Dec 31, 2016

Hello 2017

Let 2017 be the year you will let go.

The year you will let life be what it is designed to be.
Let go of every expectation, of every undying plan – and just let it be.
Let go of the unshakeable desire to achieve life in perfect detail of how you want it to be and just be able to allow it for what it is.

Let 2017 be the year you will learn the real concept of acceptance.

The year you will have the heart to accept that the reality of life will be totally different from what you foresee.

Accept every failure, every loss, every negative circumstance, every struggle, every heartache, and every tear.

Let this upcoming year be the year we will accept that life can be harsh, can be kind, but above all can be real.

Let this year be a year of acceptance of every single pain, and knowing that every single moment that will happen will be in accordance and in purpose of making us better versions of who we are.

Let 2017 be the year you will take it easy on people, on things.

The year you will lose all kinds of expectation from people and just grant them the freedom to be who they are and who they want to be.

Permit them the space to grow, to find themselves, to discover their passion, their people and their places here on Earth.

Let this be the year you will have the heart to understand that people grow at different pace, people grow apart, and that you cannot keep them forever.

Let this year give you the grace to comprehend completely that these things happen and it’s out of your control. The only control you have is over detaching yourself from people, even the closest to your soul.

Let this be the year you will realize that we all need time on our own, away from certain people, certain places and certain things.

Let 2017 be the year you will dwell on the beauty of self-discovery.

The year you will come to meet the new and improved you.

The year you will create new things, explore new passions, visit places you never thought of visiting.

The year you will remain in the things that excite you and fire up every cell in your body.

The year you will finally live.

Fearless in the pursuit of what ignites your heart.
Not frightened on new possibilities, on new opportunities.
Brave enough to risk and take a leap bigger than you, resilient enough to welcome major changes. Looking positively to the things that may happen.

Let 2017 be the year you will fall in love with yourself.

The year you will come to know the things you like, the things you dislike and being perfectly okay with it.

The year you will learn more about yourself, about your flaws and shortcomings and be able to have a heart big enough to accept all of you and have the courage and the strength to love it for all of what it is.

The year you will embrace your imperfections and realize that these are all the parts that makes you uniquely beautiful.

Let 2017 be simply the year you will work hard to love yourself, truly.

Let 2017 be the year you will open your eyes to the richness of life and of people.

The year you will treasure life despite all of its awful parts, depressing moments and horrible situations.

The year you will be certain that without all these, life will never be the same and life will never be this great, amazing learning adventure.

Without all these, life will definitely be incomplete.

Let this year be the year you will cherish the goodness in other people despite their flaws and imperfections.

The year you will look deeper, deeper enough to see the goodness in them, the things that are admirable, the things that are out of the kindness of their heart.

Let it be the year you will assuredly appreciate them for the times they tried, the times they did their best; the year you will get a grasp of the fact that they are enough even though they fall short of your expectations, they are sufficient even though they can’t fulfill your desires, that they are at their best version and you are just blinded by your expectations to honor it.

Let this year be the year you will veritably recognize the things they do for you, the qualities that make them incredible and just love them for their humanity and softness.

Let 2017 be the year that you will be compassionate and delicate to everyone you meet.

The year you will completely comprehend that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

A battle that is altogether hard and painful.

The year you have to be mindful on the struggles of other people; that you are not the only person on Earth that is in need of a friend.

Let it be the year you will ask “How are you? I hope you’re doing well” instead of expecting and waiting around people to ask how you are.

Let this year be the year you will be able to understand that they have needs like you, they have priorities, they have problems; may we understand that our job is to be present, and be there for them instead of always being the one they need to attend to; let us be the ones to attend to them.

Let this year be the year you will truly love, love to the point that you will be selfless enough to put the needs of others above yours, for the first time.

Let 2017 be the year you will finally heal.

The year you will rise above every heartache, sorrow and loss.
The year you will mend every battle scar and open wound.

The year you will gather all the broken pieces of your heart, of your soul, of your life, putting them altogether and bandaging every crack, until it becomes whole again.

Let this be the year you will realize that it’s okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, but it’s not okay to stay like that forever.

Let this year be a year of hope, assurances that there will be better days for you, that there is a joy set before you, after all these mourning.

That the sun will rise and the storm will cease, and the aftermath will not be as messy as the calamity but it will be beautiful, it will be a glorious.

Let this year be the year you will realize that the ruins are magnificent.
Let this year be a year of utter healing.
Healing over every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering.

A year of regaining all the lost strength and courage, a year of admittance – that we are broken, that we need healing.

A year of just taking your time to heal, no matter how slow, as long as you are healing

 A year you will no longer fake strength; but just be honest with what’s going on inside you.

