May 10, 2017

Anna's Here

Hello everyone.
Anna's here.. After such a long time.

Anybody's home?
Because right now, my half soul is dying..

She was so sad, nothing I could do to make her face lighten a lil bit. Even when I brought her back to 2010 and 2011, a time period where she was actually the happiest, she's still all dark and gloomy..

She's losing everything right now. Her happiness, her dreams, her wills for life, her friends, her freedom and herself. She's losing it, piece by piece and its so hard to watch because she's once the brightest person I've ever known..

She even hate everything. She hates writing, she hates drawing, she hates reading, she hates shopping and everything pleasurable. She also came to a point where she hate her own friends, even her best friends and her loved one. She hates everything and herself was not excluded.

Why does this happened to her...?

She's not a devil. She's not an angel either, but one or two mistakes that she did surely can't put her into the bad side, right? Or it wasn't?

I don't understand...

She cries herself badly at night. And it goes for months. I tried to make her happy, I really did. I remind her how strong she is, how she's one in a million for everything that she does. I really did tried my best for her.

And right now, all I can think about is David...

David is the only one, for years, whom sincerely be there for her even not physically. He didn't give her the ultimate happiness either, but he's there whenever she felt like she's all alone in the crowd. And for her, that's more than enough.

I can see the years she'd spent with David in her heart, she's the happiest and the saddest person at the same time. She's the strongest yet the weakest person. But she's living. And she's full of life. She got that light in her eyes, and fire in her soul. She forgives. She's fighting the battles with David occasionally in her mind as the northern star. I've never been so proud of her...

I tried to make her go for David, but she's currently stucked in a situation she can't get herself out. I know, and I'll always know, David could talk to her and eventually she'll get past this phase with his advice. I'll always believe in David.

If anyone's home, please do talk to her...

Please convince her that she's not the most hated person on Earth. Please reassure her that she's lovely, and she's capable of doing so much more amazing things. Please and please, light that darkness in her heart. I've seen enough already, and I can't bear it anymore.

She's suffering.

Mar 11, 2017

Hijab Doa

Semalam aku terbaca satu post di Facebook tentang bagaimana doa orang yang teraniaya, dianiaya dan tidak bersalah itu tiada hijab disisi Tuhan.

Ada masa on the spot Tuhan bayar cash.
Ada masa diberi nikmat sepuas hati hinggalah tiba-tiba ditarik serta merta tanpa belas.

Dari sudut pandangan aku, sebab itu dari dulu aku selalu pegang. Jangan menilai atau menjatuhkan hukum penilaian kepada seseorang jika kau tidak faham apa yang dilaluinya, selagi engkau tidak berada di tapak kasut yang sama dengannya.

Untuk bercakap memang mudah.
Tapi kita selalu lupa, hakikat satu-satunya yang lebih tajam daripada pedang itu ialah lidah manusia.

Dimata engkau mungkin tampak mudah, tampak remeh.
Tapi hanya yang menanggung di bahu hadam memahami bagaimana rasanya.

Hanya kerana engkau diberi sedikit kelebihan oleh Tuhan untuk tidak diuji pada titik kelemahan tersebut, tidak bermakna engkau bebas mencanang sana sini -

Betapa lemah, lembik, bodoh, naif dan malang seseorang.

Jika sahaja engkau sedar kehidupan ini tidak tetap, tidak statik. Sifatnya berubah-ubah. Ada roda untuk kau berada diatas dan sekelip mata menghumban engkau kebawah.

Jangan kerana kata-kata yang keluar daripada mulut atau tindakan engkau menyakiti hati seseorang hingga dia merasa dianiaya, merasa ditindas dan dipijak menyebabkan apa saja doa yang disebut oleh dia memanah tepat terus tembus kepada engkau. Jangan sekali-kali.

Kalau tak mahu memudahkan, jangan pula menyusahkan.
Mudah saja sifirnya.

Mar 10, 2017

Instead Of People, Tell God

I realized that people have a way of bringing you down even when they’re trying to lift you up. I realized that when you talk to people about what’s bothering you, they don’t try to understand where you’re coming from, they just want to hear their voice. I realized that people don’t always know how to comfort you when you’re crying or when you’re hurting because they simply don’t know the depth of your pain or what’s happening inside you.

But God knows, God understands the words you can’t speak, the feelings that are killing you and the extent of your pain. God knows what you’re hiding and why you’re suffering. God knows what you don’t yet know.

I realized that people will try to tell you how you should feel. They’ll say you’re too emotional or it’s our fault for expecting too much or find a way to blame you for putting yourself through this pain because if you were smarter, if you were wiser, if you were stronger, you wouldn’t have done this, you wouldn’t have put yourself in this situation.

But God doesn’t judge. God listens. God understands. God doesn’t point fingers. God knows what’s in your heart.

I realized that people will say things that don’t make you feel better, like ‘it will happen when you least expect it to,’ or ‘everything happens for a reason,’ or ‘you never know what the future holds.’ But they don’t hold you when you’re crying, they don’t check on you when you go home, they don’t call you to make sure you’re okay and they don’t care past a certain point, past a certain phase, past a certain moment.

But God stays with you when everyone leaves. God is not temporary. God will not say things He doesn’t mean. God gives you time and space to heal before He blesses you. God takes away some things because He’s planning on giving you something more.

I realized that when you talk to people about your problems, they make you feel worse. They make you feel misunderstood, they make you feel like you’re not allowed to be who you are or give in to your emotions. I realized that people only like you when you’re happy and light not when you’re sad and heavy. I realized that people only want you when you’re fun and loud not when you’re down and quiet and I realized that people will only be there for you for a little while before they move on and get sucked back into their own lives.

But God likes you in every state. God loves you anyway. Whether you’re happy or sad, whether you’re heavy or light, whether you’re angry or calm and whether you’re strong or weak. God doesn’t discriminate.

