Aug 14, 2014

Seeking For A Help (Dark)


I've been experiencing this constant dull pain on my lower right abdomen since these past few weeks, and the pain become more sharp and intense whenever I laughed or doing any excessive body movement.


At first, I thought of appendicitis or something related to that area.


I went to UniKL RCMP Medical Centre and Dr Davinder gave me a dozen of painkillers, which I found as not working since the pain got worsen few hours after I took it.


My parents urged me to come home and last night, I took a super slowly moving bus from Ipoh to Klang. I reached home at 1 am and dad drove me to KPJ Selangor.


It turned out that instead of appendicitis, I was diagnosed of having quite serious urinary tract infection. So yeah, say hello for a vacation at KPJ's ward.


I'm quite uncomfortable of leaving my two days lectures and tutorials, but then I guessed its better for me to be here rather than Ipoh. I'm willing to give anything just to stay away from that place for a while. Or maybe forever, I dunno.


I have nothing there but sadness and hopeless.


Last night, I took a glance at Dr Aidilnurul Fareeda and wondering how does it feels to survive her medical years. I stared at her long enough until she finally asked me "What's wrong, dear?" 


I said nothing and gave her my weak smile.


Words got stucked in my lungs. I can't afford to say anything when the only thing that I want to do the most is seeking for help.


I have a severe depression.
I've been doing lots of online questionarre and all the answer are just the same : You're in a phase of severe depression and please seek for help immediately.


But.. Where should I go?


I've read somewhere that some of the solutions are surrounding myself with a bunch of friends so that they could provide me with support and advice whenever I need it the most. Another solution is to talk to someone who understands. And then, medication. 


I have no one here at Ipoh.
Even my own housemates never care whether I'm at home or not (except for J and M). Today is just one of the examples of their ignorance towards me. Nobody bothers to ask me why I took a late night bus and went to my hometown..


And nobody even ask me where am I right now.


I guessed everyone here hates me and I'm just a piece of shit in their eyes. Though I never knew where did I got wrong until nobody ever see me.


I'm not a metaphor..
And I'm not a visible light that you encountered everyday but invisible in presence..


For once, I just want to be noticed. And appreciated.


I never betrayed any of my friends. I never put a grudge on anyone. I never abandoned someone who needs me. I never scold or shout or curse anyone. I did my best to spread the positivity, kindness, happiness and care for my friends.


But then, I guessed I wasn't worth anything.
I was meant to be invisible. To be thrown away whenever I'm not needed.


I don't want to go back to Ipoh.
Everyday, I woke up feeling like shit and wanting the world to straight away end.


I'm hopeless, helpless and worthless.
Please, anybody. Tell me where to seek for a help..

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