Jan 7, 2017

Personality Disorder


Have you ever thought of being someone else besides you?
Well if you asked me few years back, I would've said no.

But right now, even I can't understand myself.

You see, not that I haven't tried to change the way I saw the world. The way I perceived things. The way I felt something. The way I stand on my principles.

Its amazing to be on your own self, honestly.
But being me, sometimes its tiring.

I happened to have borderline personality trait.

Few months back, I didn't know the truth about me until I've learnt about personality disorder. There are 3 clusters of personality disorder :

Cluster A
- Paranoid
- Schizoid
- Schizotypal

Cluster B
- Histrionic
- Narcissistic
- Antisocial
- Borderline

Cluster C
- Avoidant
- Dependent
- Obsessive-Compulsive

Personality disorder is a condition when one experiencing distorted thinking patterns, problematic emotional responses, having over or under regulated impulse control and facing interpersonal difficulties.

In Cluster A personality, they're considered as odd and eccentric.

In Cluster B personality, they're considered as dramatic and emotional.

In Cluster C personality, they're considered as anxious and fearful.

Each and every one of us would've had one or even more personality types described above. Now the question is - What is normalcy?

From what Dr. Vinod taught me, there's no such thing as normal type of personality. We all have some here and there mixing up together. It is called TRAIT, and those mixtures are what makes us who we are.

The problem arises when some of these traits predominate the rest. It is called DISORDER. A paranoid personality trait would've been considered a paranoid personality disorder when it caused problem, creating harm and disturbance towards self and as well as others.

I did a lot of reading afterwards.
Because I knew what's been bothering me right when I grabbed a sense of understanding in all these.

I email-ed Dr. Vinod, telling him few things that I found cloudy within myself.

And thats when he told me I may have borderline personality trait, which in my case, predominating most of my entire aspect of perceiving the world.

I'm not in a stable state, therefore I'll probably continue this post in the next few days.

I'm not afraid of what I wrote here in this blog because this is all I have left. The only platform where I could be me. Where I could be honest and just... Be me.

Jan 1, 2017

2016 On Edge


Its been a year, huh. Sometimes when I sit back and think of everything happened around my 2016, I wanna pinch my cheek. Terlalu banyak yang berlaku. Kadang tak sempat nak proses sesuatu, datang lagi satu perkara lain.

To be honest, 2016 wasn't my best year. In fact, this is one of those years where I kinda live my life like a walking zombie. Not all the time obviously, but mostly I am.

But few lessons came to my mind and I couldn't be more grateful because with these, I feel like I'm one step closer for a better me. People changed with time. So did I.

In 2016, I've learnt that every unanswered prayers are blessings in disguised.

Earlier this year, I'm so devastated because things doesn't go the way I wanted em to be. Bila apa yang dirancang tak menjadi dan rasa kecewa menguasai, aku selalu mempertikaikan semula keputusan aku datang ke bumi India. Sebab sejujurnya, aku rasa aku lebih bahagia di Malaysia. Kebanyakan yang aku sayangi dan yang sentiasa disisi ada di Malaysia. Selalu aku berdoa pada Tuhan, kembalikan rasa bahagia itu. Bila aku selak helaian gambar lama, selalu aku berharap agar aku boleh ulang semula masa-masa gembira. Masa-masa gembira yang kebanyakannya aku bazirkan hanya kerana aku terlalu fokus untuk lari ke India ketika itu. Its a petty little thing, and how childish I am back then, but it bothered me so much I could't stop thinking and hoping that someday, somehow it'll come true.

In India, its far from what people thought when they knew I went for my medical studies here. Kebiasaannya orang akan kata bagus belajar perubatan di India sebab macam-macam penyakit pelik boleh kita jumpa disini, berbeza dengan Malaysia. Rakyat miskin ramai, jurang status ekonomi besar, dan India ialah lubuk untuk belajar perubatan. Perhaps its true for some people, but not for me. Aku ditempatkan di salah sebuah hospital swasta, dan tak ramai pesakit datang ke hospital ini kerana kos perubatannya yang sangat tinggi. Jadi peluang untuk aku belajar secara hands-on sudah kurang. Sejak dari Ipoh lagi aku memang sudah sedia tidak terlalu rajin. Jadi bila datang ke hospital yang tak banyak kes, lagi bertambah kurang semangat aku untuk belajar.

Alasan betul.

Aku hilang dalam dunia baru. Setiap malam keluar makan di kedai nasi lemak (Basyir) dengan Miera dan mengeluh dengan semua yang tidak cukup. Elaun masuk tiap bulan, shopping. Kalau tiada benda yang boleh dibuat, aku tidur berbelas jam lamanya. Belajar bersungguh-sungguh hanya bila peperiksaan makin hampir. Selain daripada itu, hidup sekadar menghabiskan nafas saja.

Lama kelamaan Tuhan tunjuk.
Nikmat yang tersembunyi disebalik semua kepayahan.

Aku diberi keinginan untuk datang kesini bukan untuk melarikan diri. Aku datang ke tempat asing yang tiada siapa disisi aku supaya aku belajar untuk tidak mengharapkan sesiapa selain Dia. Bahagia bukan kerana manusia, bahagia kerana meletakkan semua di tangan Dia. Di setiap air mata yang jatuh kerana menunggu Tuhan kembalikan semula kehidupan lama, aku semakin kuat.