He doesn’t like one version of you more than the other. God accepts you. God keeps bringing you closer to Him because He wants you to learn that no matter how much people love you, you can’t depend on them to heal you and you can’t depend on them to fix you.

Because God is the only healer, He’s the only fixer and maybe all our problems are just different lessons to bring us to this awareness and bring us to this conclusion:

God is the only problem solver. God is the solution. 

Mar 9, 2017

Daddy's Poem

Few months back I strolled around Indira Gandhi Musical Fountain Memorial Park. Its about 20 minutes journey from my apartment at Gokula.

When I walked by a section of the park dedicated as a memoir for all Indian soldiers who fought for their life during World War 2, I came across a poem carved at a huge stone. And up till now, I can still feel the bitterness emotions when I read those lines.

Its a mixture of both sadness, and somehow proud in such beautiful poem.


Her hair was up in a ponytail, favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and couldn't wait to go.

There were daddies along the back wall for all to meet, at the hall.
One by one the teacher called the students from the class.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them searching, for the man who wasn't there.

From someone near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
With hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak,

"My daddy couldn't be here, as he lives so far away.
I know he wishes he could be, on this such a special day."

"He loved to tell me stories, taught me ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me fly the kite.
Though you cannot see him, I am not alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me, even when we are so far apart."

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
With mother, somewhere in the crowd, standing, in tears.

When she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, a message so clear and loud,
"I love my Daddy so much, he's 'My Shining Star'.
And if he could he'd be here, but Heaven is just too far."

"You see, He was an Indian soldier, died just past year.
An enemy sniper got him in chest while advancing without fear.
When he died telling all Indians, never, ever to fear."

"Sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he's never away."
Then she closed her eyes, and saw him there, that day.

The her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
Room full of daddies and children, starting to close their eyes.
Perhaps for a mere second, they saw him too, at her side.

"I know you are with me Daddy."
To the silence she called out.

And what happened next, made believers of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain, for each had their eyes closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was his shining medal of gold.

And a child was blessed.
If only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
Given the gift of believing, that Heaven is never too far.

There are many children in same boat as this little girl.
Thanks to our brave soldiers, and their lonely families.
Ultimate sacrifice they make to keep our country free.
A thought to be remembered by those who now lives.

"For your tomorrow, they gave their today."

Mar 8, 2017

Pecah Kaca Pecah Gelas

I'm not a grumpy person by nature.

Dan walaupun berulang-kali aku terpaksa hadapi the same shit from the same person, I usually tolerate with em. Bagi aku, kalau nak ikutkan sakit hati yang membara ni, lambat laun aku akan turut serta berjangkit dengan semua negativiti tersebut. And I've had enough with mine already.

But recently I got easily frustrated.

Makin lama aku bertolak ansur, makin menjadi-jadi pula. Seolah-olah disebabkan aku selalu mengalah dan memilih untuk melupakan serta memaafkan, perasaan aku diabaikan terus. Aku macam patung yang boleh orang tolak sana sini sesuka hati.

Semua dengan satu jaminan,
"Alah Qila tu takpe, dia okay je."

Bukan meminta untuk dibalas setiap budi dan kebaikan, cuma kalau tak mahu memudahkan janganlah pula menyusahkan.

Aku tak pernah berdendam dengan sesiapa. Marah macam mana pun tak pernah sampai terlintas dalam kepala untuk membalas dendam.

Kalaulah nak ikutkan semua sakit hati yang terkumpul, aku boleh jadi lebih syaitan daripada segala syaitan yang wujud.

Beberapa hari ini aku kerap terkesan, hatta perkara kecil sekalipun.
Dan segala kemarahan, sakit hati yang tersimpan semua melonjak.

Apa yang aku boleh cakap, jangan dicabar sabarnya orang yang sentiasa sabar.

Selagi tiada kata maaf yang aku terima, selagi itu aku takkan halalkan segala apa yang dilakukan. Jangan menilai aku jahat kalau engkau sendiri tak pernah baik pada aku.

Mar 7, 2017

A Talk On Beautiful

Beautiful could be defined as many things. Its subjective. Different people will have a different view of what beautiful truly is.

For me, beautiful is strong.
Strong is beautiful.

Beautiful is being able to wake up from bed and face the tough upcoming days, even when the world is dreading you down. Lifting up your inner spirit when those small voices whispering in your head to just give up, and stop becoming the warrior of your own life.

Beautiful is when you have the guts to forgive someone, even when your heart shattered into pieces, and trust is nowhere to be found.

Beautiful is when you put on your smile and keep spreading kindness despite the ugly truth of the sick society around you. To preserve some humanity, and stop following the crowds. Just because majority of 'em chose one thing to stand up for, doesn't mean its the right thing to do.

Beautiful is finding a little bit of hope, holding on to the last piece of faith, and keep moving on. Believing in the power of white, to at least give some light in the world full of darkness.

Beautiful is by being the changes you wanted the world to be.

Beautiful is by being strong.

Happy International Women's Day.

Mar 4, 2017

Vision Board

I did nothing productive today. Basically just lay down on my bed with phone in my hand.

Strolling around Facebook and Instagram, saw few of my friends whom in their final year of MBBS finally passed their Final Professional Exam. A smile rises from this cracked lips of mine.

Congratulations, fellow doctors.
Nothing beats that satisfaction of achieving something you've worked hard for years.

Doctors for nation -
I truly, deeply, strongly believe in all of you.

* * * * * * * * * *

I'm currently working on something called 'Vision Board'.

I stumbled upon this idea on YouTube, from a Psychology scholar named Jess. She's suggesting this as a way to stimulate your subconscious mind of things you want to achieve, as well as boosting your inner motivation to reach that goals of yours.

"A vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life."

In a simple way to understand, tampal gambar berkaitan apa-apa impian yang kita mahu capai dan letak pada dinding atau mana-mana tempat yang mudah dilihat setiap hari.

