Dec 31, 2016

Hello 2017

Let 2017 be the year you will let go.

The year you will let life be what it is designed to be.
Let go of every expectation, of every undying plan – and just let it be.
Let go of the unshakeable desire to achieve life in perfect detail of how you want it to be and just be able to allow it for what it is.

Let 2017 be the year you will learn the real concept of acceptance.

The year you will have the heart to accept that the reality of life will be totally different from what you foresee.

Accept every failure, every loss, every negative circumstance, every struggle, every heartache, and every tear.

Let this upcoming year be the year we will accept that life can be harsh, can be kind, but above all can be real.

Let this year be a year of acceptance of every single pain, and knowing that every single moment that will happen will be in accordance and in purpose of making us better versions of who we are.

Let 2017 be the year you will take it easy on people, on things.

The year you will lose all kinds of expectation from people and just grant them the freedom to be who they are and who they want to be.

Permit them the space to grow, to find themselves, to discover their passion, their people and their places here on Earth.

Let this be the year you will have the heart to understand that people grow at different pace, people grow apart, and that you cannot keep them forever.

Let this year give you the grace to comprehend completely that these things happen and it’s out of your control. The only control you have is over detaching yourself from people, even the closest to your soul.

Let this be the year you will realize that we all need time on our own, away from certain people, certain places and certain things.

Let 2017 be the year you will dwell on the beauty of self-discovery.

The year you will come to meet the new and improved you.

The year you will create new things, explore new passions, visit places you never thought of visiting.

The year you will remain in the things that excite you and fire up every cell in your body.

The year you will finally live.

Fearless in the pursuit of what ignites your heart.
Not frightened on new possibilities, on new opportunities.
Brave enough to risk and take a leap bigger than you, resilient enough to welcome major changes. Looking positively to the things that may happen.

Let 2017 be the year you will fall in love with yourself.

The year you will come to know the things you like, the things you dislike and being perfectly okay with it.

The year you will learn more about yourself, about your flaws and shortcomings and be able to have a heart big enough to accept all of you and have the courage and the strength to love it for all of what it is.

The year you will embrace your imperfections and realize that these are all the parts that makes you uniquely beautiful.

Let 2017 be simply the year you will work hard to love yourself, truly.

Let 2017 be the year you will open your eyes to the richness of life and of people.

The year you will treasure life despite all of its awful parts, depressing moments and horrible situations.

The year you will be certain that without all these, life will never be the same and life will never be this great, amazing learning adventure.

Without all these, life will definitely be incomplete.

Let this year be the year you will cherish the goodness in other people despite their flaws and imperfections.

The year you will look deeper, deeper enough to see the goodness in them, the things that are admirable, the things that are out of the kindness of their heart.

Let it be the year you will assuredly appreciate them for the times they tried, the times they did their best; the year you will get a grasp of the fact that they are enough even though they fall short of your expectations, they are sufficient even though they can’t fulfill your desires, that they are at their best version and you are just blinded by your expectations to honor it.

Let this year be the year you will veritably recognize the things they do for you, the qualities that make them incredible and just love them for their humanity and softness.

Let 2017 be the year that you will be compassionate and delicate to everyone you meet.

The year you will completely comprehend that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

A battle that is altogether hard and painful.

The year you have to be mindful on the struggles of other people; that you are not the only person on Earth that is in need of a friend.

Let it be the year you will ask “How are you? I hope you’re doing well” instead of expecting and waiting around people to ask how you are.

Let this year be the year you will be able to understand that they have needs like you, they have priorities, they have problems; may we understand that our job is to be present, and be there for them instead of always being the one they need to attend to; let us be the ones to attend to them.

Let this year be the year you will truly love, love to the point that you will be selfless enough to put the needs of others above yours, for the first time.

Let 2017 be the year you will finally heal.

The year you will rise above every heartache, sorrow and loss.
The year you will mend every battle scar and open wound.

The year you will gather all the broken pieces of your heart, of your soul, of your life, putting them altogether and bandaging every crack, until it becomes whole again.

Let this be the year you will realize that it’s okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, but it’s not okay to stay like that forever.

Let this year be a year of hope, assurances that there will be better days for you, that there is a joy set before you, after all these mourning.

That the sun will rise and the storm will cease, and the aftermath will not be as messy as the calamity but it will be beautiful, it will be a glorious.

Let this year be the year you will realize that the ruins are magnificent.
Let this year be a year of utter healing.
Healing over every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering.

A year of regaining all the lost strength and courage, a year of admittance – that we are broken, that we need healing.

A year of just taking your time to heal, no matter how slow, as long as you are healing

 A year you will no longer fake strength; but just be honest with what’s going on inside you.

Let this year be the year you will be whole, again.

