Dec 10, 2016

Suck The Poison Out


Assalamualaikum.


Hands up for Mean Girls! One of the best chick-lit movie I've ever seen in my life (thou I don't really fancy Lindsay Lohan, I think she portrayed both the innocent and high school hottie characters very well!)



Image result for mean girls



But this ain't a summary or review post.


There's one scene in this movie that strikes to the deep core of my heart, and although I've watched this movie over and over few years back, it gave a huge impact on my life recently.


When Cady's double life (the real and the fake one) finally hit her and everything turned against her, while quoting these words she finally tries to make things right, no matter how hard it is.


"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out.
That's what I had to do, I had to suck all the poison out of my life."


I was so inspired with those words because apparently that is what I'm trying to do right now. I don't know how to spill this in a way that wouldn't offend anyone or making me look like a Miss Goody-goody when in reality, I'm far from good.


It started like this.


On previous posts, I keep on mentioning upon my chronic sense of emptiness. I keep on searching for ways to make me feel happy, to make me fell less empty but failed. Over and over, that blunt emotions strike and I was left with nothing but feeling more empty than ever.


One random evening, I was scrolling my Facebook timeline when someone shared an article titled "Bagaimana Mahu Menjadi Wanita Yang Paling Bahagia" I opened the link and read it, and suddenly, randomly, without any apparent reason, something hits me.


I want to be happy.
I want to be better.
I want to be a true Muslim woman.


I want to love Allah and I want Allah to love me.


All those words keep on repeating in my mind and I felt so sad, so weak and vulnerable but never been more real. I felt hope, I felt bright. I don't even know why and how but at that particular moment, I quickly get up and take wudhu and performing Maghrib prayer. Personally and truthfully, for me, I think that was the most beautiful prayer I've ever done since so long.


I felt connected.
Fragile, but stronger than ever.


That night, I poured my heart out on sajadah. I cried so much, and I told everything to Allah. With a solid faith, knowing He's the only one who heard me. The only one who understand me, the real me.


And from that moment I told myself, this is it. There's no going back. Whether I took this opportunity given by Him, or I'll risk myself losing it and never be able to find it again.


I went back to Malaysia to give myself time for reconnecting the dots, and I came back in plain piece of canvas.


The rest is history.


* * * * * * * * * *


But hijrah ain't easy.


I've been haunted by my previous mistakes. All those bad attitudes of me. And the thing that concerns me the most is..


Unsolved issues.


It freaks the hell out of me because by solving those issues, I must face people whom I accidentally hurt. I must confront them and reopen the page. I must go back to the chapters I've left behind and fix it.


I'm afraid, but I have to.


Just like Cady, I'm trying to suck the poison out of my life.
Slowly, one step at a time.


I hope even if it couldn't erase my mistakes, at least it could give me some peace. And although the damage couldn't be reversed, I sincerely wish and I promise - with all my heart, I'll try my best to make it right this time.


And if anybody happened to read this with unresolved issues between me and you, I'm asking you to come and talk to me. Reach me by aqilasyahiena@gmail.com, in case you haven't got my contact number. Please, help me. I need your forgiveness for me to forgive myself as well.


I'm not perfect and will never be.
But I'm trying to be the best version of me that I could ever be.


May Allah strengthen my heart to face everything.
And if it wasn't much for you, please pray for me too.

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