Aug 19, 2014

Aug 18, 2014

Hari Kelahiran





Selamat hari lahir.


Kepada yang pertama aku lihat ketika melangkah masuk ke kelas pada 22 Mac 2010, hari aku mendaftar sebagai pelajar di sana.


Kepada wajah yang berpaling daripada aku ketika aku memerhatikan raut kesedihan yang ketara pada matanya suatu petang di dalam kelas.


Kepada yang pertama kalinya berbicara dengan aku sewaktu perbincangan kumpulan mentor-mentee Bahasa Melayu.


Kepada pemilik kasut yang aku dan Atin berkomplot bersama untuk sembunyikan jauh daripadanya.


Kepada yang membalas kembali dengan menyembunyikan telefon bimbit sewaktu aku pergi ke tandas dan langsung tidak pandai berpura-pura tidak bersalah.


Kepada penerima name tag meja besar yang aku tuliskan nama serta kelulusan universiti idaman sebagai tanda aku melihat akan cerahnya masa depan yang bakal dia miliki.


Kepada pemilik tangan yang menghulurkan tiga batang sate kepada aku yang kepenatan semasa jamuan raya.


Kepada nama yang buat pertama kalinya terlintas dalam kepala ketika Masyitah berkata "Kalau takde mood nak pergi kelas, cuba kau fikir ada tak sesiapa yang kau nak tengok kat sana?"


Kepada nama yang aku pangkah dengan sepenuh hati ketika memangkah untuk calon BWP 2010/2011.


Kepada senyuman paling girang sewaktu mendengar keputusan pemegang jawatan presiden BWP.


Kepada nama yang kedua aku lihat selepas nama sendiri ketika menyemak ranking peperiksaan setiap kali keputusan diumumkan.


Kepada buku-buku basah dan meja yang dikemas selepas tingkap terbuka ketika hujan beserta nota "Lain kali jangan lupa tutup tingkap."


Kepada nombor yang pertama kali didail semasa Minggu Bahasa MRSM Zon Barat 2011.


Kepada rakaman sajak yang sehingga kini masih disimpan di dalam pemain MP3.


Kepada pemberi milo dan coklat semasa sama-sama menyaksikan pertandingan debat Minggu Bahasa MRSM Se-Malaysia 2011.


Kepada yang pernah bertanyakan "Aku dengar cerita kau menangis tadi, kenapa?" dalam kiriman mesej.


Kepada puisi yang ditulis dalam jurnal Bahasa Inggeris walaupun berisiko untuk dimarahi oleh Miss Zahurin kerana lari daripada tajuk.


Kepada friend request kedua yang dihantar selepas pertama kali mendaftar untuk akaun Facebook.


Kepada setiap lauk dan kuih muih yang dibeli untuk dibuat juadah berbuka puasa dengan alasan "Hari ini lauk ikan, tak kenyang. Tolong belikan?"


Kepada yang sentiasa membelikan kuih badak berendam dan mee rebus yang tanpa disedari menjadi kegemaran sehingga kini.


Kepada button badge yang diterima sebagai hadiah graduasi.


Kepada meja yang sentiasa dilihat ketika berada di dalam dewan peperiksaan.


Kepada nama yang sentiasa berada dalam fikiran ketika hari terakhir persekolahan, dan nama yang tertulis pada sekeping nota bersama bingkai gambar yang aku beri sebagai tanda ingatan.


Selamat hari lahir.


Aku catatkan segala yang berlaku semasa dua tahun persekolahan, kerana selepas berakhirnya hari-hari kita di sana, baru aku kenal dan belajar betapa sesuatu yang indah pun boleh membawa kesedihan yang tak bersudut.


Segala yang berlaku sepanjang dua tahun itu tidak pernah aku lupa. Aku jadikan setiap satu peristiwa itu sebagai penyembuh luka yang masih berbisa - Betapa suatu masa dahulu aku pernah menyukai seseorang dengan sepenuh perasaan jujur dan girang.


Bersama-sama waktu, aku melukis sebuah kisah jujur yang tidak pernah aku rancang pengakhirannya.


Kerana dua tahun selepas berakhirnya zaman persekolahan, masih aku ingat setiap satu raut muka dan detak jantung tiap kali apa-apa yang berkaitan dengan engkau muncul.