Let 2017 be the year you will redeem yourself.

The year you will recover from everything that damaged you in the past; from every defeat, every pang of pain, every wave of weeping, every single thing that wrecked you.

Let this be a magical year where you will reclaim yourself and wind up above all these things.

Let this year be the year you will boldly walk on waters.

Knowing who you are and what you’re made of.

Defying all kinds of limits and overcoming whatever life will throw at you.

Let 2017 be the year you will realize that you are created to survive.

Dec 30, 2016

Modern Keyboard Warrior


Time changed, and so does technology.

Nowadays we have smartphone, smartwatch, touchscreen tablet, food processor and also oval kabuki brush for makeup application, which I considered as the greatest invention in the history of cosmetics. Ever. Oh and genius people who came with the idea of contouring plus highlighting technique too. HANDS OFF.

People even discovered the science of genetically engineered immune cells for treatment of cancer patients, SolarCity's Gigafactory that produce a gigawatt of high efficiency solar panels per year and recently, I came across an article of Tesla autopilot - a software update that suddenly made autonomous driving a reality we always dreamed of!

So much for millennium century wow.

But I'm not gonna write about all the high-tech stuffs most of us probably wouldn't afford even if we worked our ass off. Well except for Apple products maybe. (And I'm one of those minor population who couldn't afford any Apple products. And perhaps didn't want to. I'm just a sucker for smartphones).

Okay back to the game.
Today's topic is about a major social problem we all faced nowadays.

Keyboard Warrior.

The mightiest of all kind of superheroes. The cold-hearted, insanely powerful with typed speech, high sense of self-confidence and that infinite sense of I'm-Always-Right.

Precisely someone who, emboldened by the security of their bedroom/safe place away from harm, feels the need to post generally unnecessary negative rubbish on social media when they would never say such things to someone's face.

I repeat,

I believe at least once, we all have encountered this kind of people. Unfortunately I saw this negativity on my social media for almost every single day alive.

I just don't get it. If you get offended or angry or simply just annoyed with someone, why can't you have a two-way communication with the involved party? Why make such scene where you posted it in social media just to unleash that emotions in you and letting everyone know about shits you're dealing with?

It doesn't bring you any good thou.
Problems remained unsolved, and in fact, you're basically displaying your immaturity in handling problems.

And how shameful it is, letting people saw the true color of you - COWARD.
Hiding behind words.

Problems will always go hand in hand with solutions.
And by finding solutions when dealing with people, communication is always the key.

But no. Keyboard warrior chose to write recklessly on social media, ranting about how unsatisfied they are with particular person so that the other party would felt offended, knowing someone wrote about them.

I gave you an example for easy understanding.

A has a problem with B.
A write on social media about B, indirectly describing things without mentioning B's name (in some case, they would).
B read it and felt offended.
B write on social media about A too.

Did they solve their problems? No.
Did they bring any good to each other? No.
Did they publicly displayed their stupidity? YES.

Back then when we have limited access to internet, people actually TALK. They communicate. They solve issues. They deal with problems in the right way.

I'm not blaming the expanding technology of communication network, but somehow it does contribute to today's problem. People misused their freedom of speech. Fame, being a public figure and seeking for attention have been the new goal and preferences.

I'm writing this because I'm so tired of seeing people bashing each other in social media but when they have the opportunity to deal with it directly face-to-face, they simply didn't want to.

To all of you who may encountered this writing of mine and happened to be one of the social media's public shaming victims, remember this -

It reflects their attitude, not yours.

Don't make any counterattack by writing more negative stuffs about them, because in that way you're no different at all. Be smart, be mature. Communicate with them personally (directly or via private messenger) and solve the issue. If apologizing could make things better, just do it, even when its not your fault to begin with. Believe me. You're not weak just because you say sorry, you're strong and mature and wise and you simply do yourself a favor by creating peace. Its not a game of who's right and who's wrong. Keep this in mind, intelligent people wouldn't be bothered by childish shits.

And to all of you keyboard warrior, grow up.
Stop showing your stupidity and immaturity.
We all hate you.

This ugly world filled with corruptions and cruelty doesn't need you to make it any uglier.

Dec 18, 2016

Dear God, Thank You

Thank you for this heart.

For this little muscle beating inside my chest. Thank you for its resilience, for its strength. Thank you for helping it beat, through every Stairmaster workout, through every terrifying scene in a scary movie, through every kiss, through every morning when I was so so tired, and didn’t want to face the world. Thank you for giving me physical strength—to overcome obstacles, to push myself, to never quit. Thank you for my emotional strength—to let people in, to forgive, to share love with others. Sometimes I forget how amazing this muscle is, bringing oxygen to my body, keeping me alive, reminding me that even in my humanness, I am powerful. And helping me to love, and keep on loving. So thank you.

