Oct 23, 2016

Bangalore Diaries - Leisure Weekend


Quite unwell for the past few days thus I stayed at home and basically dead. Tidur tak bangun-bangun. Kalau makanan tak sampai depan pintu rumah memang tiga hari tiga malam jawabnya kebulur.

Thanks my super bae-s.
And my forever bae.

* * * * * * * * * *

Its been so long since I wanted to write more on my life here in India.

Last Sunday, Miera came to my door and knocked the shit out of me. I've been locked up in my room for so long and she said its not healthy for my mind. Yeah we all know how far I could go when overthinking strikes me. Uh huh. Talk about the sleepless night and 24/7 rants over unnecessary things.

Took a shower and off to Yeshwanthpur market we go.

Yeshwanthpur market merupakan satu-satunya pasar tani di Bangalore yang pernah aku jejak sepanjang setahun lebih disini. Agak kurang selesa bagi sesiapa yang cerewet tentang kebersihan, but we've got pretty good deals here. Harga barang basah disini jauh lebih murah berbanding kedai-kedai runcit yang lain. And if you're good in bargaining, the benefit goes on you.

 Suasana pasar tani Yindiya mari.

Usai membeli barang dapur, Miera menawar diri untuk menemankan aku berjalan. Mana saja yang aku mahu. Aku tahu dia risau kerana sejak kebelakangan ini aku dihimpit satu demi satu masalah hingga akhirnya aku mengurung diri di dalam bilik. Hidup dalam dunia emosi yang kian tenggelam. Dia minta aku menghirup angin dan lapangkan fikiran.

I asked her to accompany me to Mantri Mall. Usually whenever we want to eat something fancy or spree some window shopping, we'll go to Orion Mall since its closer to our house but I got bored of it. Mana tak bosan kalau setiap minggu pergi uhuhuhu hashtag shopaholic hashtag kahwin lambat.

Chocolate marshmallow and my favorite girl.

Its a plain Sunday but somehow it makes me happier. Can't describe it well but personally for me, its not the extraordinary things that keep you happy - Its the simple yet significant things.

I thanked God for still having you in my life.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Please don't give up.
Alive and breathing is not a mistake, its a chance.

All the things that happened have the reasons behind.
Its not your fault, and you deserve to be happy. Its just the matter of time.

Sooner or later the time will come.
All you need is just to bear with the pain a bit.

I know you are strong enough to go through all this.

No one in this world are worthless, all of us are precious.
Take a good care of yourself.
Put faith on Him. InsyaAllah everything will be okay."

Oct 21, 2016

A Ticking Bomb

Its like a ticking time bomb.
There's never a reason, it just 'happens'.

Struggling to hide my emotions. Scared to be seen as a freak.

All to make myself appear normal..


Two years back, I'm dealing with a great sadness. The kind of sadness that makes me lose all my rationality, and even self-love.

To some people, it might seem as if I'm weak or spoiled or a lousy bitch who seeks for attention, but believe me. No one wants to feel sad. No one.

Its just, there.
Without any valid reason and that's the thing that complicates me the most.

If there's a reason, pretty much sure I could fix it. Or at least tried.

But no.
This sadness - Or precisely emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness - Just stay there. And didn't want to go away no matter I tried to distract my mind.

I really wanted to be what they said 'normal'.
Even when I don't really register what 'normal' means.

And here I am, two years later.
Still alive and breathing, despite previous failure from my self-war.

Since I'm in my Psychiatry posting, which I love so much, I keep on reminiscing those days when I felt nothing but darkness and terror. How much it affects me and my life. And its such a remarkable journey, since I came back stronger than ever.

Therefore I understood, clearly, how people perceived mental illnesses.

"Dah tahu rasa kosong, kenapa awal-awal tak cari Tuhan."
"Lemah sangat, iman tak kuat."
"Badan macam tu kan dah cantik, nak jadi tulang berjalan ke?"
"Kenapa nak sedih kalau boleh pilih bahagia."
"Lol attention seeker."

The list goes on and on, even with medical students who spread 'funny' stories about how they encountered people in mental institution.

I found it very disturbing and offensive.

Those people, they didn't ask for any of these to happen. They didn't wish for getting sick. They didn't even want having their life ruined by some sort of mental disorders. They didn't want any of it.

Same goes for medical illnesses.
The root is, no one wants to get sick.

Everyone deserves a healthy life. A healthy body, a healthy mind.

That's why I understood clearly how people reacts and responds with sadness. Because I once felt it. I didn't claim having a mental illness or anything, but if you talk to me about a great sadness, trust me. I understood.