Let this year be the year you will be whole, again.

Let 2017 be the year you will redeem yourself.

The year you will recover from everything that damaged you in the past; from every defeat, every pang of pain, every wave of weeping, every single thing that wrecked you.

Let this be a magical year where you will reclaim yourself and wind up above all these things.

Let this year be the year you will boldly walk on waters.

Knowing who you are and what you’re made of.

Defying all kinds of limits and overcoming whatever life will throw at you.

Let 2017 be the year you will realize that you are created to survive.

Dec 30, 2016

Modern Keyboard Warrior


Time changed, and so does technology.

Nowadays we have smartphone, smartwatch, touchscreen tablet, food processor and also oval kabuki brush for makeup application, which I considered as the greatest invention in the history of cosmetics. Ever. Oh and genius people who came with the idea of contouring plus highlighting technique too. HANDS OFF.

People even discovered the science of genetically engineered immune cells for treatment of cancer patients, SolarCity's Gigafactory that produce a gigawatt of high efficiency solar panels per year and recently, I came across an article of Tesla autopilot - a software update that suddenly made autonomous driving a reality we always dreamed of!

So much for millennium century wow.

But I'm not gonna write about all the high-tech stuffs most of us probably wouldn't afford even if we worked our ass off. Well except for Apple products maybe. (And I'm one of those minor population who couldn't afford any Apple products. And perhaps didn't want to. I'm just a sucker for smartphones).

Okay back to the game.
Today's topic is about a major social problem we all faced nowadays.

Keyboard Warrior.

The mightiest of all kind of superheroes. The cold-hearted, insanely powerful with typed speech, high sense of self-confidence and that infinite sense of I'm-Always-Right.

Precisely someone who, emboldened by the security of their bedroom/safe place away from harm, feels the need to post generally unnecessary negative rubbish on social media when they would never say such things to someone's face.

I repeat,

I believe at least once, we all have encountered this kind of people. Unfortunately I saw this negativity on my social media for almost every single day alive.

I just don't get it. If you get offended or angry or simply just annoyed with someone, why can't you have a two-way communication with the involved party? Why make such scene where you posted it in social media just to unleash that emotions in you and letting everyone know about shits you're dealing with?

It doesn't bring you any good thou.
Problems remained unsolved, and in fact, you're basically displaying your immaturity in handling problems.

And how shameful it is, letting people saw the true color of you - COWARD.
Hiding behind words.

Problems will always go hand in hand with solutions.
And by finding solutions when dealing with people, communication is always the key.

But no. Keyboard warrior chose to write recklessly on social media, ranting about how unsatisfied they are with particular person so that the other party would felt offended, knowing someone wrote about them.

I gave you an example for easy understanding.

A has a problem with B.
A write on social media about B, indirectly describing things without mentioning B's name (in some case, they would).
B read it and felt offended.
B write on social media about A too.

Did they solve their problems? No.
Did they bring any good to each other? No.
Did they publicly displayed their stupidity? YES.

Back then when we have limited access to internet, people actually TALK. They communicate. They solve issues. They deal with problems in the right way.

I'm not blaming the expanding technology of communication network, but somehow it does contribute to today's problem. People misused their freedom of speech. Fame, being a public figure and seeking for attention have been the new goal and preferences.

I'm writing this because I'm so tired of seeing people bashing each other in social media but when they have the opportunity to deal with it directly face-to-face, they simply didn't want to.

To all of you who may encountered this writing of mine and happened to be one of the social media's public shaming victims, remember this -

It reflects their attitude, not yours.

Don't make any counterattack by writing more negative stuffs about them, because in that way you're no different at all. Be smart, be mature. Communicate with them personally (directly or via private messenger) and solve the issue. If apologizing could make things better, just do it, even when its not your fault to begin with. Believe me. You're not weak just because you say sorry, you're strong and mature and wise and you simply do yourself a favor by creating peace. Its not a game of who's right and who's wrong. Keep this in mind, intelligent people wouldn't be bothered by childish shits.

And to all of you keyboard warrior, grow up.
Stop showing your stupidity and immaturity.
We all hate you.

This ugly world filled with corruptions and cruelty doesn't need you to make it any uglier.

Dec 18, 2016

Dear God, Thank You

Thank you for this heart.

For this little muscle beating inside my chest. Thank you for its resilience, for its strength. Thank you for helping it beat, through every Stairmaster workout, through every terrifying scene in a scary movie, through every kiss, through every morning when I was so so tired, and didn’t want to face the world. Thank you for giving me physical strength—to overcome obstacles, to push myself, to never quit. Thank you for my emotional strength—to let people in, to forgive, to share love with others. Sometimes I forget how amazing this muscle is, bringing oxygen to my body, keeping me alive, reminding me that even in my humanness, I am powerful. And helping me to love, and keep on loving. So thank you.

