian khas untuk warga Meru dan Bukit Kapar beberapa tahun selepas aku graduate, aku nak gunakan bahasa Jawa sepenuhnya.

Style pula rasanya sambil pegang stethoscope sambil bersembang dengan Wak Rus, " Nang di sakit e wak? Kene? Kono? "

Aku malas nak letak translation.
Siapa pandai cakap Jawa fahamlah (smirk).

Jul 9, 2014

The Elvind's

Gambar sekadar hiasan

Housemates of No 26 Laluan 2 Arena Kepayang Putra 31400 Ipoh.

July 2013 - July 2015 insyaAllah. On August 2015 onwards, we'll pursue our third year medical degree at VMU Salem, India.

Through thick and thin together.
First few months used to be so hard, but fret not now we're much more compatible and understand each other's flaws and sparkles.

I pray Allah for our friendship.
Despite our huge differences in personalities and interests, somehow I could love each and every one of you.

Nabihah, Aqila, Siti Kamaliah, Nur Sakhinah and Nuruljannah.
The Elvind's, MBBS UniKL RCMP - VMU.

(p/s : boleh teka dah siapa yang masih dan sentiasa single kbye)

Jul 8, 2014







There's something poetic in loving a person who will never love you back.
I'm not saying I enjoy the pain.
Just that I find it beautiful ;

To love without any hope of being loved.

Maybe one day
We'll meet again.
When we're different people.

Maybe then ;
We'll be better for each other.

And I could fall for you for the sixth time and the number goes on as we grow older.

Jul 7, 2014

Monday Offday


Hari ini kelas aku mula pukul 10.30. Dan disebabkan aku bercuti, aku tak bangun pukul 6.20 macam kebiasaannya.

Aku terjaga jam 10.21 pagi.
Aku keluar dari bilik, perkarangan rumah dah kosong dengan kereta.

Sampai begitu sekali takde siapa perasan akan kewujudan aku di rumah ini.

Yang itu ingatkan aku masih bersiap dalam bilik agaknya.
Yang ini pula ingatkan aku pergi awal dengan yang itu agaknya.

Aku masuk semula dalam bilik, kunci pintu dan berselubung dalam selimut.
Pejam mata sambil memadam semua kemarahan yang bersarang.

Pagi ini aku ada tiga lecture.
Petang pula aku ada forum Intercultural Communication.
Dan perlu hantar proposal yang group aku sendiri takde siapa yang serius buat betul-betul.

And here I am, on my bed typing on my blog about how shit a day can be.

Tempat paling bawah dalam ekosistem sosiologi manusia.

I hate this day and I hate everything.
I hate my imaginary friend too.

Pergi mampus semuanya.
Aku nak tidur sampai malam.


Updated somewhere in the evening at 4.03 pm.

Antara kemarahan terpendam sebab tak terbangun pagi tadi dan carry marks untuk ICC, aku pilih carry marks untuk ICC. Marah boleh disimpan sendiri. Markah exam mana nak cari?

Jadi pukul 12.30 tadi aku capai tuala untuk mandi.
Bila aku pulas tombol pintu bilik air, tak boleh pusing.

Jannah kunci pintu bilik air dari dalam (sebab bilik air itu bersambung dengan bilik dia). Aku menjerit dalam kepala bagai nak gila. Di mana ingin ku cari sabun syampu dan berus gigi..

Berbekalkan kunci spare bilik Obie (bilik lama aku), aku capai phone dan whatsapp Obie " Aku tumpang bilik air kau. Jannah kunci dari dalam. Sabun syampu berus gigi semua aku nak sapu. "

Tapi aku guna Listerine je instead of berus gigi dia heh. Dan aku jumpa berus gigi lama aku di celah kabinet toiletries.

Bila aku mandi, baru kepala aku boleh berpusing dengan jelas.
Bukannya housemates aku tak peduli pasal kewujudan aku. Tapi semua orang tak bergerak keluar rumah dalam masa yang sama.

Jannah keluar pukul 8 pagi, jadi dia ingat aku pergi dengan Kinah dan Obie.

Biha keluar pukul 9.45 pagi, jadi dia ingat aku pergi dengan Kinah dan Obie atau Jannah.

Obie dan Kinah keluar pukul 10.20 pagi, jadi mereka ingat aku dah pergi dengan Biha.

Kak Idalis pula tak jejak kaki ke rumah lagi dari Negeri Sembilan.

Untuk proposal pula, bukannya group aku tak serius nak buat betul-betul.
Tapi masing-masing sibuk dengan kerja yang berlambak dan takde siapa ingat tarikh hantar assignment.

Aku tak pernah marah dalam jangka masa yang lama.
(Tapi ada beza antara marah dan terasa).

Kalau aku marah, seperti kebanyakan kita yang lain, I tend to overthink and put all the blame on me. Everything is my fault. I'm the lowest one that shall be executed for guilty. I'm the black dot in a plain paper. I will put a distance and bubble around me since I feel inferior and as if I didn't do anything right.

Well thats me.

Tapi aku simpan semua marah dalam hati. I tried my best not to complain or whining over something. Aku simpan senyap-senyap dan bila aku dah reda, baru semua benda akan jadi jelas dan nyata.

Kadang benda yang teruk dan dahsyat itu berkisar dalam kepala sahaja.

So its just another bad day for all of us (well especially the panda eyes me).

Waiting for 11th of July to arrive.
Man this week is such a long and depressing for me.

Semoga Berjaya Esok, Yang Jauh

Assalamualaikum. Anna is here.

An interface of a grown up girl whom life is kinda messed up and everything turned out to be wrong.

Its 7th of July and this morning, somebody is going to have his examination before going back to Malaysia on 13th of July.

She remember every details.

She was mad, very mad.
Yet she still cares.

