Oct 21, 2016

A Ticking Bomb


Its like a ticking time bomb.
There's never a reason, it just 'happens'.


Struggling to hide my emotions. Scared to be seen as a freak.


All to make myself appear normal..


**********


Two years back, I'm dealing with a great sadness. The kind of sadness that makes me lose all my rationality, and even self-love.


To some people, it might seem as if I'm weak or spoiled or a lousy bitch who seeks for attention, but believe me. No one wants to feel sad. No one.


Its just, there.
Without any valid reason and that's the thing that complicates me the most.


If there's a reason, pretty much sure I could fix it. Or at least tried.


But no.
This sadness - Or precisely emptiness, hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness - Just stay there. And didn't want to go away no matter I tried to distract my mind.


I really wanted to be what they said 'normal'.
Even when I don't really register what 'normal' means.


And here I am, two years later.
Still alive and breathing, despite previous failure from my self-war.


Since I'm in my Psychiatry posting, which I love so much, I keep on reminiscing those days when I felt nothing but darkness and terror. How much it affects me and my life. And its such a remarkable journey, since I came back stronger than ever.


Therefore I understood, clearly, how people perceived mental illnesses.


"Dah tahu rasa kosong, kenapa awal-awal tak cari Tuhan."
"Lemah sangat, iman tak kuat."
"Badan macam tu kan dah cantik, nak jadi tulang berjalan ke?"
"Kenapa nak sedih kalau boleh pilih bahagia."
"Lol attention seeker."


The list goes on and on, even with medical students who spread 'funny' stories about how they encountered people in mental institution.


I found it very disturbing and offensive.
YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER MAKE FUN OF MENTAL ILLNESSES.


Those people, they didn't ask for any of these to happen. They didn't wish for getting sick. They didn't even want having their life ruined by some sort of mental disorders. They didn't want any of it.


Same goes for medical illnesses.
The root is, no one wants to get sick.


Everyone deserves a healthy life. A healthy body, a healthy mind.


That's why I understood clearly how people reacts and responds with sadness. Because I once felt it. I didn't claim having a mental illness or anything, but if you talk to me about a great sadness, trust me. I understood.


Right now, out of sudden and without any particular reason, I'm having a war against myself. Again.


Not that I'm sad or unhappy or unloved, its just plain nothing.
I felt nothing.


You see, I've dealt with this once and therefore I will never ever make the same mistake by trusting people whom eventually will stab me at the back, judging me blindly and leave me all alone.


Its bad enough that I couldn't help myself.
I don't need another lime on top of my wound.


But would it be nice if this could all go away..

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