This is what we called the power of imagination.

Image result for vision board tumblr

Creating and using vision boards serves several purposes, some of which include helping you to:

  1. Identify your vision and give it clarity.
  2. Reinforce your daily affirmations.
  3. Keep your attention on your intentions.

For A Clearer View Of What Your Goal Is

For example, to say “I want a better life” is a fine goal, but have you give some serious thought to exactly what that means? Try to envision what your “better life” looks like.

In order to create a vision board, you must actively seek images that represent specific details of this wonderful new life. That means narrowing it down to specifics, depending on your personal views.

For some, a better life might mean having a new car or home.
Others may be seeking a new relationship or improvements in existing relationships.

For me, I envision "better life" as being happy with whatever I have, regardless whatever I don't.

Making a vision board is a wonderful way to bring clarity to that general desire and turn it into an achievable goal, because words and motivational posters sometimes ain't enough to draw our attention into working hard for your dreams.

Related image

A Vision Board for Your Daily Affirmations

Once you dream it, the next step is to believe it. In addition to images, vision boards can include words, phrases or sentences that affirm your intentions.

Somehow, we must silence the mindchatter that plagues us all every minute of every waking hour. You know that little voice in your head that never shuts up, the one that supports and promotes all your limiting beliefs by repeating an endless words of every shortcoming you could possibly have (and some you couldn’t possibly have) and every reason why you can’t or shouldn’t or won’t ever be, do or have what you really want. All those negative thoughts.

Affirmations are that little voice’s worst enemy.

Affirmations express who you really are, release you from those limiting beliefs, and allow you to know that the possibilities really are UNlimited.

Image result for vision board tumblr

A Vision Board Keeps You Focused

Finally, another key purpose that vision boards serve is to help you stay focused. It isn’t difficult to start each day with a positive attitude – until you get out of bed.

How quickly that fresh “new me” attitude can sink back into oblivion beneath the tasks and challenges of everyday life. How can you possibly remain focused on any goal while people and circumstances constantly pull you in dozens of directions at once? By using a vision board, of course!

No matter what happens during your day, your vision board is a constant reminder of where you intend to be. Appealing to you on both conscious and subconscious levels, a vision board can work wonders toward keeping your mind focused on your goal, your attention on your intentions, and your life headed in the direction you choose.

I'll put on my Vision Board here once its complete.
Until then, do pray for my motivation!

End of Posting for Primary Care posting in T-minus 10 days.

Mar 3, 2017

Epilog Puisi 365

Setelah sekian lama bayang itu tidak muncul. Hari ini, bilamana aku terdengar bait suara yang bertahun lamanya aku simpan dekat, aku menoleh.

Masih ada sesuatu yang bertamu.

Walau sudah berakhir, walau sudah capai kata damai untuk penghujung sebuah buku, rasa yang mendatang itu tetap tidak asing, tetap mengundang satu ingatan.

Meski waktu juga silih berganti dan cabang laluan kian menjauh, aku tetap tidak lupa akan sebuah rumah kecil yang dibina. Yang bertahun menjadi bumbung, menaungi setiap jatuh bangun.

Rumah kecil untuk aku berjalan pulang, tanpa mengira jauh mana aku menapak pergi.

Aku hanya mampu memandang sepi, berharap nanti bilamana bayang itu pergi menebar sayap ke benua lain, aku yang tertinggal di belakang mampu menghela nafas untuk turut terbang.

Segalanya sudah berlalu.
Tapi entah kenapa malam ini ingatan itu hadir, menghentak aku hingga ke penjuru.

Semoga bintang terang yang suatu masa dahulu bersinar terang akan terus hidup memberi cahaya buat yang mencari arah. Sebagaimana aku dahulu.

Mar 2, 2017

Revenge : Will You Feel Better?

Revenge can be a strong urge, but you may not feel better if you act on it.

Understanding how emotions and thoughts influence behavior is important for people who have intense emotions and are often ruled by them. Knowledge about emotions and the thoughts that strengthen or soften those emotions can help people develop ways to better manage their actions.

One urge that people experience but rarely discuss is revenge.

The struggle with revenge is centuries old. Shakespeare said, 

"If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"

Shakespeare clearly thought revenge was as normal and predictable as the sun rising.
Maybe, but what about the idea that revenge is self-destructive? Confucius said, 

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

Gandhi seemed to agree with him when he said, 

"An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind."

Revenge seems to be one of the deepest instincts we have. Who hasn't said, "I hope he gets his," or wished that Karma would strike sooner rather than later? Out of control revenge, attack and counterattack, can be blinding and destroy the lives of all involved. But our instincts and emotions usually serve a purpose.

Researchers and theorists believe that revenge is a form of establishing justice and that the threat of revenge may serve as a form of protection, a kind of enforcement of social cooperation. Maybe the purpose of revenge is in preventing certain hostile actions or the threat of revenge insures people do not hurt you in the future. But sometimes people act revengeful when no good can come of their actions, other than to inflict suffering on others. Those actions can go to unfathomable extremes. From lovers running over a beloved iPhone or destroying what their ex most values, to businessmen damaging the careers of those who have rejected them, to students opening fire in school hallways, revenge can be an act of anger, hurt and power.

Carlsmith suggests that the reason revenge increases anger rather than decreasing it is because of ruminations. When people don't get revenge, they tend to trivialize the event by telling themselves that because they didn't act on their vengeful feelings, it wasn't a big deal. Then it's easier to forget it and move on. But when people do get revenge, they can no longer trivialize the situation. Instead, they go over and over it and feel worse.

There were some situations in which revenge could be satisfying. Two possibilities.

One was that revenge alone wasn't enough for the avenger to have satisfaction. The offender must know the connection between the original insult and the retaliation. He called that the "understanding hypothesis."