Thank you for my hands.

Hands to touch, to hold, to hug, to cherish. Thank you for the times my parents have held my hands in theirs, for the times I could brush my brother’s hair, or throw a ball, or reach across a quiet space and place a palm on the cheek of a lover. Thank you for the ways my hands have healed, for the ways my hands have learned, for the ways my hands have connected with other hands, and made me see beauty in imperfection.

Thank you for love.

For the capacity to feel, to open, to give. For the ways You have shown me love and given me love from the people around me. Thank you for my family, my friends, my coworkers, for strangers, for lovers. Thank you for the times You have shown my heart what it feels like to be cared for. Thank you for teaching me how to give myself, fully, to others.

Thank you for the pain.

Thank you for all the nights my tears blended with the shower water, the nights I didn’t think I’d get over him or when I felt so misunderstood. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, terrified of where I would go to college, or if I would do well on a test, or if my words could actually mean anything. Thank you for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in You.

Thank you for the lonely nights.

The nights I stayed up late, watching headlights dance across my bedroom window or the stars flickering somewhere off in the distance. Thank you for showing me how to heal and how to be on my own. Thank you for building my strength, day by day, even when I felt I was only getting weaker. Thank you for reminding me that emptiness is temporary, and that I can always be filled in with Your love.

Thank you for the ones that left.

At the time their leaving felt like a betrayal, and I thought You had turned your back on me. But You were showing me who was temporary, and who was there to stay. You were showing me that I cannot put my faith in people, cannot depend on them for the source of my happiness, but can instead must lean on You. And You won’t leave. Thank you for never leaving, and promising to stay by my side forever.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with You on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For Your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed.

For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for reminding me that I am Yours, forever. And that I am loved. Thank you for staying when the world turned its back. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how harsh this life gets, You will always be here.

Thank you for forgiveness.

For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you, God.
Thank you for hope. 

Dec 15, 2016

How To Deal With Shits

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Writing this with full of rage, hoping that it could calm the fire inside me. Because literally I would scream my heart out upon how shitty this day has been so far.

So, how do we basically deal with shits?

There's just one keyword for the entire steps :

Identify the causative agent. What is it that's stressing you out. How and why it disturbs you. Identify with a clear mind so that your rage or anger or disappointment wouldn't interfere with your rationality.

Put it into two categories - i) Can you solve it? ii) Or can't?

If it belongs to option i), roughly plan on how to solve it even if its not gonna be immediately. If it belongs to option ii), you just have to deal with fact that some things were going to be beyond your reach and there's nothing you could do but let time decides.

Don't be an asshole a jerk. I repeat, don't be a jerk. Never ever take any actions without thinking the consequences. Believe me I did that a lot and it left me nothing but regret.

If you can't control your mouth, say nothing and just shut up. If you can't control your attitude, go away and be alone for some time. It helps you from causing damage or spreading more shittiness on others (especially to people who got nothing to do with things happened to you).

Take as much time as you need to accept that shit. Its neither a crime nor abnormality. At some point in our life, we'll have to deal with something that goes beyond our hands anyway. So embrace that shit and come back stronger!

There's plenty of methods on how to deal with shits (okay I've wrote this word countless of times already) but fret not this is just my own point of view, how I basically did. I'm still learning to put more maturity (?) on my coping mechanism and hopefully I'll be able to feel less stressed out after this.

So take a deep breath and chill.
*sips Milo while watching The Duff*
Image result for sassy tumblr

Dec 10, 2016

Suck The Poison Out


Hands up for Mean Girls! One of the best chick-lit movie I've ever seen in my life (thou I don't really fancy Lindsay Lohan, I think she portrayed both the innocent and high school hottie characters very well!)

Image result for mean girls

But this ain't a summary or review post.

There's one scene in this movie that strikes to the deep core of my heart, and although I've watched this movie over and over few years back, it gave a huge impact on my life recently.

When Cady's double life (the real and the fake one) finally hit her and everything turned against her, while quoting these words she finally tries to make things right, no matter how hard it is.

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out.
That's what I had to do, I had to suck all the poison out of my life."

I was so inspired with those words because apparently that is what I'm trying to do right now. I don't know how to spill this in a way that wouldn't offend anyone or making me look like a Miss Goody-goody when in reality, I'm far from good.

It started like this.

On previous posts, I keep on mentioning upon my chronic sense of emptiness. I keep on searching for ways to make me feel happy, to make me fell less empty but failed. Over and over, that blunt emotions strike and I was left with nothing but feeling more empty than ever.

One random evening, I was scrolling my Facebook timeline when someone shared an article titled "Bagaimana Mahu Menjadi Wanita Yang Paling Bahagia" I opened the link and read it, and suddenly, randomly, without any apparent reason, something hits me.