Bersama-sama waktu juga, aku membesar dan berusaha menjadi lebih baik - Kerana apa yang aku mahu hanyalah untuk berdiri pada taraf yang sama seperti engkau. 


Engkau yang aku kira, bintang utara untuk aku yang mencari tuju.


Selamat hari lahir, engkau yang merantau jauh di tanah Gandhi.


Selamat menempuh segala angin dan lubang yang Dia hidangkan. Selamat menjalani kehidupan yang lebih baik. Selamat mencari bahagia yang pasti. Selamat menjadi bintang utara kepada sekalian manusia yang mencari secebis kebaikan dalam dunia yang penuh kesedihan.


Selamat hari lahir.
Sebagaimana yang selalu engkau katakan, aku juga mengharapkan yang terbaik untuk hari esok.


Aug 14, 2014

Seeking For A Help (Dark)


I've been experiencing this constant dull pain on my lower right abdomen since these past few weeks, and the pain become more sharp and intense whenever I laughed or doing any excessive body movement.


At first, I thought of appendicitis or something related to that area.


I went to UniKL RCMP Medical Centre and Dr Davinder gave me a dozen of painkillers, which I found as not working since the pain got worsen few hours after I took it.


My parents urged me to come home and last night, I took a super slowly moving bus from Ipoh to Klang. I reached home at 1 am and dad drove me to KPJ Selangor.


It turned out that instead of appendicitis, I was diagnosed of having quite serious urinary tract infection. So yeah, say hello for a vacation at KPJ's ward.


I'm quite uncomfortable of leaving my two days lectures and tutorials, but then I guessed its better for me to be here rather than Ipoh. I'm willing to give anything just to stay away from that place for a while. Or maybe forever, I dunno.


I have nothing there but sadness and hopeless.


Last night, I took a glance at Dr Aidilnurul Fareeda and wondering how does it feels to survive her medical years. I stared at her long enough until she finally asked me "What's wrong, dear?" 


I said nothing and gave her my weak smile.


Words got stucked in my lungs. I can't afford to say anything when the only thing that I want to do the most is seeking for help.


I have a severe depression.
I've been doing lots of online questionarre and all the answer are just the same : You're in a phase of severe depression and please seek for help immediately.


But.. Where should I go?


I've read somewhere that some of the solutions are surrounding myself with a bunch of friends so that they could provide me with support and advice whenever I need it the most. Another solution is to talk to someone who understands. And then, medication. 


I have no one here at Ipoh.
Even my own housemates never care whether I'm at home or not (except for J and M). Today is just one of the examples of their ignorance towards me. Nobody bothers to ask me why I took a late night bus and went to my hometown..


And nobody even ask me where am I right now.


I guessed everyone here hates me and I'm just a piece of shit in their eyes. Though I never knew where did I got wrong until nobody ever see me.


I'm not a metaphor..
And I'm not a visible light that you encountered everyday but invisible in presence..


For once, I just want to be noticed. And appreciated.


I never betrayed any of my friends. I never put a grudge on anyone. I never abandoned someone who needs me. I never scold or shout or curse anyone. I did my best to spread the positivity, kindness, happiness and care for my friends.


But then, I guessed I wasn't worth anything.
I was meant to be invisible. To be thrown away whenever I'm not needed.


I don't want to go back to Ipoh.
Everyday, I woke up feeling like shit and wanting the world to straight away end.


I'm hopeless, helpless and worthless.
Please, anybody. Tell me where to seek for a help..

Aug 12, 2014

The Clock Is Ticking (Dark)


Dear Dilla, if only we could turn back the time..


All I ever want is for you to be here with me. Together, both of us could reach the sky and count the stars. I'll be there for you through anything that came between our paths and I knew, you'll definitely be there for me too.


Dear Dilla, I never knew how painful it is to be alone. To have no one cares for you. To have everyone left you behind. 


But now I do..


I'm living in a world where all of us only care about our own life and nobody bothers to ask someone "Are you okay?"


But then I guessed, thats the way medical students live.


Aku bersyukur apa adanya dengan rezeki meneruskan juang dalam bidang perubatan, kerana salah satu nawaitu aku untuk terus bertahan dalam bidang ini adalah demi janji yang pernah aku buat bersama Dilla.