The second possibility was that of "comparative suffering." This meant that seeing an offender suffer was important. His research results showed that the only situation when acting on revenge was more satisfying than not acting on revenge was when the offender understood and acknowledged why the act of revenge had occurred. He described this "understanding hypothesis" as reestablishing justice.

The problem, according to Eric Jaffe, is that while the avenger often believes the offender received "just desserts," the offender usually perceives the retaliation as too harsh. Thus an endless cycle could follow. Most people understand this concept. So why do people continue to believe in and have such strong urges for revenge?

Ariely states that revenge and trust are opposite sides of the same coin. Perhaps the idea that people believe revenge restores justice is really about reestablishing trust.

The tendency to seek revenge did not depend on whether the actual person responsible for the offense suffered, but only that someone associated with the offense pay. Time passing helped lower the urge for revenge for small annoyances. In addition, apologies completely counteracted the effect of small annoyances. When an apology was given, the participants did not extract revenge. Please note this was a one time annoyance, not a series of repeated offenses.

As with all internal experiences, being mindful of what you are experiencing is the first step. Thoughts of revenge apparently feel good and may be a basic human instinct, perhaps to help us survive. Accept your urges and thoughts of revenge  as a basic human response related to trust.

Trust is important in any relationship and critical for cooperative societies. When you are thinking about revenge, it usually means you believe trust has been broken.  Remember, while the anticipation of revenge may feel pleasurable, the actual carrying out of revenge brings little satisfaction and may create more problems and suffering. Acts of revenge do not repair trust or restablish a sense of justice for both parties.

Wait until you are calm emotionally and can think rationally before making any decisions. This is the cold part of "revenge is a dish best served cold." If you act impulsively on such urges you are likely to create more suffering for yourself and others and regret your actions.

Consider whether the loss of trust is justified. Do you have all the facts? If not, get clarity about what truly happened before taking any action or making any decisions. If someone has acted in ways that truly are untrustworthy and hurtful, then task suggested by your thoughts and urges is to find ways to repair the trust or to move forward in a different direction. Maybe there has been a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, or maybe there is a problem that could be solved.

Would a  dialogue with the offending person to explain your position be helpful for you, even if nothing changed? Would the offending person be willing to listen? Sometimes expressing your views and feelings is helpful. An apology could be quite healing and having a dialogue could give the offending person the opportunity to do that.

Learn from the experience. Were there signs of problems that you ignored? Were you careful about who you trusted? What positive changes can you make based on what you have learned?  How do you see yourself as a result of this experience? Did you make decisions that show self-respect and reflect your values, regardless of how the other person behaved?

Focus on what is in your control and take the next right step. Sometimes it may be that standing up for yourself is the right step, but doing so in a positive way rather than for revenge.

Practice radical acceptance that some people will break your trust. That is a statement about them, not about you. Your response is about you. When you are emotionally sensitive, you may experience many situations in which you feel hurt by others and those urges for revenge can be managed.

Reference :
Karyn Hall Ph.D. - Pieces of Mind.

Mar 1, 2017

Tentang Ikhlas

Ikhlas itu seperti semut hitam yang berjalan diatas batuan paling hitam.
Tak ternampak oleh mata kasar.

Aku kira perkara yang paling sukar untuk disemai, dan juga dididik dalam diri adalah sifat ikhlas.

Feb 25, 2017

A Talk On Social Anxiety

We all have that one friend who we make plans with that never seem to materialise. They accept every invite, seem to be enthusiastic about their attendance and then, right at the last minute, their excuse will arrive like clockwork. One of the cats is ill. My due dates have come round. I’ve had to work late. Or the old classic, ‘family stuff’.

I’m that friend – and I want all of the people whom I drive mad with this behaviour to know that I’m not being a dick and I am not taking their friendship for granted. Sometimes – in fact, most times – I just find social situations too intimidating to engage with.

It’s not that I don’t want to go to birthday parties, have late night out with colleagues, go to dinner with friends or head to gigs, plays, sports day and other entertaining events. On paper, they sound like great fun – and, knowing that I have enjoyed myself massively at these kinds of things before, I will accept an invitation.

And when I accept any invitation, I fully intend to go along. Part of me has said yes because I don’t like having that reputation as the friend or colleague that never goes to anything. But the rest of me genuinely thinks it sounds great.

As time goes on and the event gets closer though, my anxiety replaces my enthusiasm and I am filled with a lot of dread. Anxiety simply loves f**king around with thoughts and suddenly the last thing I am thinking is how much I am looking forward to seeing everyone and enjoying their company.

Other thoughts take over like ‘I’ve only been invited because people were being polite’ and ‘does anyone actually want me there?’ Worries about awkward silences and cringe small talk dominate my brain and even things such as personal appearance, what to wear, how I will look in photos and whether I will be judged on what I choose to eat and drink combine to suddenly make this all seem like a really, really bad idea.

There are occasions when I push through all of this and end up making it out. And, by and large, I end up having a pretty decent night, save for a few exceptions. But anxiety doesn’t listen to logic and I have found myself on the brink of panic attacks hours before I am meant to be meeting up with people.

Easier, then, to cancel. But that comes with its own problems. Then the guilt creeps in that I’ve let people down and I worry people think that I’m either boring (okay, I am a little bit) or that I’m just downright rude. Sometimes, there’s even a bit of FOMO. (Fear Of Missing Out, btw)

I know – and my friends know – that my excuse about my cat being unwell is utter bullshit. But what I know and my friends don’t necessarily is that I am not attending purely on the basis that my anxiety won’t allow me to.

And when friends get frustrated at people who have these struggles, it just adds another layer to the fear of going out which makes us even more unlikely to brave it next time. Of course, friends are rarely going to know the cause but it’s worth bearing in mind that when there is a pal who regularly doesn’t attend social gatherings, there could be something more to it and a bit of patience and understanding can go a long way.