Thank you for my hands.

Hands to touch, to hold, to hug, to cherish. Thank you for the times my parents have held my hands in theirs, for the times I could brush my brother’s hair, or throw a ball, or reach across a quiet space and place a palm on the cheek of a lover. Thank you for the ways my hands have healed, for the ways my hands have learned, for the ways my hands have connected with other hands, and made me see beauty in imperfection.

Thank you for love.

For the capacity to feel, to open, to give. For the ways You have shown me love and given me love from the people around me. Thank you for my family, my friends, my coworkers, for strangers, for lovers. Thank you for the times You have shown my heart what it feels like to be cared for. Thank you for teaching me how to give myself, fully, to others.

Thank you for the pain.

Thank you for all the nights my tears blended with the shower water, the nights I didn’t think I’d get over him or when I felt so misunderstood. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, terrified of where I would go to college, or if I would do well on a test, or if my words could actually mean anything. Thank you for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in You.

Thank you for the lonely nights.

The nights I stayed up late, watching headlights dance across my bedroom window or the stars flickering somewhere off in the distance. Thank you for showing me how to heal and how to be on my own. Thank you for building my strength, day by day, even when I felt I was only getting weaker. Thank you for reminding me that emptiness is temporary, and that I can always be filled in with Your love.

Thank you for the ones that left.

At the time their leaving felt like a betrayal, and I thought You had turned your back on me. But You were showing me who was temporary, and who was there to stay. You were showing me that I cannot put my faith in people, cannot depend on them for the source of my happiness, but can instead must lean on You. And You won’t leave. Thank you for never leaving, and promising to stay by my side forever.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with You on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For Your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed.

For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for reminding me that I am Yours, forever. And that I am loved. Thank you for staying when the world turned its back. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how harsh this life gets, You will always be here.

Thank you for forgiveness.

For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you, God.
Thank you for hope. 

Dec 15, 2016

How To Deal With Shits

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Writing this with full of rage, hoping that it could calm the fire inside me. Because literally I would scream my heart out upon how shitty this day has been so far.

So, how do we basically deal with shits?

There's just one keyword for the entire steps :

Identify the causative agent. What is it that's stressing you out. How and why it disturbs you. Identify with a clear mind so that your rage or anger or disappointment wouldn't interfere with your rationality.

Put it into two categories - i) Can you solve it? ii) Or can't?

If it belongs to option i), roughly plan on how to solve it even if its not gonna be immediately. If it belongs to option ii), you just have to deal with fact that some things were going to be beyond your reach and there's nothing you could do but let time decides.

Don't be an asshole a jerk. I repeat, don't be a jerk. Never ever take any actions without thinking the consequences. Believe me I did that a lot and it left me nothing but regret.

If you can't control your mouth, say nothing and just shut up. If you can't control your attitude, go away and be alone for some time. It helps you from causing damage or spreading more shittiness on others (especially to people who got nothing to do with things happened to you).

Take as much time as you need to accept that shit. Its neither a crime nor abnormality. At some point in our life, we'll have to deal with something that goes beyond our hands anyway. So embrace that shit and come back stronger!

There's plenty of methods on how to deal with shits (okay I've wrote this word countless of times already) but fret not this is just my own point of view, how I basically did. I'm still learning to put more maturity (?) on my coping mechanism and hopefully I'll be able to feel less stressed out after this.

So take a deep breath and chill.
*sips Milo while watching The Duff*
Image result for sassy tumblr

Dec 10, 2016

Suck The Poison Out


Hands up for Mean Girls! One of the best chick-lit movie I've ever seen in my life (thou I don't really fancy Lindsay Lohan, I think she portrayed both the innocent and high school hottie characters very well!)

Image result for mean girls

But this ain't a summary or review post.

There's one scene in this movie that strikes to the deep core of my heart, and although I've watched this movie over and over few years back, it gave a huge impact on my life recently.

When Cady's double life (the real and the fake one) finally hit her and everything turned against her, while quoting these words she finally tries to make things right, no matter how hard it is.

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out.
That's what I had to do, I had to suck all the poison out of my life."

I was so inspired with those words because apparently that is what I'm trying to do right now. I don't know how to spill this in a way that wouldn't offend anyone or making me look like a Miss Goody-goody when in reality, I'm far from good.

It started like this.