Tapi setiap apa yang Dia beri, pasti ada yang Dia ambil.
Entahlah. Sejak dulu lagi aku sering diuji sebegini.


Aku berjaya menggapai cita-cita untuk menjadi pelajar perubatan, tetapi aku terpaksa bersendirian meneruskan kehidupan disini kerana aku ketiadaan sesiapa untuk menjadi sahabat.


Setiap malam sebelum tidur, apa yang paling aku inginkan adalah seseorang untuk aku ucapkan "Selamat malam, tidur dulu!" dan bergelak ketawa sesama sendiri.


Aku sudah tidak punya apa-apa dan sesiapa selain keluarga dan Dilla.


I put all the blame on me.
I wasn't worth anything.


I've heard about Robin William's death due to suicide this morning.
I'm afraid my time will come.


The only difference is, his name is now scattered all over the world but my death will only be mourned by my family, and maybe Dilla.


I saw nothing but darkness.
My soul is as black as my heart.

Aug 11, 2014

Aqila And Froggy


The only kind of animals I'm afraid in this world is anything that belongs to the class of Nematode, Trematode and Cestode. That's all.


(Well I'm not afraid of tiger or lion but if they're right in front if me SURELY as any normal human being, I'll run away at the speed of 180 km/h)


I remember during one of my lab practical of Biology at PASUM, we used to play with frogs to see their reflex action or something like that. I can't quite figure out exactly the type of experiment we did. But one thing for sure, we somehow was instructed to 'torture' the frog by swiping acid at its leg and then puncture it's brain :'(


I was never afraid of frog or even blood.
But the moment I punctured it's brain with needle, my heartbeat dropped at its lowest level and I got this cold sensation all around my hands and feet.


All I can remember was my friends told me to sit down as they saw how pale my face was, Din asked me with curiosity "Qila whats wrong with you?" and fifteen seconds later, I clinged on Miera's shoulder before everything turned dark and black.


Yeah I basically fainted after committing a sadistic murder of a frog.
Blame the Biology practical's instructions.


Up till now, I wonder how can I blacked out just by killing a frog.
I used to dissect a mice and I was okay with it.


(Well I actually cried in my sleep the night after we did that in laboratory)


I guessed I can't stand to hurt or torture any kind of living things, even for educational purpose. I can still remember how the frog struggled itself when we placed the acid at its feet, and how finally it remained in silence after we punctured its brain.


I'm so sorry, froggy.
May you rest in peace.


But then I discovered I had developed this one kind of inner terror when it cames to hurting animals. I can't bear to hear the story of how a cat was being kicked until its death. How a dog was being enslaved. How a mice was raised to be a subject of cosmetic test.


I can't even imagine the thought of me experimenting with frogs again.


Ironically, now I'm sitting in a library and fifteen minutes from now I'll be having a Physiology practical session where we need to use FROGS.


Just by looking at the practical manual and now the nausea kicked me in.
I felt the irritating sensation of wanting to vomit.


Please, no more episodes of torturing a frog.
Please, no more killing or hurting or poking or puncturing.



I don't know how to hide this face if I happen to be fainted right in front of 30 students again.


#prayforaqila #prayforfroggy


UPDATED ON 6.20 PM


I ignored my ice cold hands and feet.
The moment they asked us to take the frog and punctured its brain, I quickly stand forward and basically just did it with my trembling hands and my mouth whispering with zikir for that frog.


The frog is as big as the palm of my hand.
And it was stubborn too.


Because I need to puncture its brain and crushed it over and over again, since its too big and refused to die. 


Even after we shed the skin from its abdomen, it still moved and struggling to let itself out of my hands. 


I pray hard for it to die quickly.
I can't stand to see how painful it is to die with all those kind of tortures.


Dr Noorzaid seemed to understand and he told us to respect and treat the frog with care, since we sacraficed it for our learning purpose. God knows how I wish I could smacked the frog's head with hammer so that it will just die, and do not need to feel all those pain.


Even when we cut the muscle from its leg, it still moving..


For the next two hours, I continuously told myself to calm down and do not let the emotion and fear controlling my mind. I proceed with the experiment to see how muscle contraction will respond to external stimulus and trying my best to let go the guilty feeling of killing a frog.


May you die in peace, froggy.
I'm sorry I couldn't end your suffer as early as I could.