I am a person who can come across as confident and easygoing in situations I am comfortable with. Anxiety isn’t always something that is there 24/7 – it can strike without warning and sometimes, it can leave you well alone.

But as someone whose ultimate terror is the doorbell buzzing without warning, who wants to put their phone through a blender when an unknown number pops up and who can retreat to their bedroom for days after an unpleasant comment online, social situations can be a big challenge.

It is almost always the build up that is worse than the actual event itself – I love the people in my life and spending time with them; it is my own self doubt and fear of coming across badly that seems to prevent me from going along rather than anything negative towards the people I will be with.

Put simply, cancelling is just the easiest way and often feels like an enormous relief. Remaining in my safe bubble every time, is a pretty tempting concept although my desire to not be that person means that I will continue to accept invites and strive to try and actually go.

There are certain things that friends can do to support someone they might think is facing social anxiety over joining them for parties or nights out.

Patience is almost always the key and not putting pressure for an answer or delivering criticism or disbelief over what might be an excuse always helps.

Additionally, although it might seem kinder to stop inviting people who never attend because you think you are just pestering them with things they don’t want to go to, it could make things worse to exclude someone from the group as that could confirm the worries which are stopping them attending in the first place.

It’s annoying and frustrating when a friend often cancels last minute. But if social anxiety is stopping them from joining you, you can guarantee it feels even worse for them.

Feb 13, 2017

Beringatlah Tentang Kitaran Roda

Jika pada hari ini engkau berada di tempat tertinggi,
Hidup pada puncak paling atas dan engkau ketawa bahagia.

Satu saja pesan dari aku yang terperosok jauh di lubang gelap ini -

Agar jangan sekali-kali Tuhan putarkan roda itu.

Feb 11, 2017

Realiti Persahabatan Usia 23

That bitterness feeling when Allah gave you loads of faithful friends but right now they're nowhere nearby you, in reality.

Aku sentiasa tanamkan pada diri, tidak mengapa andai hanya memiliki small circle of friends. Asalkan yang aku ada itu benar-benar kawan, bukan dalam diam menjadi lawan.

Sewaktu sekolah rendah, aku dikelilingi ramai kawan. Mungkin kerana sifat aku yang ketika itu agak gemar mengarah dan sentiasa menjadi ketua, ramai yang mendekati aku. Lagi pula aku anak cikgu disitu, satu sekolah mengenali aku. Naik sekolah menengah, aku agak rebellious. Aku banyak bergaduh dan tidak peduli apa pandangan orang kepada diri aku. Aku berkawan dengan sesiapa yang aku suka dan kebanyakan kawan aku ketika itu juga dalam fasa memberontak. Sama-sama naik minyak. Dan ketika itulah aku belajar apa itu kawan semasa susah dan senang. Mungkin kawan-kawan aku ketika itu tidak begitu baik pada pandangan orang lain, tetapi merekalah yang memeluk aku ketika susah. Menangis bersama-sama dalam gelap malam di tepi tangga asrama.

Masuk Tingkatan 4, aku berpindah ke sekolah berasrama penuh. Tuhan datangkan ujian besar kepada diri aku, memanggil aku supaya mendekati Dia. Aku dibiar bersendirian tanpa sesiapa disisi, berdepan dengan fitnah yang meluas tentang diri aku. Lama aku keseorangan, menangis dan mencari kekuatan, hingga akhirnya hampir setahun kemudian Dia datangkan beberapa orang kawan kepada aku yang aku kira hingga hari ini, tak pernah jemu menarik aku supaya menjadi diri yang lebih baik.

Tamat SPM, aku mendaftar sebagai pelajar asasi sains di Universiti Malaya. Aku bertemu dengan ramai manusia dari serata negara berlatarbelakangkan keluarga yang berbeza-beza. Aku masih mempunyai kawan yang ramai, tetapi yang benar-benar kawan itu aku kira kurang daripada sepuluh.

Aku menyambung ijazah perubatan di Universiti Kuala Lumpur Royal College of Medicine Perak. Dan kehidupan sosial aku masih sama, punyai ramai kawan tetapi yang memimpin tangan ketika duka itu beberapa kerat sahaja. Tetapi ketika ini aku mula biasa hidup berdikari. Aku tidak begitu memerlukan sesiapa untuk membantu aku, dan aku gembira menghabiskan kebanyakan masa dengan perkara yang aku suka tanpa pedulikan kehidupan orang lain.

Sehinggalah aku terbang ke India.
Hari ini, waktu ini, aku hanya punya dua orang kawan.

Benarlah apa yang ditulis dimana-mana, semakin dewasa kita akan lebih menghargai kualiti berbanding kuantiti.

Bila aku renung kembali, mungkin juga sifat diri aku yang agak ambivert menyebabkan aku tidak begitu selesa bergaul dengan ramai orang dalam keadaan riuh dan kepoh. Aku lebih gemar berkawan secara sederhana, apabila banyak yang mahu dibualkan maka aku akan petah bercakap. Apabila tiada apa-apa, aku lebih selesa mendiamkan diri. Tidak perlu risau mahu berbasi-basi sebagai pemecah suasana awkward atau sebagainya. Selesa apa adanya.

Bagi aku, berkawan ramai itu bagus. Tetapi bukanlah perlu.
Jika ada, bersyukur. Jika tiada juga harus bersyukur.

Kerana memiliki seorang kawan yang setia lebih bermakna berbanding seribu kawan yang hanya dalam suka.

Baru-baru ini aku mendaftar akaun Instagram baru. Yang lama sudah aku buang. Dan rasa penghargaan ini datang apabila aku kembali menjejaki kawan-kawan lama yang sudah hilang terputus berita. Melihatkan mereka pada hari ini, aku sangat gembira. Teringat kenangan-kenangan lama dan walaupun hari ini segalanya sudah tidak seperti dulu, sekurang-kurangnya rasa gembira itu pernah ada. Dan sentiasa bernyawa.