I want to be happy.
I want to be better.
I want to be a true Muslim woman.

I want to love Allah and I want Allah to love me.

All those words keep on repeating in my mind and I felt so sad, so weak and vulnerable but never been more real. I felt hope, I felt bright. I don't even know why and how but at that particular moment, I quickly get up and take wudhu and performing Maghrib prayer. Personally and truthfully, for me, I think that was the most beautiful prayer I've ever done since so long.

I felt connected.
Fragile, but stronger than ever.

That night, I poured my heart out on sajadah. I cried so much, and I told everything to Allah. With a solid faith, knowing He's the only one who heard me. The only one who understand me, the real me.

And from that moment I told myself, this is it. There's no going back. Whether I took this opportunity given by Him, or I'll risk myself losing it and never be able to find it again.

I went back to Malaysia to give myself time for reconnecting the dots, and I came back in plain piece of canvas.

The rest is history.

* * * * * * * * * *

But hijrah ain't easy.

I've been haunted by my previous mistakes. All those bad attitudes of me. And the thing that concerns me the most is..

Unsolved issues.

It freaks the hell out of me because by solving those issues, I must face people whom I accidentally hurt. I must confront them and reopen the page. I must go back to the chapters I've left behind and fix it.

I'm afraid, but I have to.

Just like Cady, I'm trying to suck the poison out of my life.
Slowly, one step at a time.

I hope even if it couldn't erase my mistakes, at least it could give me some peace. And although the damage couldn't be reversed, I sincerely wish and I promise - with all my heart, I'll try my best to make it right this time.

And if anybody happened to read this with unresolved issues between me and you, I'm asking you to come and talk to me. Reach me by, in case you haven't got my contact number. Please, help me. I need your forgiveness for me to forgive myself as well.

I'm not perfect and will never be.
But I'm trying to be the best version of me that I could ever be.

May Allah strengthen my heart to face everything.
And if it wasn't much for you, please pray for me too.

Dec 4, 2016

Selamat Datang Harapan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim dan assalamualaikum.

Aku pulang ke Malaysia seminggu, untuk mencari aku yang hilang. Entah kenapa apabila satu demi satu mendatangi, aku semakin letih dan terus menerus jatuh ke lubang paling hitam.

Selalu aku persoalkan mengapa Tuhan tidak pernah mengizinkan aku untuk merasa gembira dan bahagia yang memenuhi semua ruang kosong dalam hati. Selalu juga aku tertanya-tanya, mengapa aku kerap kali diuji dengan kehilangan, kekecewaan dan kesedihan yang sentiasa membunuh semua harapan.

Aku bagaikan bukan lagi aku, apabila hampir setiap malam meratapi semua kekosongan ini.

Bukan tidak pernah aku mencari Tuhan agar dihilangkan segala perasaan ini. Bukan tidak pernah aku bersujud dan melutut sesungguhnya agar diberi kekuatan untuk tidak lagi jatuh dalam neraka ciptaan sendiri. Berkali-kali, dan aku sentiasa berputus asa.

Setiap hari aku bangun dan pergi ke kelas dengan jiwa yang kosong. Setiap hari aku mengira dan menghitung semangat supaya masih cukup untuk bawa aku menghadapi satu lagi hari yang bakal datang. Aku sentiasa berhati-hati, supaya hati tidak lagi terusik dengan mana-mana perkara kecil yang bisa membuat pertimbangan aku hilang.

Dan aku mencari manusia yang aku percaya.
Hingga akhirnya sekali lagi aku kecewa kerana sekuat mana pergantungan itu, aku tetap luka.

Aku tahu sejauh mana aku berlari, realiti tetap sama. Tiada yang mampu membantu dan mengubah semua ini melainkan aku. Tetapi itu juga yang menakutkan, kerana aku sudah hilang percaya pada diri. Bagaimana mahu aku mengubah semua ini apabila diri aku sendiri mengkhianati aku?

Lalu akhirnya aku mencari Tuhan dengan sepenuh pengharapan.
Akhirnya aku mengalah. Aku berhenti berkeras hati dengan Dia.

Hari ini, aku masih belum berjumpa dengan ketenangan yang aku cari.
Tetapi kini aku tidak lagi takut. Aku tidak lagi sendiri.

Nov 20, 2016

Psychiatry and Red Velvet Cheesecake

Been studying like crazy for my Psychiatry End of Posting. Literally setiap hari stress bila teringat banyak tak baca lagi dan banyak LAGI yang dah baca tapi lupa.

I have a thing in Psychiatry but its hard to concentrate solely on interest when you've been pushed with thoughts like "I have to score my first Year Four exam!" and "I'm not a weak ass b* that abandoned my study for stupid little things!" and whenever I saw my friends having a question-answer session with me in the middle of the group feeling stupid and oh God why I didn't know this and that, it really really stressed me out!

