Scribbles


My name is Aqila.
And this is a part of me whenever I'm tired of studying medicine or too tired to bound with the world's mess.


I will write.
And therefore this is a side of me usually hidden behind my thick books and genuine laughs.


I will write.
As the thoughts of this world will always spin my pen.


Disclaimer : Most of the poems here were taken/inspired from various source especially Poems Porn and Tumblr, but mostly mine.


(Wrote a lot more on Tumblr but decided to filter it here)



Image result for flowers tumblr





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I don’t know what I need you for,
but all I know is I need you somewhere here, within my sight.


I need you to witness as I go through this.




* * * * * * * * * *



Hitam pekat langit malam,
angin dingin menderu ke tulang hitam,
bintang satu bersinar terang antara lainnya yang kelam.




* * * * * * * * * *



Ada satu ketika bagai manusia paling bercahaya.
Dan ada satu ketika, bilamana malam menjelma -


Satu demi satu menelan rasa
Hingga cahaya perlahan-lahan malap lalu yang tinggal cuma gelap.




* * * * * * * * * *



If you truly love someone, all you want is for them to be happy.


Even if deep down, all you want is for you to be their happiness.




* * * * * * * * * *



Mula-mula nama itu diantarkan kepadaku dalam bentuk terpisah, lalu susah payah kurangkai kembali menjadi hujan basah.




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Puisi paling cinta dan paling jujur untukmu,
kerana hingga kini aku masih mengira untung nasib aku.


Bila engkau berjalan masuk ke dalam ruang rindu.




* * * * * * * * * *



Dan sebenarnya, tiada sesiapa pun yang benar mengenali aku.
Aku bagai separuh bulan yang tak ternampakkan mata.


Alangkah indah andai bahasa dan jiwa itu kelihatan.


Angin masih bertiup sayu, dan aku masih beterbangan.


Entah bila kan pulang.




* * * * * * * * * *



I wish I wouldn’t be so depressed as I am right now.


I wish I could love myself as much as I did back then.


I wish everything would stop. Its so noisy here in my head.




* * * * * * * * * *



I like being alone.


Its like I’m totally myself and I could do whatever things I wanted to. In solitude, I always found peace.


I like being alone.
But I hate being lonely.




* * * * * * * * * *



“Oh believe me Qila, I’m not a saint.”


Dan aku membalas ayat Gusto.


“Believe me, everyone ain’t a saint.”



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2014 kian sampai ke penghujungnya.


Yang menyaksikan seratuslapanpuluh darjah pusingan kisah yang aku kira, 
kian kabur bentuk akhirannya.


Meski rasa tak berbalas.
Meski jasad tak ketemu.


Tidak pernah, walau sekali -
Sesal menyimpan rasa bertahun-tahun itu hadir.


Engkau masih bintang utara.


Selamat semuanya, Han.



* * * * * * * * * *



There was a man who I once knew -
For me there was no other.
The closer to loving me he grew -
The more he would grow further.


I tried to love him as his friend -
Then to love him as his lover.
But he never loved me in the end -
His heart was for another.



* * * * * * * * * *


Bintang utara yang masih ternampakkan.
Jauh kelam dan terang.
Tapi tak hilang cahaya.


Sebagaimana aku yang masih menghela nafas.
Layu mengah dan tertahan.
Tapi tak hilang nyawa.



* * * * * * * * * *


Begitu banyak cerita tak habis tentangmu.
Salamku untukmu dari hati yang terdalam.



* * * * * * * * * *



 And maybe one day, we'll cross paths.


And you'll be married to someone -
Who sees your features as lovely as I did all those years ago.


Who loves you more than I ever could.
And whom you love more than you could ever love me.


And maybe all those years from now, I'll be okay with that.
And I hope you're happy.


But as of now, I can't see myself ending up with 
Anyone.
But you.



* * * * * * * * * *


And if only you could see
The way my face lights up
When your name appears on my phone.



 * * * * * * * * * *



 I once knew a boy, who fell in love with a girl.
Who smiled at the thought of her name.


I once knew a girl, who fell in love with a boy.
Who felt the very same.


But it became a struggle, and timing was wrong.
And love decided that they didn't belong.