Untuk yang masih ada disisi sehingga kini, terima kasih.
Untuk yang pergi juga aku ucapkan terima kasih.

Tuhan tidak akan hadirkan sesuatu itu dengan sengaja, dan perginya juga takkan pernah sia-sia.

I miss you Hanan.

Feb 10, 2017

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered ;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives ;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies ;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat on you ;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight ;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous ;
Be happy anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough ;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God ;
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Teresa

Feb 9, 2017

Berhadapan Dengan Pandangan Manusia

Beberapa tahun yang lalu, sewaktu aku masih belasan tahun, aku selalu menulis tentang impian.

Impian untuk aku mengasaskan satu pertubuhan amal bagi manusia lainnya yang memerlukan. Ataupun semata menyebarkan kebaikan dicelah-celah dunia yang makin suram.

Aku sentiasa berpegang pada harapan.
Walau jatuh macam mana pun, walau gelap dan kosong jalan di hadapan, aku sentiasa mencari secalit cahaya sebagai pemandu arah. Sebagai dahan buat aku pegang erat.

Kerana disaat segalanya sudah kelihatan punah, hanya harapan yang akan menghidupkan.

Hari ini, dengan usia 23 tahun, aku masih mencari cara untuk merealisasikan impian aku. Kadang kala aku kecewa, aku pada hari ini sangat jauh daripada apa yang 17 tahun Aqila harapkan suatu ketika dahulu.

Aku belum menerbitkan apa-apa penulisan (selain daripada cerita kanak-kanak beberapa tahun yang lalu). Aku belum mencapai apa-apa kejayaan bertulis. Aku belum lagi mendatangkan faedah buat sesiapa, jauh sekali masyarakat amnya. Aku hanya aku, yang bertarung dengan diri sendiri. Itupun kerap kali gagal.

Satu punca utama aku masih tidak bergerak daripada mana-mana lingkungan keselesaan aku adalah kerana aku takut dengan pandangan manusia.

Beberapa hari lepas, aku dan Miera keluar menjamah secawan aiskrim dalam pekat malam. Seperti biasa, aku dan dia akan berbual tentang kehidupan. Kerana dia bagi aku ibarat eskapisme harian, yang menenangkan ketika kusut fikiran.

"Kalau kau perasan, judgement manusia sekarang teruk betul. Tengoklah mana-mana berita yang viral. Berduyun orang kecam sana sini." Dia berkata sambil menyuap aiskrim di mulut.

Dan aku akui kebenaran perkara itu.

Aku kerap membaca IIUM Confession kerana bagi aku apabila membaca penulisan dan luahan manusia lain, sedikit sebanyak aku mampu belajar sesuatu walau mungkin tidak pernah aku alami perkara itu. Tapi bilamana aku membaca ruangan komen, kecewa. Dalam berpuluh-puluh komen, kalau bukan majoriti, pasti ada dua tiga komen yang terlalu negatif. Mencemuh, menghina dan menjatuhkan.

Mungkin penulis tersebut jujur meluahkan isi hatinya buat tatapan umum kerana merasakan tiada yang memahami di dunia nyata. Mereka buntu mencari jalan keluar. Lalu diluahkan di media sosial secara anonymous, berharap ada yang memahami dan sudi memberi cadangan penyelesaian atau paling tidak, memberi kata semangat.

But instead of understanding and encouraging, these people dragged us down by judging, dreading and make fun of it.

Lumrah masyarakat hari ini.
Selagi tidak terkena pada batang hidung sendiri, selagi itu mereka tidak akan memahami.

Kalaulah manusia tahu dan sedar bahawa roda tidak selamanya berada di tempat yang sama.

Melihatkan sifat masyarakat kita pada hari ini yang rata-ratanya lebih gemar menghukum berbanding menyelidik, sedikit sebanyak aku jadi takut.

Walaupun dengan perkara kecil seperti mahu memberi kata-kata motivasi kepada yang memerlukan.

"Dia pun buat benda yang salah, ada hati nak betulkan orang lain."
"Konon dah habis baiklah tu."
"Tak payah sibuk urusan orang, biarlah dia buat apa yang dia nak."
"Baru pakai tudung labuh sikit dah beriya nak nasihat orang padahal dulu dia lagi teruk!"

(Ini sekadar contoh. Bukan situasi diri.)

And so on.

Aku tahu jika aku yakin sesuatu yang mahu aku lakukan itu tidak menyalahi mana-mana hukum agama atau undang-undang, aku tidak perlu takut dengan pandangan manusia. Tetapi inilah titik lemah diri aku yang Tuhan uji.

Setiap kali aku mahu lakukan sesuatu, aku akan terbayang manusia lain mengata sesuatu yang buruk tentang aku. Hatta mahu mencuba menyertai aktiviti kerohanian yang ada disini pun aku terfikir bermacam perkara.

'Malulah aku nanti kalau ada orang tahu aku tiba-tiba nak cuba masuk usrah. Budak-budak usrah pun mesti pelik pastu tanya macam-macam. Kalau aku join surau solat berjemaah harini mesti ramai orang tengok aku sebab tak pernah nampak muka ni masuk surau. Kawan-kawan lain pula mesti cop aku dah berubah, dah taknak keluar malam lepak-lepak kedai makan dengan dorang. Mesti dorang kata aku buang tabiat. Pastu mesti dorang perli aku sebab buat benda yang tak pernah dibuat.'

Membayangkan perkara diatas saja sudah cukup untuk buat aku lemah semangat. Walhal 98% daripadanya mungkin hanya berlegar dalam fikiran aku. Tetapi dengan apa yang aku baca di media sosial, anxiety tersebut muncul tanpa diundang. Pernah juga aku hampir-hampir muntah hanya kerana terlalu bimbang untuk bercakap di hadapan kelas sedangkan dulu aku LANGSUNG tidak ada rasa takut sebegitu. Lama kelamaan aku malas dan lupakan saja niat tersebut.