On previous posts, I keep on mentioning upon my chronic sense of emptiness. I keep on searching for ways to make me feel happy, to make me fell less empty but failed. Over and over, that blunt emotions strike and I was left with nothing but feeling more empty than ever.

One random evening, I was scrolling my Facebook timeline when someone shared an article titled "Bagaimana Mahu Menjadi Wanita Yang Paling Bahagia" I opened the link and read it, and suddenly, randomly, without any apparent reason, something hits me.

I want to be happy.
I want to be better.
I want to be a true Muslim woman.

I want to love Allah and I want Allah to love me.

All those words keep on repeating in my mind and I felt so sad, so weak and vulnerable but never been more real. I felt hope, I felt bright. I don't even know why and how but at that particular moment, I quickly get up and take wudhu and performing Maghrib prayer. Personally and truthfully, for me, I think that was the most beautiful prayer I've ever done since so long.

I felt connected.
Fragile, but stronger than ever.

That night, I poured my heart out on sajadah. I cried so much, and I told everything to Allah. With a solid faith, knowing He's the only one who heard me. The only one who understand me, the real me.

And from that moment I told myself, this is it. There's no going back. Whether I took this opportunity given by Him, or I'll risk myself losing it and never be able to find it again.

I went back to Malaysia to give myself time for reconnecting the dots, and I came back in plain piece of canvas.

The rest is history.

* * * * * * * * * *

But hijrah ain't easy.

I've been haunted by my previous mistakes. All those bad attitudes of me. And the thing that concerns me the most is..

Unsolved issues.

It freaks the hell out of me because by solving those issues, I must face people whom I accidentally hurt. I must confront them and reopen the page. I must go back to the chapters I've left behind and fix it.

I'm afraid, but I have to.

Just like Cady, I'm trying to suck the poison out of my life.
Slowly, one step at a time.

I hope even if it couldn't erase my mistakes, at least it could give me some peace. And although the damage couldn't be reversed, I sincerely wish and I promise - with all my heart, I'll try my best to make it right this time.

And if anybody happened to read this with unresolved issues between me and you, I'm asking you to come and talk to me. Reach me by, in case you haven't got my contact number. Please, help me. I need your forgiveness for me to forgive myself as well.

I'm not perfect and will never be.
But I'm trying to be the best version of me that I could ever be.

May Allah strengthen my heart to face everything.
And if it wasn't much for you, please pray for me too.

Dec 4, 2016

Selamat Datang Harapan

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim dan assalamualaikum.

Aku pulang ke Malaysia seminggu, untuk mencari aku yang hilang. Entah kenapa apabila satu demi satu mendatangi, aku semakin letih dan terus menerus jatuh ke lubang paling hitam.

Selalu aku persoalkan mengapa Tuhan tidak pernah mengizinkan aku untuk merasa gembira dan bahagia yang memenuhi semua ruang kosong dalam hati. Selalu juga aku tertanya-tanya, mengapa aku kerap kali diuji dengan kehilangan, kekecewaan dan kesedihan yang sentiasa membunuh semua harapan.

Aku bagaikan bukan lagi aku, apabila hampir setiap malam meratapi semua kekosongan ini.

Bukan tidak pernah aku mencari Tuhan agar dihilangkan segala perasaan ini. Bukan tidak pernah aku bersujud dan melutut sesungguhnya agar diberi kekuatan untuk tidak lagi jatuh dalam neraka ciptaan sendiri. Berkali-kali, dan aku sentiasa berputus asa.

Setiap hari aku bangun dan pergi ke kelas dengan jiwa yang kosong. Setiap hari aku mengira dan menghitung semangat supaya masih cukup untuk bawa aku menghadapi satu lagi hari yang bakal datang. Aku sentiasa berhati-hati, supaya hati tidak lagi terusik dengan mana-mana perkara kecil yang bisa membuat pertimbangan aku hilang.

Dan aku mencari manusia yang aku percaya.
Hingga akhirnya sekali lagi aku kecewa kerana sekuat mana pergantungan itu, aku tetap luka.

Aku tahu sejauh mana aku berlari, realiti tetap sama. Tiada yang mampu membantu dan mengubah semua ini melainkan aku. Tetapi itu juga yang menakutkan, kerana aku sudah hilang percaya pada diri. Bagaimana mahu aku mengubah semua ini apabila diri aku sendiri mengkhianati aku?

Lalu akhirnya aku mencari Tuhan dengan sepenuh pengharapan.
Akhirnya aku mengalah. Aku berhenti berkeras hati dengan Dia.

Hari ini, aku masih belum berjumpa dengan ketenangan yang aku cari.
Tetapi kini aku tidak lagi takut. Aku tidak lagi sendiri.