Well somebody might considered this as a piece if dust, but you really need to respect the subject you used as a learning tool. No matter what kind of animals you used, remember not to kill it with ignorance.


I'm not against animal testing for educational purpose, but there are some limits and guidance that you should follow. Treat them with care. Respect their death. Do not see them as a piece of shit that you can do whatever you wanted to.


Because every life is precious, no matter how small the size is.


Thank you froggy.
And Aqila, well done for not letting the fear engulfing your mind.

Aug 8, 2014

Just Ignore (Dark)

I know its stupid.


But I tend to get a lil bit of jealous whenever any acquaintances of mine became friends with any of my best friends. When somebody whom is a friend of mine get to know my best friend and somehow get into our little friendship.


The situation is more or less like this :
A and I, we've been friends for a long time and I love A. A is my best friend and B is my friend, but not too close. I introduced A to B and somehow they became friends. Up till one point, sometimes I get left behind in our friendship..


Yeah I know its stupid.
What a childish thinking.


But after being stabbed and left behind by bunch of people whom I trust, I can't afford to lose any of my truly best friends. The circle slowly became smaller and smaller. The amount of people I really can get along with is becoming fewer and lesser.


I know my best friends are not mine to be claimed or protected, but yeah I can't help but feels like I've being left behind.


This is stupid.
I really need to stop controlling things that goes beyond my reach.


This world, and all the contents inside it are not mine to be claimed.
And all of us got our own rights to choose whatever we want.


No matter how sad it is, people can always choose.
And their choice is for us to respect, though it hurts.


This is just a stupid thought of silly little me.
Ignore everything.

Aug 7, 2014

Changing





From contact lenses to spectacles.
From ballerina flats to Converse sneakers.


Because this world was not meant to be fixed.
To be rigid.


Sometimes, a rude awakening which forces you to get out of your normal routine and comfort zone could lead you to somewhere else.


Somewhere better.


Done with my anger and depression phase.
Now it came to acceptance phase.


I'm healing.
Maybe it'll took some times, but I'm trying bits by bits.


Its gonna be alright.
I'm a big girl. And I can take care of myself well.

Aug 6, 2014

Sama-Sama Gila (Dark)


I turned on my phone and received lots of messages from my friends regarding their invitation for attending an open house at my old friend Janah. Considering my schedule, I can't afford to attend any of it.


Just when I wanted to off my phone, one message from an unknown number entered my inbox.


I read it.
I downloaded the song.
I listened to it.
And I shut off my phone.


Got myself a terrible and massive headache, I took a huge sip of painkiller and drifted back for a deep long sleep.


As usual, all those past haunted my dream and I woke up, drenched in sweat. I took sedatives as one of my medications list these past few weeks to eradicate my insomniac problems. Its promethazine actually, which act as antiemetics. But it helps me to sleep, so I took it. Two pills and off to sleep I go.


Last thing I remember before my eyes shut off, was me holding my phone and typing something.


At 4 am in the morning, I woke up to see my involuntary action of typing a message without my fully conscious mind and it nearly took out my heartbeat.


Syifa was right.
This sadness is engulfing me up till one point, memakan diri.


I don't even care for myself anyway.
Because I've lost the girl I used to be.


Ya aku tahu.
Lemah. Lembik. Patah semangat. Chicken.
Even ada je kawan yang baca blog ini dan panggil aku gila.


Do I even care?
You never there for me in my best or worst state anyway.


Kesedihan ini bukan berpunca daripada kematian David seorang dalam hidup aku.


Kesedihan ini merupakan semua yang tersimpan dan terkumpul bertahun-tahun sejak aku kecil. Semua yang aku simpan sendiri walaupun daripada kawan baik 13 tahun lamanya. Aku sudah melihat kematian depan mata sendiri. Apa yang paling aku sayang pernah dirampas dan ditarik pergi. Pengkhianatan.


Segala yang tersimpan hatta daripada pengetahuan keluarga sendiri.


Manusia yang tidak pernah jemu dengan semua kekarutan dan sisi gelap aku hanyalah mama. Dan juga David, yang pertama kali aku lihat sebagai satu eskapisme. Sebagai cahaya yang tidak pernah aku jumpa dalam diri sesiapa pun.