Begitu sekali kesan pandangan manusia terhadap diri aku.

Senang tau untuk cakap "Tak payah fikir pandangan orang, buat je."
Hakikatnya cuma yang merasa faham.

Hari ini, malam ini, aku sedang bersedih hati.

Aku terfikir, sampai bila aku mahu biarkan diri aku terikat dengan belenggu pandangan manusia? Aku mahu merealisasikan impian aku, apa yang aku angankan sejak dahulu.

Aku tidak mahu hanya sekadar bernafas dan menghabiskan hayat begitu saja. Seperti mayat hidup. Bernafas, tetapi tidak bernyawa. A walking corpse.

Aku tidak tahu jika ada mahupun tidak yang menyinggah ruangan ini untuk membaca. Jikalau masih ada, tolong doakan aku ya? Aku sedang berusaha mengatasi fikiran-fikiran negatif ini. Sedikit demi sedikit, aku sedang mencuba.

Moga-moga diizinkan Tuhan untuk aku menjadi manusia yang berguna di dunia dan di akhirat sana.

Jan 7, 2017

Personality Disorder


Have you ever thought of being someone else besides you?
Well if you asked me few years back, I would've said no.

But right now, even I can't understand myself.

You see, not that I haven't tried to change the way I saw the world. The way I perceived things. The way I felt something. The way I stand on my principles.

Its amazing to be on your own self, honestly.
But being me, sometimes its tiring.

I happened to have borderline personality trait.

Few months back, I didn't know the truth about me until I've learnt about personality disorder. There are 3 clusters of personality disorder :

Cluster A
- Paranoid
- Schizoid
- Schizotypal

Cluster B
- Histrionic
- Narcissistic
- Antisocial
- Borderline

Cluster C
- Avoidant
- Dependent
- Obsessive-Compulsive

Personality disorder is a condition when one experiencing distorted thinking patterns, problematic emotional responses, having over or under regulated impulse control and facing interpersonal difficulties.

In Cluster A personality, they're considered as odd and eccentric.

In Cluster B personality, they're considered as dramatic and emotional.

In Cluster C personality, they're considered as anxious and fearful.

Each and every one of us would've had one or even more personality types described above. Now the question is - What is normalcy?

From what Dr. Vinod taught me, there's no such thing as normal type of personality. We all have some here and there mixing up together. It is called TRAIT, and those mixtures are what makes us who we are.

The problem arises when some of these traits predominate the rest. It is called DISORDER. A paranoid personality trait would've been considered a paranoid personality disorder when it caused problem, creating harm and disturbance towards self and as well as others.

I did a lot of reading afterwards.
Because I knew what's been bothering me right when I grabbed a sense of understanding in all these.

I email-ed Dr. Vinod, telling him few things that I found cloudy within myself.

And thats when he told me I may have borderline personality trait, which in my case, predominating most of my entire aspect of perceiving the world.

I'm not in a stable state, therefore I'll probably continue this post in the next few days.

I'm not afraid of what I wrote here in this blog because this is all I have left. The only platform where I could be me. Where I could be honest and just... Be me.

Jan 1, 2017

2016 On Edge


Its been a year, huh. Sometimes when I sit back and think of everything happened around my 2016, I wanna pinch my cheek. Terlalu banyak yang berlaku. Kadang tak sempat nak proses sesuatu, datang lagi satu perkara lain.

To be honest, 2016 wasn't my best year. In fact, this is one of those years where I kinda live my life like a walking zombie. Not all the time obviously, but mostly I am.

But few lessons came to my mind and I couldn't be more grateful because with these, I feel like I'm one step closer for a better me. People changed with time. So did I.

In 2016, I've learnt that every unanswered prayers are blessings in disguised.

Earlier this year, I'm so devastated because things doesn't go the way I wanted em to be. Bila apa yang dirancang tak menjadi dan rasa kecewa menguasai, aku selalu mempertikaikan semula keputusan aku datang ke bumi India. Sebab sejujurnya, aku rasa aku lebih bahagia di Malaysia. Kebanyakan yang aku sayangi dan yang sentiasa disisi ada di Malaysia. Selalu aku berdoa pada Tuhan, kembalikan rasa bahagia itu. Bila aku selak helaian gambar lama, selalu aku berharap agar aku boleh ulang semula masa-masa gembira. Masa-masa gembira yang kebanyakannya aku bazirkan hanya kerana aku terlalu fokus untuk lari ke India ketika itu. Its a petty little thing, and how childish I am back then, but it bothered me so much I could't stop thinking and hoping that someday, somehow it'll come true.

In India, its far from what people thought when they knew I went for my medical studies here. Kebiasaannya orang akan kata bagus belajar perubatan di India sebab macam-macam penyakit pelik boleh kita jumpa disini, berbeza dengan Malaysia. Rakyat miskin ramai, jurang status ekonomi besar, dan India ialah lubuk untuk belajar perubatan. Perhaps its true for some people, but not for me. Aku ditempatkan di salah sebuah hospital swasta, dan tak ramai pesakit datang ke hospital ini kerana kos perubatannya yang sangat tinggi. Jadi peluang untuk aku belajar secara hands-on sudah kurang. Sejak dari Ipoh lagi aku memang sudah sedia tidak terlalu rajin. Jadi bila datang ke hospital yang tak banyak kes, lagi bertambah kurang semangat aku untuk belajar.

Alasan betul.