I know it wasn't good since intelligence and knowledge shouldn't be measured by what grade you obtained on your exam, but I just couldn't help it. Expectations, self-achieve pleasures and so on. Being a fourth year medical student with inadequate knowledge and fear of not competent enough after graduation is suck. The struggle is real!

Promised myself that I'm gonna sort out my priorities and soul-searching once the exam's finished. Pinky swear.

As for now, I just wanted to do my best and nailed it!!

It was one fine Sunday when I was studying at my floor with books spreading all over me.

Kelaparan, I grabbed my phone and ordered a slice of chocolate cake from Fresh Menu (since I need enough glucose to make me awake and energetic but not too heavy, or else I'll definitely fall asleep). 30 minutes later the delivery guy came and I ate my cake happily.

I continued my reading when there's a ring on my house door, saying a delivery from Fresh Menu is here. I got confused a lil bit because I already got my delivery just now, so I thought its just an error from the system and told the delivery guy I didn't ordered it twice.

I went back inside my room and chilling for a minute or two when I got a video call from (insert sweet name here).

"Dapat tak?"

Oh noooooooooooo turned out the second delivery was from him! He didn't know I already ordered Fresh Menu and I didn't know he's going to surprise me for it too! Patutnya aku terima je delivery tadi tanpa banyak soal hmfshklaksgdtkmmphs.

Maka haruslah seorang Aqila meroyan kerana jarang sekali surprise begini akan diterima ya.

I quickly menggelabah and he laughed, saying its okay. He called the delivery centre and here I am, eating my favorite red velvet cheesecake in a jar with big smile on my face :))))))

Terima kasih. Benda kecil tapi bahagia rasa.

* * * * * * * * * *

Sesuka hati conteng buku orang eh.

Nov 17, 2016

To-Do List

18 Things To Start Doing Now

1. Be friends with different types of people. Don’t insulate your worldview by only socializing with those who are fundamentally the same as you.

2. Read. Do you know how few people are reading anything other than a few lines of an article here and there? Few. Do you know why it matters? Because a book you read in a few days this week can change the way you think about something for decades to come.

3. Question yourself, and honor your doubt. People who aren’t secure enough to do this stagnate.

4. Be willing to live the way other people won’t, so you can live the way other people can’t.

5. Learn how to cook things you enjoy more than you enjoy ordering out.

6. Learn how to budget your money in a way that makes you feel responsible and liberated, not restricted.

7. Put away a bit of money each month, however much you can afford (and don’t worry if there are setbacks along the way). Compounded interest is no joke.

8. Take on a side gig exclusively for the sake of that savings account. It will be exhausting for a while, but you’ll come out with new skills and the peace of mind that comes from having a fiscal cushion.

9. Get addicted to healthy pain. The kind that comes from clocking in hours of practice or maneuvering through the discomfort of training your mind to focus on one task until it’s complete. The more you channel your pain into something productive, the less you’ll be tempted to ruminate.

10. Get comfortable admitting when you’re wrong. There is no failure in making mistakes. There is failure in making mistakes and having too much pride to fix them.

11. Clean out your space, then work on adopting an attitude of “enough.” Do you really want to spend the next 10 years accumulating things? No, you don’t. Imagine what else all of that money and time and worry could have gone toward.

12. Only put things on your credit card that you will be able to remember in 3 months from now. If you look at how much is due and can’t remember what you spent it on, it was nothing worthwhile.

13. Do your soul-searching. Make lists of what you like and what you dislike; what you value and what you don’t; what you’re skilled at and what you’re not. Start cohering an idea of who you fundamentally are, but allow yourself to be open to that idea changing over time.

14. Reflect on your life, and ask yourself what your single most compelling motive is. Construct your narrative about it carefully – the way you justify your past actions will become your philosophy for future ones.

15. If you commit to nothing else, commit to a daily routine that consists of actions that, over time, will lead you to where you want to be.

16. Do things intentionally. Date intentionally. Work intentionally. Don’t let your life be a series of mindless, random actions that just seemed nice at the time, but are ultimately meaningless.

17. Take yourself as seriously as you want the world to. Behave accordingly.

18. Scrap it all and start over as many times as you need to. There’s no shame in not getting it right, there is, however, a lot of self-loathing that comes from knowing better, but not having the courage to do better.

Nov 8, 2016

Selalu Dan Sentiasa

Aku akan selalu ada.
Sentiasa, semampu nafasku.

Biarpun kehidupan memisahkan kita.
Biarpun aku beribu batu jauhnya dengan segala kenangan itu.