Dan kerana peluang untuk belajar secara hands-on sudah kurang berbanding semasa di Ipoh, aku lebih menghargai setiap kes yang ada. Dan berpeluang belajar lebih menyeluruh tentang sesuatu penyakit. I've learnt that quality should be on top of quantity. Walaupun tidak banyak yang kes yang aku jumpa, tetapi aku mahir dengan setiap kes yang aku belajar. Alhamdulillah.

Tuhan mungkin tidak beri apa yang aku mahu, tetapi aku cukup dengan segala yang aku perlu.

In 2016, I've learnt that effort matters, no matter what the outcome is.

During Medicine posting, I felt so devastated because some people make fun of my lack of knowledge when I'm presenting my jaundice case. I went back home with rage all over my heart and I studied my ass off until the day of Medicine's examination. I want to prove that despite they knocked my spirit down, I can still be better than them and because revenge is sweet, I want to shove it on their face.

Tapi sehari sebelum exam, aku rasa satu perasaan tidak tenang yang dahsyat. Walaupun aku belajar bersungguh-sungguh, banyak yang aku lupa seolah-olah tak belajar langsung. I came to realize that my intention was wrong. Aku bukan belajar untuk ilmu, aku belajar untuk tunjukkan pada orang bahawa aku lebih baik daripada mereka yang menyakitkan hati aku. So I closed my book and re-write my intention.

Usaha itu penting.
It defines your attitude, the real you that people often dismissed.

Aku kecewa bila aku berusaha untuk present case tapi hasilnya tak memuaskan. Aku tak tidur malam untuk belajar tentang jaundice tapi esoknya banyak perkara aku tertinggal hingga aku sakit hati bila mereka memperlekehkan aku.

Aku terlupa bahawa usaha aku yang memberi erti kepada semuanya. Manusia memang akan lihat pada hasil, tetapi hanya Tuhan yang akan menilai dan menghargai usaha aku. Jadi antara memenuhi expectation manusia dan Tuhan, aku memilih Tuhan. Biarlah orang lihat betapa tidak berjayanya aku, asal saja Tuhan tahu apa yang aku lakukan ketika semua tidak melihat.

And I got B for my Medicine examination. Its different from the 'A' I was aiming for, but I'm satisfied and proud for what I've been gone through. Because God knows the amount of effort I'm putting on and I didn't need human's acknowledgement to value my worth.

Its a beautiful kind of satisfaction.

In 2016, I've learnt that I am responsible for my own happiness.

For years, I've been chasing the so-called epitome of happiness, for me. I think those who read this blog since my post-SPM years will know about The Fruitcake Special story.

This year, I've decided to put an end for that journey. Its hard to begin with, but eventually I'm accepting the fact that I should rely on myself to find the happiness I was looking for my whole life.

But I didn't do it correctly.
Therefore I felt something incomplete - The final pieces are missing.

On one night, I finally gathered the courage to solve it. I came to meet that person, and for the first time ever, I explained everything. From the first day of 2010 where the story began, till the day I'm letting go of that feeling. That night, I'm finally free form the shackles I've been letting to restrain me. It was different from the kind of ending I wanted to, from the kind of story I wish it could be, but this bittersweet feeling couldn't be more real than ever.

I'm responsible for my own happiness.
And I'll forever keep this in my mind.

In 2016, I've learnt to do good and be good.

One of the major thing that will disturb me more than anything is when people throw shits at me despite I did nothing to them.

Kadang bila terlalu kerap, aku putus asa untuk percaya kepada kebaikan.
Kenapa aku yang perlu terus-terusan percaya kepada putih bila satu dunia memilih hitam?

Aku tidak pernah berniat untuk berbuat baik kepada manusia agar aku dibalas dengan layanan yang sama. Kalau aku mahu berbuat sesuatu, its because I wanted to. Not because I'm expecting something.

But sometimes, its hard to stay positive when you've been surrounded with negative people. Kadang kala rasa kecewa itu melonjak-lonjak, especially when people messed up with you. Rasa nak balas dengan perkara yang sama yang diberi pada aku. Rasa macam tak guna aku bertolak-ansur kalau tahi yang diberi pada aku.

One day, I came across an article somewhere in  Facebook.
Do good, despite what people gave you.

Because when you did good, it reflects your attitude. And when people screw you up, it doesn't reflect your worth or your value. It reflects them. Something is wrong with them, not you. Remember that.

Jangan pernah membalas dengan perkara yang sama, sebab kalau begitu maka kita dengan dia tiada beza. Biarlah mereka memilih hitam. Asal saja kita tahu Tuhan menyuruh kita memilih putih, maka tetaplah dengan pendirian itu walau satu dunia menghentam. Jika mereka membalas dengan tuba, maafkan saja. Biarlah kita beralah. Kerana itu perhitungan mereka dengan Tuhan.

Do good, and eventually you'll be good.
Tuhanmu tidak pernah meninggalkanmu, apatah lagi menzalimimu.

Selamat memasuki 2017, Aqila.
Semoga tahun ini akan engkau jumpa segala yang dicari.