Aku hilang dalam dunia baru. Setiap malam keluar makan di kedai nasi lemak (Basyir) dengan Miera dan mengeluh dengan semua yang tidak cukup. Elaun masuk tiap bulan, shopping. Kalau tiada benda yang boleh dibuat, aku tidur berbelas jam lamanya. Belajar bersungguh-sungguh hanya bila peperiksaan makin hampir. Selain daripada itu, hidup sekadar menghabiskan nafas saja.

Lama kelamaan Tuhan tunjuk.
Nikmat yang tersembunyi disebalik semua kepayahan.

Aku diberi keinginan untuk datang kesini bukan untuk melarikan diri. Aku datang ke tempat asing yang tiada siapa disisi aku supaya aku belajar untuk tidak mengharapkan sesiapa selain Dia. Bahagia bukan kerana manusia, bahagia kerana meletakkan semua di tangan Dia. Di setiap air mata yang jatuh kerana menunggu Tuhan kembalikan semula kehidupan lama, aku semakin kuat.

Dan kerana peluang untuk belajar secara hands-on sudah kurang berbanding semasa di Ipoh, aku lebih menghargai setiap kes yang ada. Dan berpeluang belajar lebih menyeluruh tentang sesuatu penyakit. I've learnt that quality should be on top of quantity. Walaupun tidak banyak yang kes yang aku jumpa, tetapi aku mahir dengan setiap kes yang aku belajar. Alhamdulillah.

Tuhan mungkin tidak beri apa yang aku mahu, tetapi aku cukup dengan segala yang aku perlu.

In 2016, I've learnt that effort matters, no matter what the outcome is.

During Medicine posting, I felt so devastated because some people make fun of my lack of knowledge when I'm presenting my jaundice case. I went back home with rage all over my heart and I studied my ass off until the day of Medicine's examination. I want to prove that despite they knocked my spirit down, I can still be better than them and because revenge is sweet, I want to shove it on their face.

Tapi sehari sebelum exam, aku rasa satu perasaan tidak tenang yang dahsyat. Walaupun aku belajar bersungguh-sungguh, banyak yang aku lupa seolah-olah tak belajar langsung. I came to realize that my intention was wrong. Aku bukan belajar untuk ilmu, aku belajar untuk tunjukkan pada orang bahawa aku lebih baik daripada mereka yang menyakitkan hati aku. So I closed my book and re-write my intention.

Usaha itu penting.
It defines your attitude, the real you that people often dismissed.

Aku kecewa bila aku berusaha untuk present case tapi hasilnya tak memuaskan. Aku tak tidur malam untuk belajar tentang jaundice tapi esoknya banyak perkara aku tertinggal hingga aku sakit hati bila mereka memperlekehkan aku.

Aku terlupa bahawa usaha aku yang memberi erti kepada semuanya. Manusia memang akan lihat pada hasil, tetapi hanya Tuhan yang akan menilai dan menghargai usaha aku. Jadi antara memenuhi expectation manusia dan Tuhan, aku memilih Tuhan. Biarlah orang lihat betapa tidak berjayanya aku, asal saja Tuhan tahu apa yang aku lakukan ketika semua tidak melihat.

And I got B for my Medicine examination. Its different from the 'A' I was aiming for, but I'm satisfied and proud for what I've been gone through. Because God knows the amount of effort I'm putting on and I didn't need human's acknowledgement to value my worth.

Its a beautiful kind of satisfaction.

In 2016, I've learnt that I am responsible for my own happiness.

For years, I've been chasing the so-called epitome of happiness, for me. I think those who read this blog since my post-SPM years will know about The Fruitcake Special story.

This year, I've decided to put an end for that journey. Its hard to begin with, but eventually I'm accepting the fact that I should rely on myself to find the happiness I was looking for my whole life.

But I didn't do it correctly.
Therefore I felt something incomplete - The final pieces are missing.

On one night, I finally gathered the courage to solve it. I came to meet that person, and for the first time ever, I explained everything. From the first day of 2010 where the story began, till the day I'm letting go of that feeling. That night, I'm finally free form the shackles I've been letting to restrain me. It was different from the kind of ending I wanted to, from the kind of story I wish it could be, but this bittersweet feeling couldn't be more real than ever.

I'm responsible for my own happiness.
And I'll forever keep this in my mind.

In 2016, I've learnt to do good and be good.

One of the major thing that will disturb me more than anything is when people throw shits at me despite I did nothing to them.

Kadang bila terlalu kerap, aku putus asa untuk percaya kepada kebaikan.
Kenapa aku yang perlu terus-terusan percaya kepada putih bila satu dunia memilih hitam?

Aku tidak pernah berniat untuk berbuat baik kepada manusia agar aku dibalas dengan layanan yang sama. Kalau aku mahu berbuat sesuatu, its because I wanted to. Not because I'm expecting something.

But sometimes, its hard to stay positive when you've been surrounded with negative people. Kadang kala rasa kecewa itu melonjak-lonjak, especially when people messed up with you. Rasa nak balas dengan perkara yang sama yang diberi pada aku. Rasa macam tak guna aku bertolak-ansur kalau tahi yang diberi pada aku.

One day, I came across an article somewhere in  Facebook.
Do good, despite what people gave you.

Because when you did good, it reflects your attitude. And when people screw you up, it doesn't reflect your worth or your value. It reflects them. Something is wrong with them, not you. Remember that.

Jangan pernah membalas dengan perkara yang sama, sebab kalau begitu maka kita dengan dia tiada beza. Biarlah mereka memilih hitam. Asal saja kita tahu Tuhan menyuruh kita memilih putih, maka tetaplah dengan pendirian itu walau satu dunia menghentam. Jika mereka membalas dengan tuba, maafkan saja. Biarlah kita beralah. Kerana itu perhitungan mereka dengan Tuhan.

Do good, and eventually you'll be good.
Tuhanmu tidak pernah meninggalkanmu, apatah lagi menzalimimu.

Selamat memasuki 2017, Aqila.
Semoga tahun ini akan engkau jumpa segala yang dicari.