Segala-gala yang lalu, yang engkau dan aku sama-sama pegang bersama hingga ke saat ini kita kekal bernafas dibawah bumbung langit yang satu.

Aku akan selalu ada.
Selagi mana hayat yang dipinjamkan ini masih bersisa.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Untuk mereka yang aku sayangi kerana Dia.

Maaf dari aku kerana tidak begitu bersungguh menghubungi engkau selalu. Maaf kerana aku terhanyut dalam dunia sendiri dan menganggap engkau sentiasa baik-baik. Aku akui aku tidak begitu rajin bertanyakan khabar. Walau rindu, walau kerap mengingati, jarang sekali aku menghubungi.

Hingga akhirnya kehidupan memisahkan kita dan engkau menjadi 'kawan baik zaman sekolah' yang bakal aku ceritakan kepada mereka yang lain.

Maafkan aku.

Beberapa tahun yang lalu sewaktu hari terakhir aku meninggalkan STAR, MRSM Pasir Salak, UM dan seterusnya RCMP, berjela-jela aku menulis tentang setiap satu yang aku sayangi pada diri engkau, agar tidak aku lupakan. Hingga ke hari ini pun, bilamana aku mengimbau kembali tulisan-tulisan aku, senyuman itu tetap ada. Ingatan itu masih bersisa.

Jarang sekali aku membenci. Jarang juga aku memutuskan tali persahabatan walau sakit mana hati ini menangisi. Aku sentiasa menyayangi.

Mungkin bulatan sosial aku tidak besar, tetapi aku pegang setiap satunya rapat dalam hati.
Andai aku memutuskan untuk menyayangi, engkau akan sentiasa aku simpan kemas disetiap hari.

Ketahuilah tidak pernah menjadi niat aku untuk menyepi atau menjauhi. Walau jarang berhubung, walau jarang bersua, aku sentiasa menganggap engkau sebagai matahari.

Yang suatu masa pernah menyinari.
Dan sentiasa menerangi.

Tulisan ini untuk engkau.
Siapa-siapa saja yang aku beri untuk dibaca hari ini.

Tulisan ini untuk semua yang menjadi kawan juga teman.
Sebagai tanda secebis dua ingatan.

Tulisan ini untuk segala-gala yang mungkin aku terlepas.
Kenangan, dan masa hadapan.

Aku mungkin tidak selalu dihadapan mata dan alam maya.
Tetapi aku kan selalu ada.

Untuk engkau, dan untuk kita.

Oct 23, 2016

Bangalore Diaries - Leisure Weekend


Quite unwell for the past few days thus I stayed at home and basically dead. Tidur tak bangun-bangun. Kalau makanan tak sampai depan pintu rumah memang tiga hari tiga malam jawabnya kebulur.

Thanks my super bae-s.
And my forever bae.

* * * * * * * * * *

Its been so long since I wanted to write more on my life here in India.

Last Sunday, Miera came to my door and knocked the shit out of me. I've been locked up in my room for so long and she said its not healthy for my mind. Yeah we all know how far I could go when overthinking strikes me. Uh huh. Talk about the sleepless night and 24/7 rants over unnecessary things.

Took a shower and off to Yeshwanthpur market we go.

Yeshwanthpur market merupakan satu-satunya pasar tani di Bangalore yang pernah aku jejak sepanjang setahun lebih disini. Agak kurang selesa bagi sesiapa yang cerewet tentang kebersihan, but we've got pretty good deals here. Harga barang basah disini jauh lebih murah berbanding kedai-kedai runcit yang lain. And if you're good in bargaining, the benefit goes on you.

 Suasana pasar tani Yindiya mari.

Usai membeli barang dapur, Miera menawar diri untuk menemankan aku berjalan. Mana saja yang aku mahu. Aku tahu dia risau kerana sejak kebelakangan ini aku dihimpit satu demi satu masalah hingga akhirnya aku mengurung diri di dalam bilik. Hidup dalam dunia emosi yang kian tenggelam. Dia minta aku menghirup angin dan lapangkan fikiran.

I asked her to accompany me to Mantri Mall. Usually whenever we want to eat something fancy or spree some window shopping, we'll go to Orion Mall since its closer to our house but I got bored of it. Mana tak bosan kalau setiap minggu pergi uhuhuhu hashtag shopaholic hashtag kahwin lambat.

Chocolate marshmallow and my favorite girl.

Its a plain Sunday but somehow it makes me happier. Can't describe it well but personally for me, its not the extraordinary things that keep you happy - Its the simple yet significant things.

I thanked God for still having you in my life.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Please don't give up.
Alive and breathing is not a mistake, its a chance.

All the things that happened have the reasons behind.
Its not your fault, and you deserve to be happy. Its just the matter of time.