Cahaya yang menjadi bintang utara untuk aku menuju hari esok yang mungkin lebih terang berbanding siapa aku di masa lalu. Cahaya yang menjanjikan harapan bahawa setiap manusia berhak untuk merasai bahagia dan pengisian ruang kosong yang sudah lama terbiar.


Dan kerana itulah ketika aku dikhianati sebegitu rupa, aku melihat segala harapan di hadapan mata hancur berkecai dan berderai tak berbunyi.


Segala yang aku ceritakan kepada sesiapa hanyalah separuh daripada apa yang pernah aku alami dan rasai. Hanya sebahagian. Untuk keluarga sendiri dan hatta mama sekalipun aku masih tidak mahu menceritakan semuanya.


Bukan tidak mampu. Memang tidak mahu.


Untuk apa aku ceritakan semuanya pada manusia?
Untuk dijaja kesana sini?


Nah.
Jika selepas ini kau panggil aku gila lagi, akan aku ceritakan semuanya khas untuk kau seorang. 


Kerana selepas itu, mungkin kau akan lebih gila berbanding aku.



**********


" Hafiz - Matahari."


Mesej itu tidak diketahui pengirimnya kerana tidak ada dalam simpanan telefon. Tapi hanya seorang saja yang akan sampaikan lagu dalam cara sebegitu.


Lagu itu, sedap juga.


Aug 5, 2014

Now And Later (Dark)


I tend to write more when I'm in a deep sadness.


So basically the idea of me writing in this site for almost every day I guess, is not to tell the world about my life journey (if only I still have one) or my not-so-happy faith of love. 


I am writing all these so that whenever the dark days went away and the light strikes my day, I will remember who I once was and how I survived all those tough episodes.


I want to reread all the words that came from this emotionally damaged soul. I want to embrace every tears and pains that came across my path, for my journey of finding my own happiness will never end.


Someday - Or perhaps several years from now, I want to read back all the words that was written here. 


For who I once was and who I will become, I will never deny my past, regardless how dark it seems to be.


Now, the sun is hiding.
Thunders and rains pouring my days.


Now, I am struggling with my inner fighter.
Hopes, dreams and motivations seems so far away.


Now, this world is nothing but a mess.
Flowers didn't bloomed. Leaves fall down to the earth.


Now, I saw nothing but darkness.


But darkness was not meant to be forever.
I wasn't worth the sad ending.

Dead Man Walking (Dark)


I was sitting in the library.


Far away at a corner where people couldn't see me.
As I am holding a book by Mitch Albom, Nad came to me and sat on the table in front of me.


Few minutes later, she was crying.
And all I can do is passively looking at her while trying to spill out every blank words that got stucked in my head.


I knew how painful it is for Nad.
To bear the emotional burden of getting turned down by the one you trusted so much. To let go of the happiness that you've placed in someone's shoulder.


And to walk on with the pieces of a broken heart.


When finally Nad uttered those words, I looked at her.
Blankly. Emotionless.


"Qila, how I wish I could switch my place with you. You can face this thing better than me."


My lovely Nad, I couldn't.
You think I could, but the fact is I am much more damaged on the inside.


You wouldn't want to switch your place with me, Nad.
You will never want to be me.


Because I myself, no more acknowledge my existence in this world either.


I am literally a dead man walking. A living skeleton.
Anything but a body with a soul.

Aug 2, 2014

Emptiness (Dark)


Why does it got to go from good to gone?


All I want is for someone to listen. Just listen.
It doesn't matter the craps that goes out of my mouth.
Just listen, will ya?


I know some of the things that I did was wrong.
I know sometimes I could be so weak and vulnerable.
I know, at one point I will do the stupidest thing and all people wanted to do is to slap me hard.
I know.


But for once, can you please just listen?
Because that's all I ever wanted to right now.


I used to have someone who listens without judging me 'weak' or 'too soon to give up'.
But now everyone's gone.


I'm thinking to consult a doctor for my antidepressant prescriptions.


Because I keep on hallucinating things that I've lost.
Hanafi, my past, and all my friends. Including my own self.


I can't even differentiate which one is reality and fantasy anymore.
Sometimes I wish everything could be turned down and shut off for a while, so I will never get left behind while this world keeps on spinning.


I remember how I used to cut my wrist back then. 
To forget the emotional pain and replace it with physical pain.