Jul 20, 2014

Linkin Park (Dark)

Assalamualaikum.


I've put this blog into private mode so yeah, this is basically me typing a post with no one to read but me. Just want to spill out something here without being known.


I wasn't cured, yet. I'm still dealing with this pain of being turned down by the one I trusted so much. Every single things that passed through my eyes, my ears and even my thought will reminds me of this broken hands of mine. I'm still living in a confined wall that I built to keep everything away from me for a while.


Up till one point, I just don't have the heart to feel anymore.


I was mad. Insanely mad. I even cursed, a lot. I know, not a typical Aqila to curse upon something or hurling my anger. To say something like "Bodoh" pun I even shut myself off because I don't like to use any kinds of bad words. But here I am, shouting every curse that I ever knew, in my mind.


I was screaming and cursing and shouting.
Though not verbally from my mouth.


I have these anger and hatred and frustration and rage that constantly engulfing my silence. Even if someone accidentally irritated me, I'll feel like stabbing him billions of times. Say a word that is sensitive for me, and I'll feel like punching her up till one point she became like a rotten mango (oh J don't worry, not your kind of mango!)


But as usual. As typical Aqila always did.
She kept her mouth shut and swallow all the negative thoughts.


Nothing's wrong actually.
Its just that, this month is kinda tough for me to deal with.


I'm being extra emotional and couldn't handle my mind properly as I always did. I'm losing bits and bits of my inner spirit and I still need some times to regain myself back.


Its hard.


I'm having my End Of Module (EOM) examination for Gastrointestinal (GIT) module this Wednesday. Thanks for adding yourself to my God-knows-how-huge-and-overwhelming-pressure list. With my recent sleep pattern, good luck in studying dear me.


So basically I'll build a higher and thicker walls around me, to keep pace with my stress and my study. I need to get back my momentum in this study, I really do. I can't afford losing anything anymore, even my passion in medicine.   Big no.


Oh and I'm starting to dwell myself into Linkin Park recently. I usually go for A Rocket To The Moon, Mayday Parade, Lifehouse, Vampire Weekend and The Click Five but Roads Untraveled by Linkin Park kinda suits my mind right now.


Pray for my healing.
Oh, I forgot this is a private blog.


By the time you read this, it could be several days after I've posted this.
So yeah. Good luck Aqila.

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