* * * * * * * * * *



Sehingga ke akhir waktu pun mata dan hati itu tetap tidak akan benar-benar merasai
Tidak akan benar-benar memahami dan mengetahui.


Sememangnya yang tersedia di balik tubir mata itu tidak semuanya indah
Tetapi yang tersisa dalam hati itu yang sewajarnya lebih bercahaya.


Jika dia membuka mata dan hatinya -
Untuk memandang kesempurnaan kebahagiaan yang tidak sempurna dalam hidupnya.



* * * * * * * * * *



 I'll be there for you.


Until you find someone better, find someone who can give you more, I'll be there.


I'll always be there.
Whether it's late at night or early in the morning, you'll always have me.


I know that I'm not the greatest, I'm not the most talented, or have the most things, but I'll be there, until you find someone who can do more for you.


That's who I am, the friend that's always there until something better comes along.



* * * * * * * * * *



A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted -
Mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.



* * * * * * * * * *


Even if it hurts now -
It will heal a little later.


Even if tears fall now -
I will smile a little later.


I will forget you.
Just like a wound heals.


I will. I will.
I will forget you.



* * * * * * * * * *


Think of me when the leaves run dry ;
When the first blossom of the flower appears
When there is no answer to the question "Why?"
When the loud silence is the only thing you'll hear.


Think of me when you see myriads of diamonds in the sky
When you can no longer reach my skin
When the only resolution is to cry
When you're not letting anyone in.


But do not grieve when you remember
Do not be sullen ; do not be sad dear


When these fragments cross your mind
It shall bring a smile upon your face
For these are the memories we had
They shall not wither, they shall not fade.



* * * * * * * * * *



I used to cut.


My skin, yes
But that isn't as important.


What matters is I used to cut my soul.
I used to tear down my spirit ; flesh by flesh, fiber by fiber


I saw my soul and de-humanized her.
She was of no importance
She did not matter
And I almost kill her.


On the outside, she seemed fine.


Happy
Content
Beautiful even.


But that was not the case.
She was liar.
She was dying.


And as the blood dripped from her side
Her soul slowly dripped with it
Like a steady waterfall of pain.


But this is not a sad story.
My soul did not die.
I do not let her.


I was the author of my own sad story ; I chose to change it.



* * * * * * * * * *



I don't know why
We drifted apart
But we did
And I regret it.


I want us to be friends again ;
The way we used to.


I want us to stay up all night
Talking about what's on our heart
Because no one can make me feel as comfortable as you.


And no one has won my trust
The way you still do.



* * * * * * * * * *



We may not be best friends anymore
We may not stay up until 4 a.m
Every single night
Talking about whatever is on our minds.


But I will never forget ;
The things you said
The plans we made
And how happy I felt with you.


We may not be best friends anymore
But you still the one person
I think about every night until 4 a.m
And talk about whatever is on my mind
Hoping you will be thinking about me too.


You are still the one person
Who can make me happy
Because you are my best friend.


Just because you replaced me
Doesn't mean I have replaced you.



* * * * * * * * * *



Your soul may be black as night.


But remember how nights can be ;
Stellar and cloudless
Freedom and lull adequate
And many enjoy underneath the black cloak.


Their gazes catching sights of shooting stars
And they will wish upon it
Close their eyes and bite their lips
Until they have thought of their wish.


Or perhaps they will show their favorite star
To their favored ones.
Or profess their love
Under the stars.


None of these things make you dreadful
Thus your black soul ;


Is just a lonely dark night
Waiting for its shooting star.



* * * * * * * * * *



Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?



* * * * * * * * * *



Sometimes
Looking for answers
Only leads to more questions.


And sometimes
You're better off not knowing.



* * * * * * * * * *



Your soul knows the earth
You know what's out there
According to pictures, imagination
And the bond you already have to this land.


But your soul is more comfortable
When you're doing more
Than only mentally acknowledge the world's existence.


The purpose of travelling is to reconnect
To the places your body is bound to
That you may not have visited
In this life, or before.


You must physically acknowledge and experience
As much of the world as possible
To really be comfortable.