Right now, out of sudden and without any particular reason, I'm having a war against myself. Again.

Not that I'm sad or unhappy or unloved, its just plain nothing.
I felt nothing.

You see, I've dealt with this once and therefore I will never ever make the same mistake by trusting people whom eventually will stab me at the back, judging me blindly and leave me all alone.

Its bad enough that I couldn't help myself.
I don't need another lime on top of my wound.

But would it be nice if this could all go away..

Oct 19, 2016


Image result for self love tumblr

You’re beautiful in your own way.

You’re beautiful in all of your considerate thoughts, in your patience and your natural kindness.

You’re beautiful when you cries for others. When you put others first on top of you. When you sacrifice so much even without getting the same.

And on top of everything, you’re beautiful in your insecurities. You’re beautiful in your self doubt. You’re beautiful in your late night thoughts. You’re beautiful in your obvious imperfections. You’re beautiful, even when you no longer view yourself worth the prettiness and everything good this world has to offer.

You’re beautiful, and you’re something.

Oct 18, 2016

Something or Nothing


I came again to a phase where I felt inadequate with myself. And the way I see it, I’m still having a hard time convincing myself this could all be temporary.

Lemme ask you a question.
Have you ever feel like you're trying so hard to be good to yourself as well as towards others but you just don't have enough energy and motivations to do so?

I love kindness. I always believe kindness is the one thing we could all rely in this world to save the humanity. To create a better us, a better world. The last piece of what makes us human.

But I often struggling with this inner demon of mine. Its so noisy here inside me and sometimes I lose myself.

Like a snowball effects.
Little things that destroyed me in a massive hurricane.

I couldn't blame people for being so negative or pessimist and often view kindness as weakness, but I really shouldn't let it suck my inner piece and energy. But here's the thing - I let it.

I let people took the worst out of me.
I let people treat me so bad I often confused my value, and my worth.

Sometimes I do wonder, what goes wrong in my life that I often put people ahead of me? Its understandable if I put the important ones, for example my family, and those whom I love and loved me. But with those who treated me like a piece of shit and still I put them on top of me - I don't know whether its still kindness or just a plain stupidity of mine.

Oct 17, 2016

French Fries and Mother


Today is just one of the lazy day where I curled up in my room and did nothing productive.

I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen and cook myself some food. Took out frozen nuggets and fries from the fridge, deep fried em and lunch here I go.

Suddenly I came into reminiscing my childhood days. Back then, one of the happiest moment I've ever felt is whenever mom cook fries for us in the evening. I remember how mom would buy lotsa fries for us everytime we went for monthly grocery shopping, and I would eagerly wait for mom to bring em out of fridge for us to eat. Sometimes it took a week, but sometimes it took mom a month to cook the fries, simply because mom forgot bout it hahaha.

But I remember how happy my brothers and I when mom called us "Jom makan kentang, mama dah goreng banyak ni." We would hurriedly run to the living room and try to snatch the fries from each other, as greedy as we are.

It was a memorable childhood moment. Just sitting there in front of the tv, eating fries together as a family and try my best to eat as much as I can before my two fat brothers took em all.

That simple, yet significant happiness.

I miss my family so much. With my mom's recent condition, I often can't sit still. I keep on imagining stuffs; what if something happened to her and I can't be there? What if the time left for me to have her in my life was getting lesser without me realizing it? What if I would never able to see her again?

I don't know. It hurts so much but I tell no one bout this.
My deepest fear, my greatest sadness.

I wish I would never have to know how does it feels to lose my mother.

Two more years, ma.
Two more years and I'll be home.

Wait for me to come home.

Oct 15, 2016

Bangalore Diaries - An Overview


I think its quite exciting for me to write upon my journey here in India. So far life has been great, challenging even.

I'm currently studying my MBBS here at Management & Science University - International Medical School (MSU-IMS), Bangalore Campus. 32 of us from UniKL RCMP came and we joined the October cohort, along with fellow third year students.

Bertolak daripada KLIA pada 3 November 2015, itulah pertama kalinya aku merasakan perasaan bercampur-baur yang aneh. Gembira, kerana akhirnya impian yang satu ini tercapai. Sedih, kerana akhirnya perpisahan yang paling ditangisi mama menjadi kenyataan. Teruja, kerana aku sudah berazam sesungguhnya untuk memulakan hidup baru. Dan ketakutan, kerana entah apa yang menanti aku di penghujung simpang nanti.