Wherever you are, good luck.
Good luck in everything you did.

Because there will always be one person who will fight for you. Will be here for you whenever you decided you wanted to be accepted by someone.

Someone who always look for your figure and name since the past four years.

She really needs to stop from letting her interface expressing her words.
So yeah. Anna is away for a while and here is Aqila.

My name is Aqila.
And I kinda hate everything right now.

I hate the fact I'm still here, at 12.08 am in my pyjamas and typing in my blog about my scattered pieces of mind.

I hate the fact I'm wishing somebody a good luck wish when he himself will never knows about it. Because I was mad at him and he was mad at me and we're mad at each other.

I always look at him since we're in high school and he never look at me since we're in high school and we're not looking at each other since high school.

I like him and he didn't like me and we didn't like each other.

If you're wondering how can a crush lasts for several years, you can always look at me. This is a type of person that is keras kepala enough to stick for one person after four years putting a hope and finally when she knew she was syok sendiri, she didn't pulled herself off.

Ada beza antara setia dan bodoh.

Bertahun-tahun aku pegang prinsip yang sama.
Selagi tak usaha sampai ke penghabisan, jangan berhenti. Jangan putus asa.

Orang kata kalau nakkan sesuatu, berusaha sampai dapat.
Sebab tanpa usaha, tak payah berangan jauh-jauh.

Aku, dah berusaha bertahun-tahun.
Orang cakap aku terkejar-kejar. Pipi tak mancung hidung tersorong-sorong.

Orang kata kalau suka, tunjukkan.

Dan disebabkan aku tak gemar bagitau depan-depan, aku tunjukkan melalui tulisan aku. Melalui setiap surat yang aku selitkan dalam hadiah hari lahir setiap tahun. Melalui perbualan berkaitan India yang aku bualkan kadang kala. Melalui puisi yang aku karang. Melalui random article dalam email yang aku hantar. Melalui lukisan-lukisan aku. Melalui kesanggupan aku turun ke India walaupun berjumpa tak sampai beberapa jam.

Melalui Anna.

Tebal muka tak usah cakap.
Aku bukanlah tak reti malu sampai buat semua benda tanpa berfikir.

Sebab bagi aku, tanpa usaha semuanya akan jadi sia-sia.
Cuma sekadar kata-kata.

Aku serius.
Dan disebabkan aku serius lah, aku pejamkan mata walaupun kadang rasa sedih itu dah tak tertahan.

Aku pun, manusia juga.
Aku ada hati dan perasaan.

Aku pun, tahu juga rasa malu dan kecewa.
Bila diri tak pernah ternampakkan oleh mata yang paling ingin aku lihat menoleh ke arah aku.

Aku pun, mahu juga disayangi sebegitu rupa.
Mahu juga merasa ada yang menunggu aku setiap kali aku kemana-mana.

Mahu juga menjadi salah satu puisi yang dikarang.
Mahu juga menjadi salah satu sebab seseorang itu berusaha.

Mahu juga menjadi seseorang yang didoakan.

Tapi itulah.
Aku dah berusaha. Dan perkara yang paling aku nak itulah yang aku tak pernah dapat.

Jul 6, 2014

Peak Of Faith 2014


Today was a good day. I'm blessed with the presence of three beautiful souls who accompanied me to Kuala Lumpur.

We're attending a talk programme held by Multiracial Reverted Muslims (MRM), which is Peak Of Faith : One God, But Why So Many Religions?

Truth to be told, this is my first time joining a programme like this.
I never had the chance to participate before, simply because last year I'm too busy keeping myself indoor and err, didn't quite socialized with people in my batch hehe. 

I don't know how to express myself, being in a place where you've been surrounded by muallaf (mostly Chinese) and your brain somehow light its bulb, telling you that you should be ashamed because they're so much better as Muslims compared to you.

As if I've wasted twenty years of my life knows nothing about the true meaning of Islam and how peaceful a person could be when he/she puts Allah in their heart. Solely.

Panels that were invited are Dr. Bilal Philips from Qatar and Syeikh Hussain Yee from Malaysia. Actually, 78% of Dr. Bilal's speech was filled with me trying to combat my scumbag sleepiness and slapping my own cheeks (asdfghjkl).

But thankfully I am fully awake when Syeikh Hussain Yee took the mic. Its not that I'm not interested in Dr. Bilal, its just me and my sleeping habit is way too irritating and I just can't help it. Really (hands down)!

Overall, the talk is a massive satisfaction for me.
I thank Allah for soften my heart to come here.

And since my mom is at IPG Kampus Bahasa Melayu KL, I was able to meet her even just for a while! I literally jump out of the car the moment I saw her outside the building.

After all the pain I've felt these past few days, I can't help myself but missing my mom so much up to one point I just don't have the heart to do anything.

Because my mom is my everything.

My guardian angel.
My sonata of the springfield.

This heart was filled with sadness and numbness.
This heart was torn apart and nothing I could do to heal it immediately.

And mom's hug, though didn't heal the pain, still enough to make me feel loved again. To know that I always have this one person who will always love me no matter how hard things could be.

And simply didn't shut me off.

On my way back to Ipoh, mom texted me with " My daughter is beautiful when she's smiling. "

Damn I can't wait for 11th of July.
I wish I could skip this whole week and forget everything.

And as I'm here, at 1.40 am wearing my pyjamas, I thank Allah for everything today. I thank Allah for every beautiful feelings I've felt today.

Thank you my Lord, for this beautiful friendship with Miera, Mak and Azwa.
Thank you my Lord, for my mom's warm hug and kisses.
Thank you my Lord, for delicious Wondermilk's butterscotch and cupcakes.

Thank you Ya Rabb.
For making me feel slightly better today.

How can I not be grateful and thankful?