Sooner or later the time will come.
All you need is just to bear with the pain a bit.

I know you are strong enough to go through all this.

No one in this world are worthless, all of us are precious.
Take a good care of yourself.
Put faith on Him. InsyaAllah everything will be okay."

Oct 21, 2016

A Ticking Bomb

Its like a ticking time bomb.
There's never a reason, it just 'happens'.

Struggling to hide my emotions. Scared to be seen as a freak.

All to make myself appear normal..


Two years back, I'm dealing with a great sadness. The kind of sadness that makes me lose all my rationality, and even self-love.

To some people, it might seem as if I'm weak or spoiled or a lousy bitch who seeks for attention, but believe me. No one wants to feel sad. No one.

Its just, there.
Without any valid reason and that's the thing that complicates me the most.

If there's a reason, pretty much sure I could fix it. Or at least tried.

But no.
This sadness - Or precisely emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness - Just stay there. And didn't want to go away no matter I tried to distract my mind.

I really wanted to be what they said 'normal'.
Even when I don't really register what 'normal' means.

And here I am, two years later.
Still alive and breathing, despite previous failure from my self-war.

Since I'm in my Psychiatry posting, which I love so much, I keep on reminiscing those days when I felt nothing but darkness and terror. How much it affects me and my life. And its such a remarkable journey, since I came back stronger than ever.

Therefore I understood, clearly, how people perceived mental illnesses.

"Dah tahu rasa kosong, kenapa awal-awal tak cari Tuhan."
"Lemah sangat, iman tak kuat."
"Badan macam tu kan dah cantik, nak jadi tulang berjalan ke?"
"Kenapa nak sedih kalau boleh pilih bahagia."
"Lol attention seeker."

The list goes on and on, even with medical students who spread 'funny' stories about how they encountered people in mental institution.

I found it very disturbing and offensive.

Those people, they didn't ask for any of these to happen. They didn't wish for getting sick. They didn't even want having their life ruined by some sort of mental disorders. They didn't want any of it.

Same goes for medical illnesses.
The root is, no one wants to get sick.

Everyone deserves a healthy life. A healthy body, a healthy mind.

That's why I understood clearly how people reacts and responds with sadness. Because I once felt it. I didn't claim having a mental illness or anything, but if you talk to me about a great sadness, trust me. I understood.

Right now, out of sudden and without any particular reason, I'm having a war against myself. Again.

Not that I'm sad or unhappy or unloved, its just plain nothing.
I felt nothing.

You see, I've dealt with this once and therefore I will never ever make the same mistake by trusting people whom eventually will stab me at the back, judging me blindly and leave me all alone.

Its bad enough that I couldn't help myself.
I don't need another lime on top of my wound.

But would it be nice if this could all go away..

Oct 19, 2016


Image result for self love tumblr

You’re beautiful in your own way.

You’re beautiful in all of your considerate thoughts, in your patience and your natural kindness.

You’re beautiful when you cries for others. When you put others first on top of you. When you sacrifice so much even without getting the same.

And on top of everything, you’re beautiful in your insecurities. You’re beautiful in your self doubt. You’re beautiful in your late night thoughts. You’re beautiful in your obvious imperfections. You’re beautiful, even when you no longer view yourself worth the prettiness and everything good this world has to offer.

You’re beautiful, and you’re something.

Oct 18, 2016

Something or Nothing


I came again to a phase where I felt inadequate with myself. And the way I see it, I’m still having a hard time convincing myself this could all be temporary.

Lemme ask you a question.
Have you ever feel like you're trying so hard to be good to yourself as well as towards others but you just don't have enough energy and motivations to do so?

I love kindness. I always believe kindness is the one thing we could all rely in this world to save the humanity. To create a better us, a better world. The last piece of what makes us human.

But I often struggling with this inner demon of mine. Its so noisy here inside me and sometimes I lose myself.

Like a snowball effects.
Little things that destroyed me in a massive hurricane.

I couldn't blame people for being so negative or pessimist and often view kindness as weakness, but I really shouldn't let it suck my inner piece and energy. But here's the thing - I let it.

I let people took the worst out of me.
I let people treat me so bad I often confused my value, and my worth.

Sometimes I do wonder, what goes wrong in my life that I often put people ahead of me? Its understandable if I put the important ones, for example my family, and those whom I love and loved me. But with those who treated me like a piece of shit and still I put them on top of me - I don't know whether its still kindness or just a plain stupidity of mine.

Oct 17, 2016

French Fries and Mother


Today is just one of the lazy day where I curled up in my room and did nothing productive.

I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen and cook myself some food. Took out frozen nuggets and fries from the fridge, deep fried em and lunch here I go.