Tiba di Kempegowda International Airport, kami disambut olah wakil pelajar disini. Aku yang berkobar-kobar teruja kerana telah selamat tiba, memusing troli bagasi kebelakang dengan drastiknya sebaik saja terlihat satu raut wajah yang aku kenali berdiri di belakang pagar besi ruang menunggu.

I know, and I would like to emphasize here that I am mentally and physically prepared, but I really, really didn't expect it to be that soon.

Lepas tampar pipi sendiri baru tersedar dari lamunan.
Past is past anyway.

Long story shorten, I'm staying at a two-room apartment in Dwellington Apartment, Gokula. Basically almost all Malaysian students stay here, although the rental cost is quite neck-choking. My room costs me about RM 500 per month omg kalau kat Malaysia ni dah boleh dapat sewa satu rumah dah! I'm staying with my friend Ahsha, so its just the two of us in this house.

My view from on top of the apartment.
Entire Bangalore lays here.

And whenever I need some time solely with myself, this is the place I'll run to.

I've been posted to Bhagwan Mahaveer Jain Hospital, a super-specialty hospital (kinda resembles KPJ in Malaysia). Took me 40 minutes from home to hospital and I really envy those who got posted to Bangalore Baptist Hospital cuz it took em only 15 minutes to reach there!

Usually I went to Jain Hospital by auto, a public transport people often choose here. Tapi pakcik auto suka cekik leher saya. Awal-awal datang dulu dengan naifnya selalu kena tipu. Perjalanan yang sepatutnya makan kos dalam 120 rupees, boleh jadi 200 rupees. Takat 20 rupees ekstra boleh terima lagi, ni 80 kot! Tiga bulan duduk sini, hah sekarang aku champion bab bergaduh dengan pakcik auto tiap kali dia minta tambang melampau.

During my third year, I've got four major posting - Surgery, Obstetric & Gynecology, Medicine and Pediatrics. So far, only got minor problems in clerking the patients because most of them could communicate in English. Probably because most of the patients in this hospital came from middle class group, whom adequately educated in terms of English language. Kalau jumpa pesakit yang cuma boleh bercakap dalam Kannada atau Hindi atau Tamil atau Telugu, matilanak kite ternganga-nganga kat situ. Terkial-kial cari nurse minta tolong translate. Thats the uniqueness of India, Hindi is the official language but each state got their own spoken language. So they've got about 21 different spoken languages here. Kannada is the spoken language here in Bangalore, so I've learnt a few Kannada words so that it could be easier for me to gaduh dengan pakcik auto communicate well with my patients here :)

Post-operation compulsory selfie.

Got so much more to write but I've got to go and cook myself something or I'll starve to death. Yeah I still got that malas-nak-makan problem, imported straight from Malaysia.

Until next time!

Oct 9, 2016

Pretty Pieces

When I look into your eyes

I know the pain you are feeling

But it doesn't take away the beauty of your smile

Sometimes we learn after we fall

But its okay, just hold on

Stay strong!

Pretty pieces I found on Instagram

Oct 8, 2016

Here We Go, Again


More than a year since my last post and I guess I'm back now. For good.

*awkward hand gesture*
*inhales and exhales repeatedly*

I don't know if I ever got the feel to write again, since I poured my words mostly on Tumblr and sketchbook this past one year. But this is a place I started to write, a place I started to know how good it really feels to just write anything and everything without restraining myself. Therefore here I am, hopefully for better words.

My name is Aqila and I'm now far away from Malaysia, in a land called Bangalore, India.

I've been here for about a year now. Previously I wrote about our struggles to fight for our scholarship program in India after what was supposedly be the original plan changed. And alhamdulillah, we're now safe and sound here.

Life hasn't been constantly good. Far from perfect I shall say. But the good thing is, despite everything, I'm still here. Alive and breathing, like I promised myself I would :)

I'm now entering my fourth year of MBBS after a month of holiday just after finishing my third year. If there's one thing I don't regret coming here - Its my study HAHAHA WOW. I think I'm quite focused on my study here compared to when I was in Ipoh. I think lah, I think. Every end of posting I studied hard la wey can lah can..

Chill, yo.

Still the same girl who loves white color, roses and flowery pattern. Still dwells in those deep thoughts every night before sleeping and overreacting on something unnecessarily significant.

Despite everything, I'm now far stronger and older (walaweh) alhamdulillah.
There's so much to tell, so much to write about but lets keep it one step at a time shall we/I? :')

Things have changed for me, and I'm okay with that.
Until next time.