* * * * * * * * * *


I'm in love with humans


I'm in love with the way we love
We hold each other close when we're far away
We grasp hopes when we're lonely
We buy flowers when we're sad.


We fall hard for someone ;
While we're still picking up pieces of a broken heart.



* * * * * * * * * *



I am not depressed.


I can still smile at pretty things
And laugh when jokes are funny
I can still talk to people
And enjoy the nice days.


But when I go inside
When I am alone
There is something broken ;
And I fall into a sadness so sweet that it engulfs me.


I look in the mirror
And sometimes I don't like what I see
Not physically ; But emotionally at the inside.


And the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep
And I miss something that doesn't exist.


I am not depressed.


I've just been sad for a while
But I can still find the light
I can still smile.



* * * * * * * * * *



You are a thousand things ;
But everyone choose to see the million things you're not.



* * * * * * * * * *



They say that you'll know when you find it
That you'll love your first love forever.


And that's okay
Because your first love won't be your last love, love.


You'll find another love.


You might fall in love with yourself
Or someone who resembles another
Love yourself and love another
For who can tell you not to?


Love your first love and your last love
But bare this in mind ;


Not everyone has forever.



* * * * * * * * * *



She's like a moon ;
Part of her is always hidden.



* * * * * * * * * *



And if you're in love ;
Then you're the lucky one.


Cause most of us are bitten over someone.



* * * * * * * * * *



At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone
That the only next possible step to do is to stop.


Leave them alone.
Walk away.


Its not like you're giving up, and shouldn't try
Its just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation'


What is truly yours will eventually be yours.
And what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.



* * * * * * * * * *



She used to be bounded
By strings of plethoric love.


But now the only things surrounding her ;
Are distant memories -
Of broken promises -
And burnt out love.



* * * * * * * * * *



Reaching a point where I realize I am different ;
They don't see what I see the way that I do
They can't feel what I feel the way that I do.


Reaching a point where I feel change for the worst ;
I am not what I want to be
I am not what I need to be.


Reaching a point where I need an escape ;
This is not where I wish I was
This is not with whom I wish I was.


But where does one go when they have reached every point and cannot go any further?



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" Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing? "


" We accept the love we think we deserve. "



* * * * * * * * * *



Here's to the people
Who see what is now behind them
Who say " I'm fine. " or " I'm just tired, "


Here's to the people
Who stay up until 3 a.m.
Who don't know when they'll sleep again.


Here's to the people
Who learn from what they're taught
Who get lost in the thick of their thoughts.


Here's to the people
Who never understood their luck
Who never felt like they're good enough.


Here's to the people
Who will climb up the highest trees
Who will dance with their wildest dreams.


Here's to the people
Who hold fast to every second
Who realize that life is a blessing.


Here's to the people
Who live life and live it quick
Who don't care what time it is.


And here's to you ;
Here's to life, to joy, to pain.


Here's to you ;
For not letting it go to waste.



* * * * * * * * * *



I sit here in the airport
Looking around at all these people.


They all have dreams and desires
But I wonder ;


If any of them have gave up on their dreams
Because they fell in love with someone
And choose to encourage them with their dreams
So much that they forgotten about their own.



* * * * * * * * * *



Its quite cold out here
Dark, too.


But mostly I have the stars ;
To reminds me of you.


I think about the others
The ones that hold you near
And get to feel your warmth.


Oh how I would love to get to know you!


But it doesn't really matter
Because I'm so far out of reach
For I am very small in your universe
Uncounted and betrayed 
And you are the reigning Sun
Almighty and praised.


A great distance from where you are
I crave to feel your warmth
Because maybe someday when you dominate everything you love
I will be left, for you never knew me.


While I watched from a distance
Alone in our existence.


Its ironic really
For I am the one remembered for being forgotten.


I hope for a better day, where you'll know that I'm here
But for now I hope you're happy
And it should stay that way.


So even while you do not know me
You will forever be in my heart and stay
So hello my love, most call me Pluto.



* * * * * * * * * *



Lies are like drugs
That makes you feel better - For a while.


Inebriated by transience
That send you crashing down
Desperate for more.


Because the further you get from the truth
The better you feel
But the harder it is to get back.


I am not strong enough to make it back on my own.



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