Suddenly I came into reminiscing my childhood days. Back then, one of the happiest moment I've ever felt is whenever mom cook fries for us in the evening. I remember how mom would buy lotsa fries for us everytime we went for monthly grocery shopping, and I would eagerly wait for mom to bring em out of fridge for us to eat. Sometimes it took a week, but sometimes it took mom a month to cook the fries, simply because mom forgot bout it hahaha.

But I remember how happy my brothers and I when mom called us "Jom makan kentang, mama dah goreng banyak ni." We would hurriedly run to the living room and try to snatch the fries from each other, as greedy as we are.

It was a memorable childhood moment. Just sitting there in front of the tv, eating fries together as a family and try my best to eat as much as I can before my two fat brothers took em all.

That simple, yet significant happiness.

I miss my family so much. With my mom's recent condition, I often can't sit still. I keep on imagining stuffs; what if something happened to her and I can't be there? What if the time left for me to have her in my life was getting lesser without me realizing it? What if I would never able to see her again?

I don't know. It hurts so much but I tell no one bout this.
My deepest fear, my greatest sadness.

I wish I would never have to know how does it feels to lose my mother.

Two more years, ma.
Two more years and I'll be home.

Wait for me to come home.

Oct 15, 2016

Bangalore Diaries - An Overview


I think its quite exciting for me to write upon my journey here in India. So far life has been great, challenging even.

I'm currently studying my MBBS here at Management & Science University - International Medical School (MSU-IMS), Bangalore Campus. 32 of us from UniKL RCMP came and we joined the October cohort, along with fellow third year students.

Bertolak daripada KLIA pada 3 November 2015, itulah pertama kalinya aku merasakan perasaan bercampur-baur yang aneh. Gembira, kerana akhirnya impian yang satu ini tercapai. Sedih, kerana akhirnya perpisahan yang paling ditangisi mama menjadi kenyataan. Teruja, kerana aku sudah berazam sesungguhnya untuk memulakan hidup baru. Dan ketakutan, kerana entah apa yang menanti aku di penghujung simpang nanti.

Tiba di Kempegowda International Airport, kami disambut olah wakil pelajar disini. Aku yang berkobar-kobar teruja kerana telah selamat tiba, memusing troli bagasi kebelakang dengan drastiknya sebaik saja terlihat satu raut wajah yang aku kenali berdiri di belakang pagar besi ruang menunggu.

I know, and I would like to emphasize here that I am mentally and physically prepared, but I really, really didn't expect it to be that soon.

Lepas tampar pipi sendiri baru tersedar dari lamunan.
Past is past anyway.

Long story shorten, I'm staying at a two-room apartment in Dwellington Apartment, Gokula. Basically almost all Malaysian students stay here, although the rental cost is quite neck-choking. My room costs me about RM 500 per month omg kalau kat Malaysia ni dah boleh dapat sewa satu rumah dah! I'm staying with my friend Ahsha, so its just the two of us in this house.

My view from on top of the apartment.
Entire Bangalore lays here.

And whenever I need some time solely with myself, this is the place I'll run to.

I've been posted to Bhagwan Mahaveer Jain Hospital, a super-specialty hospital (kinda resembles KPJ in Malaysia). Took me 40 minutes from home to hospital and I really envy those who got posted to Bangalore Baptist Hospital cuz it took em only 15 minutes to reach there!

Usually I went to Jain Hospital by auto, a public transport people often choose here. Tapi pakcik auto suka cekik leher saya. Awal-awal datang dulu dengan naifnya selalu kena tipu. Perjalanan yang sepatutnya makan kos dalam 120 rupees, boleh jadi 200 rupees. Takat 20 rupees ekstra boleh terima lagi, ni 80 kot! Tiga bulan duduk sini, hah sekarang aku champion bab bergaduh dengan pakcik auto tiap kali dia minta tambang melampau.

During my third year, I've got four major posting - Surgery, Obstetric & Gynecology, Medicine and Pediatrics. So far, only got minor problems in clerking the patients because most of them could communicate in English. Probably because most of the patients in this hospital came from middle class group, whom adequately educated in terms of English language. Kalau jumpa pesakit yang cuma boleh bercakap dalam Kannada atau Hindi atau Tamil atau Telugu, matilanak kite ternganga-nganga kat situ. Terkial-kial cari nurse minta tolong translate. Thats the uniqueness of India, Hindi is the official language but each state got their own spoken language. So they've got about 21 different spoken languages here. Kannada is the spoken language here in Bangalore, so I've learnt a few Kannada words so that it could be easier for me to gaduh dengan pakcik auto communicate well with my patients here :)

Post-operation compulsory selfie.

Got so much more to write but I've got to go and cook myself something or I'll starve to death. Yeah I still got that malas-nak-makan problem, imported straight from Malaysia.

Until next time!